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Coping with Feelings of Loss After Divorce or Separation

Overview
Dealing with the intense feelings that you may have when a marriage ends.

A divorce or separation is always painful. For many people, a divorce can be as hard to cope with as the death of a loved one. Even if you feel relieved that you no longer have to live with the tension of a strained relationship, you may find that a divorce or separation brings intense feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, or fears about the future. All of these emotions are natural when a marriage ends, and there are many ways to cope with them.


Common feelings after divorce or separation
Two people rarely start thinking about splitting up at exactly the same moment. Instead, one member of a couple usually wants to end the marriage more -- or sooner -- than the other does. Some experts call this spouse "the person who leaves" and the other "the person who's left behind" (or just "the leaver" and "the left"). Depending on which roles you had, you and your spouse may have very different feelings about your divorce or separation.

If you wanted the divorce more than your spouse did. If you wanted the divorce, you may feel very relieved at first to have taken steps to end a troubled marriage. But you may have unexpected feelings later on. Spouses who wanted a divorce may blame themselves for the breakup of their family or for financial or other hardships that occur afterward. Experts say that, for this reason, the difficulties of these spouses may arise later and last longer than those of the people who didn't want the divorce.

If your spouse wanted the divorce more than you did. If your spouse wanted the divorce, you may feel anger, shock, and a sense of betrayal, especially if you believe the two of you could have worked out your differences. Some "left" spouses cling to the idea that the other person is a villain -- or that there's a way to save their marriage -- even if neither of these views is realistic. Long after the divorce becomes final, they may still fantasize about getting back together or have trouble forgiving a former spouse for trivial incidents that occurred years earlier.

Thinking about your role in the separation or divorce can help you anticipate the challenges you may face and may lead to a better understanding of your spouse's behavior. For example, you might assume that if a former spouse avoids you or your children, he or she no longer cares about the family. In reality, your ex may be feeling extremely guilty and afraid to face you or others for fear of being criticized. In complex situations like this, a therapist or another counselor may be able to help you understand the emotions that you and your former spouse may be experiencing.

Tips on coping with intense or painful emotions
A divorce or separation can involve many kinds of losses. At the very least, it requires you to give up the dream that you and your spouse will always stay together "for better or worse." Depending on your situation, you may also have to give up your home, custody of your children, some of your financial security, and other things that are important to you. Even if you wanted to end your marriage, these losses may seem almost unbearably painful.

For this reason, when a marriage ends, your feelings of grief may last for a long time. This is a normal and very common reaction to one of the biggest adjustments anyone ever has to make. Here are some tips for coping:

Allow yourself to grieve. Mourning is a healthy part of the grieving process when someone you love dies, and it can be a healthy part of the healing process after a divorce, too. Give yourself permission to grieve after your divorce or separation.

Think about what helped with other losses. Ask yourself what has made you feel better when people you loved have died. Writing a note? Listening to soothing music? Spending a few quiet moments in a peaceful setting such as a park or garden? Any of these might help after a divorce, too.

Consider finding a way to mark the day your divorce becomes final. Some experts believe that it can help you achieve a sense of peace or finality if you mark the day your marriage officially ends, or the day you get your divorce decree in the mail. You might consider lighting a candle, having lunch with your best friend, or writing a poem or letter about your feelings on that day.

Share painful feelings with your closest friends and relatives. You may never need your friends or relatives more than you do during a separation or divorce. But those people may start to feel uncomfortable around you if you talk continually or bitterly about your former spouse. Save the most painful details for a few of the people you trust the most -- your closest friends or family members, or professionals such as the clergy.

Look for healthy ways to express your feelings. Think about starting a "divorce journal" in a notebook or on your computer. (Try to write down something positive or encouraging each day.) Or find another creative way to express your feelings -- draw or paint a picture, work on a home project, or plant a flower or tree that will blossom even if your marriage has withered.

Let friends and family members know how they can help. People who haven't been divorced or separated (and even some who have) may not know what would help you most. Speak up if you need an occasional babysitter, help with tasks your spouse used to do, or advice on drawing up a new budget.

Reach out to new people. After a divorce, you may see less of certain people who had a stronger attachment to your ex (or whom you saw only because your former spouse liked them). Accept some changes in your social life as inevitable, and reach out to new people who can fill the gaps in your social life.

Anticipate days that may be difficult, such as holidays and your wedding anniversary. Some people find that, years after a divorce, they still feel sad on days that they associate with their former spouse. Let friends know if you could use a little extra support at these times.

Take care of yourself. A divorce or separation can be physically and emotionally stressful, so it's important not to neglect your health. Make sure you understand any changes in your healthcare coverage that will result from a separation or divorce.

Join a support group for separated or divorced people. You may find it helpful to share your feelings with people who've been divorced or separated and know what you're going through. You may be able to find a group through your employee resource program (if you don't know how to contact your employee resource program, ask a human resources representative) or the local chapter of an organization for separated or divorced people or single parents. If you can't find a group in your area, consider joining a group on the Internet. You can find online groups by searching for keywords such as "divorce support."

Make major changes slowly. Resist the pressure from friends and relatives to make big changes before you feel ready, whether these include selling a house, moving to a new community, or starting to date. You may feel better about any changes you make if you know you've thought them through carefully.

Look into counseling if you feel emotionally "stuck." For most people, the pain of a separation or divorce eases with time. If your sadness doesn't become easier to bear after a while, you may want to talk to a therapist or another counselor. There are counselors who specialize in working with separated or divorced people. You may be able to find a specialist through your employee resource program, searching the Internet, calling the psychiatry department of a community hospital, or getting in touch with the local chapter of a group such as the American Psychological Association.

Follow your own emotional timetable. Everybody adjusts to separation or divorce at a different rate. Don't expect to "get over" your feelings of loss by a certain time just because you know somebody else did.

Moving beyond loss and grief
In the first months after separation or divorce, you may seem to need all your emotional strength just to survive from one day to the next. But as you begin to feel stronger and more confident, you may want to take additional steps to move beyond loss and grief.

Forgive yourself and your former spouse for any mistakes you made. It can take a long time -- often years -- to forgive both yourself and your former spouse for any mistakes you made during your marriage. You may find it easier to do this if you can acknowledge that just as both you and your former spouse did some things wrong, you did a lot that was right, too.

Set new goals. In the months immediately before and after a divorce or separation, many people have to focus on goals that relate to the end of their marriage, such as helping children adjust or finding a new place to live. Later you'll probably want to set new goals, including some that you couldn't have achieved while you were married such as spending more time with your friends or going back to finish a degree.

Coping with the loss and grief that often follow a divorce or separation can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But if you allow yourself to grieve and learn ways to cope during this difficult period, you can begin to move forward.

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