Overview Ways to move forward emotionally, socially, and financially after a divorce.
Moving forward after a divorce is one of the biggest challenges you may ever face. Experts say that every couple gets two divorces -- a legal divorce and an emotional divorce. In many cases, the legal divorce becomes final after a relatively brief period of time. But the emotional divorce may take much longer to achieve.
That's because your feelings for your former spouse -- and your memories of the good times you had together -- don't end when a judge says that your marriage is over. In order to move forward emotionally, you need to establish a new relationship with your former spouse, a process that can take a long time.
Moving forward emotionally
Here are some ways to start adjusting to being divorced: Forgive yourself and your ex. This may be the hardest task you face after a divorce. If you wanted the divorce, you may feel guilty about the pain your spouse and children have experienced even if you believe that the change will benefit all of you. If you didn't want the divorce, you may find it hard to forgive your spouse for ending the marriage. If you're experiencing any of these feelings, you might try writing a letter in which you officially "forgive" yourself or your ex. Even if you don't mail the letter, putting your ideas on paper may help you make peace with the past.
Accept that your marriage is over. It can take years to accept fully that a marriage has ended. In the meantime, you can make the transition easier by taking steps to remind yourself that you've entered a different stage of life. For example, you might put away wedding photos or take up some new activities -- such as jogging or joining a book group -- that will provide welcome distraction when you find yourself dwelling on the past.
Give up the idea that your ex is your best friend. Viewing your ex as your best friend makes it harder to accept that your marriage has ended and can also lead to strained relations with your former spouse. Make an extra effort to reach out to other friends or develop new relationships.
Don't invent excuses for unnecessary calls or get-togethers. You may need to see or talk to your former spouse frequently if you have children or participate in the same activities -- for example, if you work for the same company or attend the same house of worship. But don't invent reasons for meetings or conversations. Instead of calling your former spouse every time you have a problem with the car or computer, try to build a new network of people who can help in a crisis.
Write or call your former in-laws to let them know what kind of relationship you'd like to have now. You can set a positive tone if you call or write promptly to talk about the relationship you'd like to have with them. You might say, "Our marriage has ended, but I'll always be grateful for the love you've given to our children, and I hope you'll want to continue to see them at your home or ours."
Set limits on how much you talk about your ex with friends and co-workers. Setting a few limits has two big benefits: It can keep you from dwelling on the past, and it can help to keep your friendships strong. Even your closest friends and co-workers may start to avoid you if every time you see them, you talk about your marriage or your ex.
Try to find a creative outlet for your feelings. You may find it easier to avoid talking continually about your ex if you write about your emotions in a journal. Or look for another way to express intense feelings -- doing drawings or paintings, playing music on the guitar or piano, or hammering nails as you build a new bench or bookcase.
Consider meeting on neutral ground when you need to get together. Even with the best of intentions, you or your spouse may find that some settings tend to push all your emotional buttons -- the family home, your favorite restaurant, the park where you used to take romantic walks. If this happens, consider meeting in a neutral setting, such as a coffee shop that didn't exist when you were married.
Have another adult join you if your former spouse is having trouble letting go. Ask a trusted friend to join you if you need to meet with a former spouse who behaves in ways that aren't appropriate to your new relationship -- for example, by making sexual overtures or by making hurtful remarks that reopen old wounds.
Join a divorce support group. Joining a support group can give you a safe place to talk about your feelings with people who've had similar experiences. It can also give you a way to share what you've learned and help others. Check the weekly calendar of events in your newspaper for listings of groups. Or call the social work or community outreach department of a hospital and find out if it offers support programs for divorced or separated adults.
Some experts recommend divorce counseling for couples who are having a lot of trouble making the adjustment to life after a divorce. This kind of counseling typically consists of three or four sessions with a therapist or other counselor who helps former spouses find solutions to the issues that are causing the most trouble. Divorce counseling can be especially helpful to people who didn't have marriage counseling or who keep having trouble with a specific issue, such as how to discipline children.
Establishing a new social life There are usually two big challenges to creating an independent social life after a divorce. The first is establishing new relationships with friends you used to see as a couple. The second is deciding how and when to start dating again if you'd like to do that. You may want to: Decide with your ex what you'll tell others about the divorce. Most of your friends and co-workers don't need -- or want -- to hear more than a brief explanation such as, "We grew in different directions" or "We realized that we like and respect each other but are too different to live together." Avoid loyalty tests. Don't put friends in a position of having to choose sides in the divorce -- for example, by refusing to see anybody who maintains a relationship with your former spouse.
Realize that others may feel as confused as you do about the divorce. If some friends keep their distance, it may mean that they don't know what to say instead of that they don't want to see you. Be willing to reach out to them even if you feel that you're the one who needs the support.
Let friends and co-workers know how your circumstances have changed. People who value your friendship will understand if you say that you need to get together for lunch or after work because you have to spend weekends with your children.
Resist the pressure to get involved in new relationships before you feel ready. Everybody has a different timetable for adjusting to a divorce. It may take weeks, months, or even years before you feel ready to begin a new relationship. When you feel ready to start dating, consider options that may not have existed before you were married. Talk to unmarried and divorced friends about how they've met people they wanted to date. Did they use an Internet dating service? Take an adventure vacation? Join a singles' club in your area?
Think about taking up new activities that you couldn't pursue when you were married. You might want to do volunteer work, look into a new sport or hobby, or take a night or weekend class in a subject that interests you.
Plan ahead for birthdays, holidays, and other special events. Speak up about your needs instead of waiting for others to figure them out. Let friends know that your children will be spending a holiday with your ex, or that your birthday is approaching. Tell a friend, "My birthday is coming up, and I'd like to do something special. Why don't we have lunch at that new restaurant we keep saying we want to try?"
Taking steps to strengthen your financial security It's natural to feel concerned about money after a divorce. You and your former spouse may have many expenses that you didn't have while married -- a second rent or mortgage payment, travel expenses for children who move back and forth, the cost of separate vacations, or an extra set of household furnishings. Here are a few ideas for easing financial troubles:
Avoid making major financial decisions -- such as selling your home -- until you have a solid understanding of your new needs. You might find that it makes more financial sense to stay in your home and live on a tight budget than to make a big move right after a divorce.
Talk at least once a year to a tax adviser or other expert who can help you evaluate your changing circumstances. It's especially important to do this if you are receiving alimony that may end at a certain point or if you have other financial arrangements that are subject to change.
Learn how to plan for your financial future on your own. Take courses to strengthen your professional skills. Talk to other divorced people and find out how they learned to live on a lower income. Look into the free financial advice offered by many banks, county extension services, and other sources, which may help with anything from drawing up a household budget or planning for a child's education.
Facing the future with confidence One key to facing the future confidently is keeping in mind that everybody responds to divorce differently. Avoid comparing yourself to a friend or co-worker who found a great new relationship in a few months or who has a much more harmonious relationship with a former spouse. You may have many more difficulties at first than somebody else. But these can lead you to explore a wider variety of options that may leave you better off in the long run. Trust your instincts, and take time to think carefully about one of the biggest adjustments you'll ever have to make.
