I think I may not have made my self very clear as I was writing my post. I do understand the danger with enmeshment and other-validation. But my point is that other-validation per se is NOT bad. In fact, there should not be anything wrong with it if both people could be trusted to hold up their end of the validation duty. The problem comes during times of stress when people revert to the dysfunctional defense systems they learned in their past (which is why understanding your FOO is so important). When this happens one person stops validating the other and instead focuses on self protection. THAT is the problem with other-validation. The system is unstable because people are imperfect.
Fearless, I did not mean to say the path to interdependence is through enmeshment, but through differentiation, as you state. But I do not see differentiation itself as a final goal. As I understand the idea, differentiation means you re immune to compliments or criticism (was it Lil who said that?) I may be wrong, but I interpret differentiation to be sort of an emotional dead zone, in which two people stay together purely out of choice and not out of an emotional bond (which is doomed to eventually fail anyway). BUT we are human and as CeMar constantly reminds us, we do crave validation and desire no matter how differentiated we try to be. Being validated feels good! That is reality and that gives a "spark" to relationships (often the critical "spark" that got us stuck in the mess we're in).
The problem as we all know is when this source of good feeling is cut off. So put the best of both worlds together. Welcome the good feelings that come from other-validation (which is what I meant by "How can that part of other-validation be so bad?") but block the negative consequences that can occur when that validation stops by having already become capable of self-validation through differentiation. In other words, two truly healthy, secure very highly functional self-validating people should be able to engage in healthy enmeshment without fear of its negative consequences, which to me is interdependence.
