Trying to set those goals!

[Trixi]

PS: when he gets horney enough, he'll probably want to try to have sex with you again, whether that "leads you on", or not.
he changes his mind a lot, remember? and an top of that, testosterone has a very powerful effect on a man's.. "mind".
So dont think that is completely out of the question for your future.
IF, you choose to make potential together time available to him, that is.

Yes, he does change his mind a lot. There is no WAY I would sleep with him now. I don't care how much I want him, there is just NO way I would be that vulnerable again.

And, of course, I DO hope that he comes onto me again; just so that I know that part of his feelings still exists for me. And that maybe during his quiet times he can reflect back that it wasn't THAT bad and that we have things to build upon. We coulda made it work.

[Trixi]

In those marriages where there was definately an affair, I've read online various peoples' accounts of how they had a revenge affair.

I really TRULY have no desire to have an affair.

I want to upset his comfort level.

[Dom R]

well, if you're going to be all strategic about it, then be fully strategic.

Think it all the way through, and answer this question:

Would you think that your husband, would view your "dating" other men, as a sign of strength, or a sign of weakness?

Which do you think he values more about you:
your independance from him, and your attractiveness to others?
or you being a "woman of virtue" ?

Keep in mind that his view/hopes/expections of you, are NOT REFLECTED by his own actions. Some men can be complete schmucks by their own actions, yet expect their wives to be pillars of virtue.

I dont know the answer about your husband. I dont know the man. only you do (hopefully you know, anyways...).
Each man is different; only you know which type of man he is more like.

From what you've said of him, though.. he seems to value you being a woman of virtue.

That being said... you showing a completely NON-virtuous side, would certainly be "a 180", and get his attention.
is that the kind of attention you really want from him, though?

I dunno. it works for some people, and not for others.
potential positives: would take you off "the pedastal", and he'd maybe stop having such high expectations of you.
potential negatives: if in his heart, he really does want to be in a long-term relationship with a "good woman"... you semi-disqualify yourself by doing that sort of thing, and he may look elsewhere.
(then again, if he's hanging out in bars looking for women.. he really doesnt seem to be looking for a "good woman")

[Trixi]

your independance from him, and your attractiveness to others?

That one. When I was heavy, he left me at home. He was ashamed of me. (Yes, he admitted to that.)

He and his sister used to fight like cats and dogs. His first wife and he would get into HUGE fights. I believe that being a woman of virtue is 'boring' to him. I think he likes zip and passion. I don't think he would appreciate it if I was out sleeping with people. BUT, I think that if he didn't think it would be "easy" for him to come back home, that would actually be beneficial. He has said as much. And a little "competition" would probably be good. When we were dating, I was *always* available to him. I didn't make him work for me at all.

He knows I am a good woman. That is all he can flipping say about me to the counselor. And all the "good things" about our marriage. I don't think he fully appreciates all that he had.

Would you think that your husband, would view your "dating" other men, as a sign of strength, or a sign of weakness?

Strength. Showing him that I am not just sitting here waiting for him would be a good thing. When he broke up with me when we were dating, I said "that's fine. You'll be back." And I went about my business. Of course, it was much easier because we didn't live together. He was "dating" someone else during our 'break'. (I only found out because his son mentioned it.)
Then one night, he called for a booty call and I (maybe stupidly, maybe not) went over there. Around that time is when he quit seeing the other girl and "picked" me.

I don't want to do anything the sully the fidelity of the marriage, I don't want to lead any guy on, I don't want anything serious; I just want to go out and have some fun and not be the "oak tree" that is always here waiting for him. I think I should get to have some control over my future.

[Dom R]

Hmm. lots of "big issues" here.

That one. When I was heavy, he left me at home. He was ashamed of me.

That says that he views others' opinions of you, as important to him. but that's not what I asked, really.

Note that it was the same issue (you being overweight) that made you unattractive to both other people, and HIM.
Of the two, I'd say that you being unattractive to HIM at that time, was the more important. Just not the only thing of importance.
He left you at home, not because you "couldnt appeal to other men". He left you at home, because it made HIM look bad.
People may make nasty remarks about you being overweight. However, they also make nasty remarks about HIM, being out with you.

When he broke up with me when we were dating, I said "that's fine. You'll be back." And I went about my business. Of course, it was much easier because we didn't live together. He was "dating" someone else during our 'break'. (I only found out because his son mentioned it.)
Then one night, he called for a booty call and I (maybe stupidly, maybe not) went over there. Around that time is when he quit seeing the other girl and "picked" me.

Oooo.. okay, major stuff to think about here.
This was after he was divorced the first time, yes?

Anyways... unlike the stock market disclaimers.... "past performance IS a good (but not infallible) indicator of future performance".

You thought you would play hard to get.. and it didnt work. He doesnt work like that.

You gave him what he was looking for... and he stuck with you.

"going dark" would seem to be the antithesis of "go with what works".


I'm going to stop here, and post a separate thing, becaue I'd like you to absorb this one by itself. but then read and reply to my next one specifically.

[Dom R]

Okay, now listen, Agent99:

you have silently avoided replying to all my prior posts on this subject directly. you have to reply to this one :P

Did you do anything like I suggested, about doing a 180 on your sex life? is it that he usually is aggresive/initiates?
I'm thinking he is.

Please answer the above, and then tell me why you wont try the following:


Presuming that you know where his apartment is, try the following:

Get a lightweight but semi-long coat (or equivalent). Put it on, over something truely slutty
turn up at his apartment one night, and ask to come in for a few minutes, because you'd "like him to help you with something".

Get him to show you around a bit, and give you a tour.
When he gets to the bedroom, then tell him about what you need from him.

grin wickedly at him, tell him, "I'm horney. I wanna F---", drop the coat, and grab him!

Dont take no for an answer. back him up against the bed, stick your hand down his pants, do whatever you have to, to get him "ready", and on his back (either the floor or the bed, whatever works )
"anything" except asking him that is.
Tell him to lay down. Push him down. Anything but "ask". You're in control this time: dont "ask".

(you might have to take your time once you get him on his back. some men can initially be too scared to be "ready" if they are surprised like this. but trust me... give him a few minutes of non-threatning "attention", and he'll get over it just fine )

Then have your fun.. for YOUR enjoyment... and when you're done, feel free to stop, say "thanks, tiger", wink at him, and leave.

If your feeling generous, I suppose you might help him a bit afterwards. thats up to you.

Well, Agent... there's your mission. Do you accept?

PS: if he wont have you at his apartment, then tell him you need his help with something at your house. Dont tell him what it is until he gets there, he "just has to come look". Be "firm" in telling him that. a "no-nonsense" kinda tone.
Similarly, when he gets there, "it's in the bedroom, take a look for yourself".
Then give him an eyefull


PPS: I saw your followup post. i think it makes it even better for you to follow this

[Trixi]

This was after he was divorced the first time, yes?

Yes, by a long time.

He recently referenced when I did that and he said that he thought to himself "Hmm. Well, SHE's sure of herself." IOW, he liked it.

He left you at home, not because you "couldnt appeal to other men". He left you at home, because it made HIM look bad.

Okay, I can see the distinction.

You thought you would play hard to get.. and it didnt work. He doesnt work like that.

I think it did work. He did end up calling for a booty call. (Right or wrong, that's what he did.)

I'm going to submit this right away as I think it may influence your thoughts.

[Trixi]

Did you do anything like I suggested, about doing a 180 on your sex life? is it that he usually is aggresive/initiates
I'm thinking he is.?

To a degree. It's really easy for me to have my way with him if I want. I just need to do my nails and be flirty. In the past, if I am too agressive, or say that *I* am going to want something, all of a sudden he's tired.

Please answer the above, and then tell me why you wont try the following:

To cut to the chase. When I was was 'flirty' and grabbed his butt on the Monday at the bar, that was sort of when the conversation drifted towards HIM saying "we need to talk" and that he doesn't want to be "friends with benefits."

I don't think me being aggressive with him would be well received. He already quasi-rejected me a week ago. Besides, he hasn't dated or courted me; no nookie for him!

[Trixi]

PS- he was all absolutely convinced that he could have had me on Monday. (Or anytime for that matter.) and when I tried to tell him otherwise he argued a little bit and then said "Uh huh. Oookay." with the look of "poor thing trying to convince me she can resist me. Denial."

[Trixi]

I just got a call from an agent wanting feedback on a house I viewed last week. I checked it out for myself, knowing that I wasn't really prepared to buy. And I made sure it was vacant.

When I gave her the feedback I said "This was theorectically for myself, but I am not at the point where I am actually ready to buy. I just wanted to know that if it came down to it, I would have choices available to me." And she laughed and said she understood-- that I just wanted to see what was 'out there' and if it would be acceptable.

THAT is EXACTLY how I would view dating right now. I don't want to move from my current house; but if I am forced to, I want to know that I will have acceptable choices available to me.