Get me on a smoother ride........Need Advice

[SueS]

Hi Everyone- Sorry for the long post......I'm not a newcomer to the site and unfortunately, here I am again. I saw my M starting down an all too familiar path, so I jumped on here again. I won't get into all the details of my previous visits, because I really want advice & support with this sit. I'm 39 & my H just turned 40. We have a 3 1/2 year old D. We've been on some bumpy roads the past 3 1/2 years (bankruptcy, me having issues with my new "mom's body", a long distance move....etc.). When our D was born, my H had a hard time with how to handle a newborn. He kind of went off and did his thing, which left me to be with our D ALL OF THE TIME. I love her, but we all know that after a while, that make a person feel alone & rejected. When my H would come home after being out, he'd want to have sex. I would reject him.....1) because I just didn't feel good about myself & 2) I was mad because I felt like the only time he wanted me was when he'd been drinking.

After we made our move, he had a hard time finding work. I had/have a great job & I think that made him feel really insecure. Plus, I was still having issues with how I felt about myself. We didn't get to spend too much time alone, so that didn't help. He had threatened to leave a few times over the past few years, but never did.

In Jan., we moved into a new place and things started to improve. We spent more time together (got a babysitter). My H just started a new position within his company in June & our sex life was a lot more active than it had been...etc. Life was GREAT!! Or so I thought.

In late June, early July, I started to suspect something was going on. I didn't know with who, but when you've been with someone for 17 years, you just know. I couldn't find anything that would show an A. Nothing. I started to relax. Then I took a look at our phone bill. I kept seeing the same number come up and at odd times of the day. I got the chance to check H's phone itself and realized that it was the number of a former co-worker. A co-worker who is married with 4 kids. A co-worker that we'd spent time with....and her husband....and their kids. The first time my H asked me if I wanted to go out with them, I thought it was great. Finally!...a couple our age with kids. Someone I can relate to. I think my H knows I know something is up, but not who OW is. He hasn't asked me or forced us to spend any large amount of time with them.

Here's the thing. My H has been "normal" to me in all aspects other than the affection he used to give. Limited hugs & he kind of hugs his side of the bed when we sleep. I don't get the Love Ya's from him either, just limited if I say it first. He still communicates with me, our sex life has been more active than ever and we still talk about a lot of future things. In fact, we just went to see a mortgage person last week. We just talked to some friends on Saturday about coming out to CA for a visit. I asked him if he still loves me and he said Yes.

Our weekend was great until Sunday. Friday night, he told me that OW's husband (who I don't think has a clue either) had called to see if we wanted to go to dinner. He had told them we'd do it another time. H had to work Sat. morning & called me on his way home (he was running late) to tell me he was stuck in traffic (legitimate). All weekend, H would tell me where he was going (running to the store...etc.), he would ask our D what mommy was doing if I wasn't in the same room. Sex on Friday night & very early Sun. morning. I saw an incoming & and outgoing call on H's phone from OW on Sat. night (when I was asleep), but absolutely no contact yesterday. Sunday morning he woke up in a bad mood. My first hope was "Hey, maybe he's crabby because OW called it quits". I'm sure I'm not that lucky, but hey, there's always that hope. My D was whining like crazy too. I finally just grabbed my shoes & jacket & out the door I went. Boy did that throw him for a loop. I just told him that I wanted to get out for a walk, although it was obvious I'd been crying. Later I took our D to the store. I gave him a kiss & a smile before leaving, which he recipricated. But, when we got back...in a little bit of a bad mood again. I'm not sure if his bad mood yesterday was because of no contact with OW or because of.......rainy, gloomy weather & our tv was out. He's a big sports fan & he wanted to watch some games. He kind of lightened up last night around dinner time and was a little more open with communications.

My thing is this.....I'm trying like crazy to be that upbeat, positive person. I started walking/jogging & have lost weight. We talk & email at work, but I just don't know what to do to get that closeness back again. I know I can't push him and I'm hoping the A will die....soon. I don't know if it's a PA because there are very, very limited times for them to see each other....with their work schedules and OH YEAH....their marriages & kids.

How do I work on getting him to be close to me again? I just want that snuggling in bed.....a kiss good-bye....a hug when he gets home. Every time I think it's getting better, it seems to go the other direction. I need help. I want my M to work more than anything. I still love him. He still makes me weak when he touches me. I still love hearing his deep voice on the phone. Help me!

[Dr LOve]

Sue,

Are you happy with yourself? This is where you need to start. My W is "overweight" but in my eyes she is beautiful. But she is insecure and ashamed of her body so she does not want to show it.
She not being happy with herself soon turns into me living with an unhappy person. This is no fun. I have tried to make her happy but SHE needs to be the one to do this.
Look onto your self. Find things that you enjoy and DO THEM. This will make you a better person and make you someone your H will want to be around.
Good luck

Husband

[SueS]

Husband- Thank you for your response. I am trying to work on me. The thing is though, that I'd started to feel better about myself and our connection had seemed to have gotten stronger before this happened. I started walking/jogging in the morning and have been a lot happier lately.

Did you get back to the place where you were more attracted to your W (not just physically, but emotionally....)? Did you get back to a place where you saw that happy person again? What kinds of things did you and your W talk about to get you back on track. I hate sitting there in silence, but I don't want to just do a ......."nice weather we're having"....kind of thing.

My H emailed me today and was happy about some deals he's been getting done at work. I've been very supportive of him at work, as I know it's a large part of his identity. I called him back instead of emailing so I could hear his voice.

We do have a wedding that we're going to this Friday (just the two of us). My parents are coming in town to watch our daughter, so I'm hoping that gives us some quality time together. I'd love to find a new dress for the wedding too....knock him off his feet!

[Dr LOve]

Did you get back to the place where you were more attracted to your W (not just physically, but emotionally....)? Did you get back to a place where you saw that happy person again? What kinds of things did you and your W talk about to get you back on track. I hate sitting there in silence, but I don't want to just do a ......."nice weather we're having"....kind of thing.

My W decided to have an affair to try to find happiness. She went to her x bf of 18 years ago and he used her. She still does not see this. He is married and lives out of state. She has gained over 70 pounds since they dated he was in no was attracted to her physically it was just sex to him. I am working on opening communication with my W. We are not there yet.

So I'm hoping that gives us some quality time together. I'd love to find a new dress for the wedding too....knock him off his feet!

The wedding. This is a great start. The jogging and walks sound great. Have you asked your H if he wanted to join you? Just a thought.

Husband

[SueS]

Husband- I'm sorry that your W tried to find happiness elsewhere. I wasn't thinking that way at all. I had gotten so down on myself that I just couldn't imagine feeling comfortable with anyone. Once things would start, I felt good and I didn't think about how I looked, but it took my poor H a lot of convincing to even get me to respond. I know my H didn't say it to be cruel, but he told me that he liked the way I looked when we lived in CA. When we lived there, my hair was long with hightlights. I was 30-35 lbs lighter and just felt great. I've shed about 15 of those pounds and am determined to get rid of the rest. But, like I said, lately things had....actually have been great that way.

I would love for my H to do the walking/jogging thing with me. With our daughter and our different schedules, we just can't do it. Speaking of schedules, that's one thing that keeps my H & OW in touch. They used to work together.....5-11:30 pm. He switched departments (Thank goodness), but she's up late on her nights that she works. 3 days a week he works until 9:00 pm, so he still stays up late. I think she calls him or he calls her when the families are already in dreamland!

[RedHeadWife]

I think w/ an EA, the bottom line(s) is/are that you need to figure out what he is getting from her that he doesn't feel that he's getting from you at this point.

Also, the excitement, drama, etc. that comes w/ a forbidden EA is addicting I think. After we've been married for so long, that initial excitement of a new romance is no longer there. That is probably what they are both getting out of it. The skipping heartbeat when the phone rings and it's the other person, that feeling you get in your stomach, etc.

[Have Faith]

I agree with Cadesmom. My H has been involved in a EA for 9 months. Sometimes when he has been open with me he has said that it was an ego thing and that the OW made him feel wanted. At first he was in the "bubble" and was ready to throw in the towel, but somehow in the 5th month, the bubble must have gotten a whole in it, because he wasn't so sure that it was the OW he wanted.

Secrecy does fuel the fire. It is a whole lot different when they know that you know. I found out just about 2 months into his EA. However, H said that if I didn't go snooping around, it probably would have just gone away. I don't think that is a smart thing to do because it would just give him license to do it again. No consequences, just fun times and excitement for him.

He won't be close to you again for awhile. My H had to begin to feel safe around me before we started getting close.

Faith

[Dr LOve]

Also, the excitement, drama, etc. that comes w/ a forbidden EA is addicting I think. After we've been married for so long, that initial excitement of a new romance is no longer there. That is probably what they are both getting out of it. The skipping heartbeat when the phone rings and it's the other person, that feeling you get in your stomach, etc.

I agree Cades,
But this "excitement" can be re established if both partys are willing.sneaking off for the weekend, body paints, whip cream. ok i have to stop now.

BTW Cades no contact with my OP. I think she finely gave up.


Husband

[SueS]

Husband - Cadesmom & Have Faith-

Thanks so much for the responses. So let me get this straight. I shouldn't let him know that I that I know? You're saying that it will just push it on further? I hate the thought of it lasting any longer.

As I said, we have a wedding to attend this weekend & our D will be with my parents. I thought about some of the things that Husband mentioned.....whip cream....etc. I wondered if that would get anything going.

I'm just not sure how to go about finding out what he's getting out of the EA that he's not getting from me. My H has never been a very secure guy so having his ego stroked is a big deal for him. I tell him that he looks nice & give him compliments, but I don't think it means as much from me. I know it's flattering to all of us to get compliments, especially when it's coming from a stranger.

Should I be that happy person who gives little pats, kisses & hugs here and there? I don't want to push him away, but I don't want to stop the affection I give either.

Well, D is done with supper and H will be home soon.

Thanks for the support.

[SueS]

Husband - Cadesmom & Have Faith-

Thanks so much for the responses. So let me get this straight. I shouldn't let him know that I that I know? You're saying that it will just push it on further? I hate the thought of it lasting any longer.

As I said, we have a wedding to attend this weekend & our D will be with my parents. I thought about some of the things that Husband mentioned.....whip cream....etc. I wondered if that would get anything going.

I'm just not sure how to go about finding out what he's getting out of the EA that he's not getting from me. My H has never been a very secure guy so having his ego stroked is a big deal for him. I tell him that he looks nice & give him compliments, but I don't think it means as much from me. I know it's flattering to all of us to get compliments, especially when it's coming from a stranger.

Should I be that happy person who gives little pats, kisses & hugs here and there? I don't want to push him away, but I don't want to stop the affection I give either.

Well, D is done with supper and H will be home soon.

Thanks for the support.