The idea of defining happiness versus enjoyment versus purpose is a little confusing for me.
Martelo said:
In my view ones purpose is something one should be able to live everyday and in every moment beyond a task or activity it would be a way of being. What purpose does a tiger have?
Not to speak for Corri, but what I am guessing she is working toward is to first establish what makes each of us happy without regard to anything or anyone else. This is a purely selfish exercise and speak more to the temperament of who we are, what type of personality we have, are we extroverted, introvert, adventurous, cautious, daring, in need of excitement or tranquility. With this as a backdrop, does the rest of our life fall into consistency with what makes us happy or in opposition to it?
IMO, I think that should include consideration of our “purpose” in life. We can choose many career paths or purposes, but to be truly happy and successful, that purpose should be somewhat consistent with who we are. So purpose is a higher order decision that should be based in part on what makes us happy, though not necessarily so. The choice of a purpose is always a compromise, as GGB states may be the case between artistic pursuit and money. The starving artist can be quite miserable if his kids are hungry. The successful business man can also be unhappy going to a high paying job he hates.
So I think purpose should be influenced by what makes us happy but not entirely determined by it. I do see a problem if the purpose makes one truly unhappy. IMO, the important thing is to be at peace with the compromise you make between work and happiness, and still be able to tap into whatever it is that makes you happy to round out your life. At least that is how I’m looking at this issue.
Okay. Yes, this can get confusing, and I often get confused myself on this. Let's take a step back.
I'll take me, for an example.
1. My PURPOSE in life is to be a well-balanced, happy woman, with passion.
I had to define what each of those three things meant to me, not anyone else. I thought about each. I thought about what it would feel like to be each, imagined it, and then started all over being all three at the same time. And I had to keep it really general, in order for it to work over time (because I will change the things I do, and my opinions on what things/feelings fall under each of those categories is going to change over my life-time).
In order to begin to experience the purpose of ME, I also thought, and imagined, about what it would feel like to NOT be each, and NOT be all three, at the same time. (That wasn't too hard.)
(NOTE: GGB, this is why I thought it very important for you to feel in what part of your body your emotion(s) was occurring. It helps you become of aware of it, one, and two, it helps YOU to identify, in your own language, what you are feeling. It doesn't matter what anyone else would call it).
K. (Mind you, I was doing this over weeks with three shrink, and giving him the same arguments you are all giving me). To give you an illustration of exactly what I am talking about:
LM:
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You know, Corri, the question or direction you gave regarding being aware of your feelings is in large part responsible for my ability to even begin to answer this. I really wasn't aware of how I was feeling these, I just kind of, well, felt. Now I am aware of this melancholy in my chest, just beneath my sternum. It is amplified by any gloomier moods, and remains the same during my happy moments, which I seem to feel higher, in my head and upper chest.
EXACTLY. EXACTLY. EXACTLY. If anyone wants to know, there is a more philosophical meaning to each region of the body, and what it indicates when feelings occur in those regions, but I think we should leave it out for now).
So for LM, the goal it to remove the underlying gloom that keeps 'happiness' from infusing the entire mind/body/spirit. But that is kind of jumping ahead.
OKAY. What makes you happy.
The way I personally defined 'what is happy,' to me, is the ability to keep my feelings in awareness and balance as I experience different levels of stress during the day. If I can keep myself in a balanced 'state,' regardless of what is going on around me, then I can focus on whatever it is I am doing, with enjoyment. If I can do all that, my result (in part, cause there is more to this) is being happiness.
So. Cobra, as you allowed yourself to imagine restoring your car, what did you feel and where did you feel it? Did you feel a surge? A bit of a smile? why? A bit of passion, even?
Let's go back again to LM:
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I am absolutely happiest when I am able to completely surrender to my muse while playing the acoustic guitar. I was trying to find a way to express that without sounding so, well, prissy or artsy but that wording seems to be the best. I am usually able to feel this way while in a setting much like Cobra was describing. While I'm camping by myself in a nearly empty campground, late at night by a fire. In the winter, I'll stay up and tend the fireplace after everyone has gone to bed, draw a cool glass of wine, break out the guitar and just burn it down. On a beach, yep. On the Blue Ridge parkway at a secluded overlook, absolutely. That feeling of complete abandon will not always come over me, but when it does, it feels like your soul spilling out onto the strings.
This is exactly it. It is the act of creating, with passion.
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I wonder if I could bring myself to completely surrender to my life?
I would only insert two words, at the end... and that would be... 'with passion.'
Ah. Here is where the specific activities enter the picture. And no, just like you have to leave out other people, you have to leave out cost... at first. You also have to remain realistic. For example, walking on the moon would really gig my day/life. The likelihood of that happening???? See what I mean?
But. There isn't anything any of you have mentioned, besides winning the lottery (and studies have shown that lottery winners are no more happy than the rest of us... because they still lack a sense of purpose.) that is really too far fetched.
Let us go back to the purpose of the exercise. It is mainly to get you to refocus on yourself. And just as if you were in a brainstorming session, there are NO WRONG ANSWERS at first. You can later go back and weed out what is realistic for you or not. The point is to let go, with abandon.
A little story on me. So my shrink finally gets me to a point of truly understanding the exercise. I went back three weeks later, in tears, because I couldn't think of a SINGLE ACTIVITY. I said, "I can't answer your question, and that really, really bothers me."
And he said, "Good. It should. That's the whole point."
I'm really impressed with you men, I have to say. Imconfused0807, I'm REALLY impressed with your list. And playing hockey can count in the mix, as long as you can find a pick up game. (No, I'm not from Michigan, but my bf is, and I'm in DEEtroit quite frequently... I LOVE the Red Wings).
But guys, THIS is what you HAVE to stop.
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- I used to build boats and wouldn’t mind building another one someday.
Leave out all the crap around what you enjoy doing for YOU.
REWORD: I enjoy building boats. I want to build another.
K. So maybe you can't build a 16ft boat. But you could build a ship in a bottle. Or a wooden one for your son.
Hairdog likes to sail. He may not be able to buy one, or go sailing, but he can walk around a marina, talk to people, touch the boats...
I LOVE horses. I love to ride. Can't afford a horse or get anywhere right now that I can ride regularly. But I can walk through barns... smell the hay, the stalls, the leather... it sends me to another place and time.
Martelo. What purpose does a tiger have?
My answer? Mu.
GGB.
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I'd like to try my hand at restoring an old car or building an airplane.
Start small, with a few models. See where it takes you and your imagination.
Visit a local airport. If you are shy, and you WANT to overcome as a means of reaching your personal goals... what can you do, specifically, that can get you to this?
Is this just for the guys or can the girls join in. Here's my list
I enjoy my job I enjoy being with my friends I enjoy being with my children I have become more differentiated from my H so now I am not brought down by his bad moods and we enjoy some QT and PT together I have a roof over my head and food on the table I have found a new outlet for my creativity I'm happy with the way my body is
Last week when I was feeling hyper horny I looked across the restaurant table at my H and I was just about to come out with "I love you" when I realised I meant me.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Oh, and by the way? When I told my shrink I couldn't think of a single activity (that didn't involve anyone else and that wasn't R&R), he said:
"That is a good deal of the reason why you are so exhausted each day. You do nothing to feed your soul."
Most women do this. Feeds the LD state.
And... this whole exercise came right before I found SSM. Instead of thinking of sex in generic terms... I had to refocus my thoughts... 'what do I enjoy about sex FOR ME, were I to give myself permission to actually own and experience the fact that I actually might like it?
OK now I've gone back and actually read over the thread properly. I agree with what Corri is trying to do. If everything you think makes you happy involves other people then that is pretty fused. I have become ALOT happier lately because I have started to do things just for me. Examples are joining the choir and doing creative writing. It is not just about being happy because my H likes the dinner I cooked or because the kids have had a good day, although those things are good too but that is letting your happiness DEPEND on how other people are. If my H barely touches the dinner and the kids are a pain and fighting each other I can cope MUCH better if I had a good time at choir or managed to knock out another chapter of my novel in my lunch break.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
What if you went back in time pre-marriage, when you were young and had dreams?
For instance, I dreamed of becoming an archaologist and digging around in Egypt. I dreamed of traveling across the world. I dreamed of learning to play a musical instrument. I dreamed of becoming an author.
I grew up in a small, rural town. A lot of my "happy thoughts" were spent on the idea of traveling to other places. That continues to hold true. Today, some of my happy things would be to drive up the eastern seaboard all the way to Maine in the fall and enjoy the changing leaf colors. I want to see the Florida keys (preferably without a hurricane). I spent a lot of time with my nose buried in books (another way of "traveling") - I like writing but my disorganization and ease of distraction makes that painful, this is dittoed on learning a musical instrument. I would enjoy museum hopping (that's about as close as my Egypt-interest feels safe going).
Is that closer, Corri?
Absolutely. There are ways to satisfy what is behind most of those thoughts... and I see creativity and adventure... high excitement. Passion.
How many of us read with passion? I mean, really?
To me... it sounds like you want to go someplace new and while there, learn something new.
But once you do that... what do you do with the knowledge?
Have you ever considered starting a blog? You can post pictures, and you can write about your 'travels,' even if they are local... and there is no deadline to meet... no publisher to satisfy (besides yourself). Lends to disciplining yourself. And we can break it down even further... if that would help.
But still... do you all see... the consistency between people's lists? It involves what sparks our inner passions... and how we might choose to express it/them... in a creative, concrete way... over time... because it is a creation and expression of US. Who We Are.
This goes back to the Have/Do/Be principle. Most people view life like this: When I have the time/money/energy to DO what I want, I will BE happy.
Now flip it. Be/Do/Have
I am happy. I do things that reflect that happiness. In so being/doing, I find that I have everything I could ever want.
Most people want to be rich so they can do what they want, when they want to do it. Without stress.
Most monetarily rich people I know are stressed more than I am because they are so worried about losing their money.
But that isn't what most people really want. They want to be happy. In order to be happy, you have to define that for yourself, and you have to live a life that reflects that.Most people, including myself... have no idea what this is. And until you figure it out, you will only chase a theory, for most of your life. And you sure as heck aren't going to know if you ever reach your point of happiness... if you have never defined it... how could you?
For career type goals, I would like to do something creative/artistic, something with my hands, something that you can see the fruits of your labor. Definitely not something like public relations or sales. The problem with artistic jobs is the money. Hard to raise a family as a starving artist. Maybe travel as a photographer... nahh, still no money.
Again, it is the act of creating our purpose each and every day, that gigs us. So you may not be able to live the life of an artist, and make money at it... but. I don't think there is one person that would argue that restoring a car is a creative endeavor, a work of art. And if even they do... who cares?
A lot of times, people think they have to have a job they are passionate about. Maybe. That would be really cool. But if you live a life of passion, your job, in some way, will reflect that, because it allows you to do the things that you passionately want to do.
Personally, if I live a life of passion, it really doesn't matter what I do for a living, to make money, because I will carry my passion TO the job, instead of depending on the job to feed my passion. Yes, I have to make a certain amount of money. But that doesn't mean my job gets to define ME, and how I feel. And how deeply I feel it. I am the master of THAT ship.
I think there is a lot going on here and on Burg's thread which is talking about the same thing. We think that doing things for/with others is what makes us happy because we seek other-validation so strongly. If we become well-differentiated then it is easy to think of the things that would make us happy that don't depend on other people. I think ART is the big one here. Art (of whatever form) is something you do for yourself, you are pleased with the result because you like it not because anyone else does. Making something beautiful (in your own eyes) and doing it in such a way that it absorbs your full attention while you do it - that's happiness.
If someone comes along and says 'wow isn't that wonderful' does that really make any difference to how you feel about what you've done?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
