Corri The thing that pops out at me... just leaps out at me... is how you allow BB to control your happiness, your purpose and your decisions. For a moment there, when you were talking about airstreams... you sounded a bit like CeMar... OK, I see some similarities, I can’t do “A” because my values “B,” interferes or conflicts with something and that make it feel uncomfortable.
Where I see you falling flat on your face is not in knowing what would make you happy, what you would do, or how you would get there... but that you don't deserve it, somehow. Not knowing what I want I want is a problem because I do consider what BB wants and it often causes conflicts, doubles the cost, or doubles the effort, and becomes not worth doing. We have several things that have been dropped because of our different goals.
All the things you say you'd like to do.... I was going to suggest to you in one form or another... but it would fail, because you won't DO them. Meaning... you are going to have to practice disappointing BB and allowing her to take care of herself.
You have debilitated her, in a way, by always coming in to rescue her. In essence, you are dealing with a spoiled, petulant child, and you have contributed quite a great deal to her state. I often feel like BB is a rebellious teenager. She sees me as a “stubborn old man,” and has said so many times.
I'm serious. One of the reasons she doesn't GO ANYWHERE or DO ANYTHING is because she knows she controls this part of you and your R. At least on some level. If she goes with you, or does anything with you... it upsets the balance of the R, and she loses her power. I started out not doing many of the things I wanted to do because in the past I got some resistance. Then I had the back surgery and it wasn’t much fun riding in the car. After that we didn’t have much money. BB tried to recover from her childhood disappointments of only having one pet. She built up her zoo to 13 animals. She worked in a facility that had a co-dependency treatment program. There was a lot of women’s issues in the news. I became a sensitive guy, that fed in to her entitlement issues.
Three plus years ago I said I didn’t want to live like this any more (especially the shopping addiction) and Since then, in BB’s eyes, I am a controlling grumpy old man.
Back to she loses her power. I see that. I also see BB thinks she is entitled to do as she sees fit and some of what she sees as fit requires some input from me, and because H’s need to support the W. She feels she supports me.
I'm sure you even help her do this by saying things like... "Would you like to go do x with me? You don't have to if you don't want to." And YOU do this, because in actuality, YOU are the one who is controlling the R. I see the control Corri and say you are right. I can’t control BB but I can control how much I am willing to push her to do something. I don’t jump through as many of her hoops.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most, how stressful was it for you visiting your sister? Because of the stress you felt, how likely is it you will repeat the trip? It wasn’t that stressful (4)when I went in 1/06. The likely hood I will repeat the trip soon (6 m) is a ten, but I need to do my part first by trashing more of my inventory.
You want BB to change so you don't have to feel bad, stressed, lonely, etc. I want compatibility but it isn’t likely to happen.
You use your energy trying to change her to get the life you want. The minute you stop doing this, she grabs for you, because it is a life she is used to as well. Similar to a FOO game of tag. A faster runner would run just a little faster than I could. I rarely caught him. When I quit chasing, gave up on the game, he chased me to keep playing.
And because you are giving up all these other things you would like to do (and you've got quite a list there), you work. It's the one thing you can do, that gives you some sort of pleasure on some level, that even SHE can't ruin. Though it does get you out of the house and serves her purpose in some way. I see now I worked to much. I felt I had to for so many wears. It is difficult to change my thinking in this area. When someone tells where they went, I start to think XX for motels, XX for gas, XX for food, balanced by how much fun the trip must have been for the person. If the cost/benefit ratio is more cost then benefit, I cringe a little even though I didn’t have to spend a cent.
I do something similar with BB, what will it cost and how much will I have to push BB to do some things I like to do. If the cost/benefit ratio is poor in my opinion, I drop the issue.
So. What all this boils down to is... how bad do you want to take charge of your own life, and let your purposes and passions define you, instead of a lifetime of habit? You are so convinced that IF you change you are going to hurt BB or end your marriage, you stop yourself before you begin. I didn’t want to end the M. I felt a D was very destructive to both of us and others in the family. I felt changes would be better. I thought I could make most of the changes happen. I thought BB should see and appreciate me for wanting and working on some of the changes (NMMNG unwritten contract).
IF you change you are going to hurt BB or end your marriage, you stop yourself before you begin. I hate to tell you... there is no possible way you could know this. You just think you do, based on early warning signs you have NEVER moved beyond. Yes, I think I am doing to do unnecessary hurt to BB.
Kettricken Lou, I agree with Corri when she said ….. you are going to have to practice disappointing BB and allowing her to take care of herself. You have debilitated her, in a way, by always coming in to rescue her. In essence, you are dealing with a spoiled, petulant child, and you have contributed quite a great deal to her state. So the “Leave it to Beaver” model of a family is not the way to go?
I do respect what you have been writing so will give your opinion credit.
