OK, let's see. Regaining control over my feelings will mean I will not feel so emotionally ambiguous. Though I've been much more emotionally calm lately than when all this started, it still seems I'm always a bit off-kilter emotionally. I would say manic, but it's really not that extreme, just a bit...off. Obviously I'm still enmeshed a bit. It's as though I have a continuous background buzz of low-level melancholy on which all of my other emotions are superimposed. My low moments aren't as gloomy as they were in the past, more of a bittersweet nostalgia for what has been lost. My high moments, on the other hand, are less than they could be as a result of the background melancholy.
Regaining control will remove my wife's influence as a soundboard on which all my other emotions are played.
You know, Corri, the question or direction you gave regarding being aware of your feelings is in large part responsible for my ability to even begin to answer this. I really wasn't aware of how I was feeling these, I just kind of, well, felt. Now I am aware of this melancholy in my chest, just beneath my sternum. It is amplified by any gloomier moods, and remains the same during my happy moments, which I seem to feel higher, in my head and upper chest.
I am absolutely happiest when I am able to completely surrender to my muse while playing the acoustic guitar. I was trying to find a way to express that without sounding so, well, prissy or artsy but that wording seems to be the best. I am usually able to feel this way while in a setting much like Cobra was describing. While I'm camping by myself in a nearly empty campground, late at night by a fire. In the winter, I'll stay up and tend the fireplace after everyone has gone to bed, draw a cool glass of wine, break out the guitar and just burn it down. On a beach, yep. On the Blue Ridge parkway at a secluded overlook, absolutely. That feeling of complete abandon will not always come over me, but when it does, it feels like your soul spilling out onto the strings.
I wonder if I could bring myself to completely surrender to my life?
LM Still working on lesson 2
Last edited by LoveMatters; 08/20/0707:48 PM.
LM
Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!
