Cobra - How can that part of other-validation be so bad?

Burgbud - Because no one can provide it to you all the time and what will you do when you don't get it? You've already decided you *need* it and now it's not being provided. Plus, to get what you *need*, you almost always mold your behavior to something that you believe will result in receiving what you need from the other person. This is the Nice Guy covert contract. "If I provide for you and help with the housework and support your activities and do whatever else it is you say you want, you will in turn provide me with what I want...sexual desire (or whatever else)." Now you're not *you*, you're the person you think will earn the love and desire you want. That's a recipe for disaster.

I would phrase it the problem with other-validation is when it is a substitution for self-validation. This then leaves you dependent on the other person in order to feel good or to feel "happy."

This can then create lots of further problems for you and your relationships. 1) You can be susceptible to manipulation if someone is aware of your dependence on other-validation. (In the book "the art of seduction" the author upfront says to AVOID grounded confident individuals. Why do you think he says that? Because that self validation leaves them more immune to manipulative other -validation) 2) Even if you are in a relationship with a "good" person, they may not be able to ALWAYS validate you and when they don't you will feel "badly." a) Then you will blame them and be angry which won't help. b) you will blame yourself and begin the Nice Guy covert contracts and possibly be Passive aggressive. 3) And I am sure there are other ways.


Interdependence

I really liked Cobra's point about interdependence. I guess I thought that was what I have been trying to explain but probably didn't do a good job of it. The difference I have from Cobra is that I don't see a path to interdependence THROUGH enmeshment. Instead I see the path to interdependence THROUGH differentiation. So you would move from enmeshment to differentiation and then you would be free to be interdependent with a partner.



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus