WAW filing for D

[Kelley]

I've asked my W why she never just said, "I'm really unhappy."
BD

I asked my H the same thing why he just never came to me before to say the same thing. I would have listened if he would have told me that he was at the point where he could care less whether he lived or died. He told others this but never said a word to me about it. I wish that he would have said something even before the OW came into the picture to tell me that he is ready to skip out if things don't change between us.

OTOH, I was unhappy too before all this happened and I didn't say anything either but I seriously thought that he would not listen or he would not want to make things better. Many years ago I tried to explain that I was unhappy about some things but he didn't care.

[dlt1]

My W feels like she told me. I can;t say for sure, But I do not remeber her actually saying I am unhappy. She asked if I thought counseling would work. She asked if I wanted to do diff things together. She always asked me, but never told me what she wanted. Never said, I would like us to go to counseling. I honestly do not know if it would have mattered. I was keeping everything in, and wasn't trying to understand the divide between us. My hope is all but gone. Just a sliver for now. She is not one to change her mind - right or wrong. I have opportunity to interact with her, probably more so than the initial 30 day separation. I can only hope that she will like what hse sees as I work on making myself happy without her. It's so difficult on days like today when I can't get my mind off of her. Good times, bad times, what ifs. Why can't she just take this opportunity with me?

[DaveJ]

I think sometimes we just don't really hear. I remember the W telling me she ain't happy so many times. I just though it's due to her living so far away from her family since they are very close. I never really listened and realized that it could be me. Maybe a little denial too? She has asked if we can go to a couples therapist. Too bad I've been reading the John Gottman's book on 7 principles of a happy marriage or something like that and it says most of them are quack and it end up making things worse. So I refused. Maybe I should've listened to her. It would at least make her feeling I'm validating her feelings even if it didn't help..... And yes, we all tear our hair out and want to know, Why can't she just take this opportunity with me???? Guess she has been on the other side and "offered" many opportunities already and gave up.

[Heimlich]

I guess Kelly hit the flip side of my question and one of the reason I'm still trying. My W failed me, but I also failed her. I wasn't happy and I didn't bring it up either. I thought my unhappiness was all work and weight related, but there was a large element of not being happy with her that I was pushing off and blaming on other things. Sounds a little odd, but I felt like we were in love, so it couldn't be her fault I was this unhappy.

Blech.

BD

[Handful of Rain]

The truth is Kelly, the signs were there, just like mine, but we didn't want or know how to read them, that is why they felt like they have to do something drastic, to really wake us up. Just like now we have to do the same thing, we have to do something that they would never expected us to do, and that is change, That is the only way that they will, if it's not too late wake up, and fight for the R, or the M.

Just like I'm sure you know, telling someone that you've changed is one thing, but without actions, there is no proof. Our WAS's are very skeptical and closed minded, to them seeing and seeing for a long time is believing. That is why we must do it for ourselves. If we only change because we want them back, they will know it, it will show, we will be doomed to repeat the cycle again and again, I know, I have been separated from my W, before, and she and I both promised change, and look where we are now, apart and pending a D, that is inevitable, it is most likely gonna happen.

I am not giving up on me, though, and not on her till I am ready. That is something that my W, kids, family and friends just don't understand. They think I deserve better, and I do. But whose to say that she can't be the one that I deserve? Whose to say she can't change? though it is doubtful, and even I doubt it, sometimes, then when I least expect it, I see the girl, I fell in love with, peaking through all the drama that we are going through right now. It is those times and my faith in God, that give me strength to fight on. I know that I am going to have to have some kind of R with her, we have kids, and so we are bonded for life. Whether it is friendship or more, she will always be in my life, and me in hers. So for my sake, for the kids sake, and for her sake, I have to change, and so does she, and she will maybe a little, maybe a lot, but I know that she will.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get off the subject of your sitch, and I hope you can find some advice in all of that. Take care.

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, My W swears she told me too, but all I recall her saying is after I found out about the cheating, was that it was over for her, before she did it. Which I don't think is the same thing as I am unhappy, and I am thinking of cheating on you. No, she may have told me in other ways, but never straight out. Most of them never do, We never had the fantasy talk, that I posted earlier, or anything similar. It usually went like this...

W would usually get mad, and we would fight over something stupid. then later on into the fight the real issue would come out. Then I would defend myself, then she would defend herself, then we would let our emotions get the better of us, till she couldn't take it anymore, then she would run away to the bedroom or another part of the house, I would wait for a while, then I would come in, and try to talk to her, and thinking I'd gave her enough time to cool down, I mean she wasn't yelling, so she was calm right, Wrong! She was still mad, just holding it in, trying to block me out. Then after a while of listening to me basically begging her, she would half-hearted agree. and we would make up, etc. a pattern that repeated itself, over and over again. Small argument, then big fight, then she runs, then I chased, then I beg, then she agrees, then we make up, till next time. Do you see the cycle?

It was always the same nothing new. Never changed. Now it is different. Because,I am choosing to break the cycle, there are no more small arguments, sometimes just a big talk, I will not let my emotions get out of hand, she still runs when she can't take it, but I don't chase or beg, and that now puts the ball in her court, she has to make the effort. I want her to chase me, now. And sooner or later, I know that she will. Maybe she'll catch me, maybe she won't. but I know that sooner or later, she will try. Anyway, like I said they all will go through the phases, and they all with have to deal with it, sometime, they can't hide from themselves. So just keep on doing what is best for you, everything else will fall into place. Take care.

[dlt1]

but there was a large element of not being happy with her that I was pushing off and blaming on other things. Sounds a little odd, but I felt like we were in love, so it couldn't be her fault I was this unhappy.

I hear you. I either didn't want to admit her faults, or I rationalized away my needs as unneccesary.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get off the subject of your sitch, and I hope you can find some advice in all of that. Take care.

I take a lot from what you posted. I can't get my head straight on what I am doing for me, b/c I always think about the effect it could have, or I hope it to have, on W and our M.
My biggest change needed is to delve deeper into my W's feelings, express mine openly and in control, and put forth effort to engage in activities with my W. How am I doing this while separated and staring a Divorce in the face?
1. I am unsure of digging into W right now, fear it will push her away. 180 would be to come out and ask...is this ok?
2. I have been expressing my feelings to anyone who will listen. I think I am at a poit where I can control them 80% of the time. I have discussed my past feelings with W. Prolly not at a point where I can discuss current, as they may push her away.
3. Getting into some sort of shape. Didn't push biking with W b/c she had been working out for so long, I felt I would slow her down. (IDIOT!)
Going to take dogs for a bit on weekends. Keeps me busy, stay in touch w/ dogs, adds to getting in shape (will walk at parks).
Trying to engage people and talk to them. Will help me to make friends. Would like chance to interact with W's new friends again. What will the results be:
A. I feel better physically. I have more energy and a positive outlook.
B. I have wonderfully stronger and closer realtionships with many friends, as well as with my parents. I have learned the value of a true friend, and the importance of family. I will never take either for granted again. If my W will try, we will have an open and honest line of communication that will be the foundation of a M like I never imagined (or allowed myself to fully explore).
C. My W will feel that I understand her, that I am willing to talk to her openly. That I will not judge her. My W will feel loved in a way she has not for many months at least.

Will I get there on all 3 counts??? Just have to stay tuned, these are the days of our lives

[Heimlich]

Before OT comes over her and hits you in the head -- STOP TALKING TO YOUR W ABOUT THE R.

See my last thread for more details.

BD

[Handful of Rain]

Heimlich, I know DENIAL SUCKS! but THANK GOD, YOU HAVE WOKEN UP!

It took me a while to see that too, I was just as unhappy, as she was, but I like you, thought that since we loved each other, and that would pull me through.

I had faith, and when everything went sour, between us, I cursed God, the one I had faith in, I thought that, He let me down. Because now I was losing everything, I'd fought so hard to hold. but after a while the truth was revealed to me, I shouldn't had to fight so hard, it should have been easier to hold. God didn't let me down, I did. I focused on saving it, so many times, that I lost myself in it, all I was, was a husband, and nothing more.

Now, I know I am more, I am me, I am a child of God, I am a super father, a good son, a great brother, a caring friend, a song writer/musician, and soon to be a great head Graphic Designer, also I am here on this message board to help give whatever advice that I can, to return the favor to all of you, out there who have given it to me. You see all things happen for a reason. Take care.

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, I have to agree with Heimlich, Stop all the R, talk with W, I don't know if you have read this link or not, but I am going to give it to you, to try...
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

A good friend here, gave it to me, when I was really lost, I read it whenever I feel like I am focusing on W, and sitch too much. I hope if you haven't read it, you will. and If you have, you will keep the link and take the time to read it again, and again. It will help.

BTW, some of the activities you are doing, sound great, keep focused on you. Take care.