Get me on a smoother ride........Need Advice

[SueS]

Hi Everyone- Sorry for the long post......I'm not a newcomer to the site and unfortunately, here I am again. I saw my M starting down an all too familiar path, so I jumped on here again. I won't get into all the details of my previous visits, because I really want advice & support with this sit. I'm 39 & my H just turned 40. We have a 3 1/2 year old D. We've been on some bumpy roads the past 3 1/2 years (bankruptcy, me having issues with my new "mom's body", a long distance move....etc.). When our D was born, my H had a hard time with how to handle a newborn. He kind of went off and did his thing, which left me to be with our D ALL OF THE TIME. I love her, but we all know that after a while, that make a person feel alone & rejected. When my H would come home after being out, he'd want to have sex. I would reject him.....1) because I just didn't feel good about myself & 2) I was mad because I felt like the only time he wanted me was when he'd been drinking.

After we made our move, he had a hard time finding work. I had/have a great job & I think that made him feel really insecure. Plus, I was still having issues with how I felt about myself. We didn't get to spend too much time alone, so that didn't help. He had threatened to leave a few times over the past few years, but never did.

In Jan., we moved into a new place and things started to improve. We spent more time together (got a babysitter). My H just started a new position within his company in June & our sex life was a lot more active than it had been...etc. Life was GREAT!! Or so I thought.

In late June, early July, I started to suspect something was going on. I didn't know with who, but when you've been with someone for 17 years, you just know. I couldn't find anything that would show an A. Nothing. I started to relax. Then I took a look at our phone bill. I kept seeing the same number come up and at odd times of the day. I got the chance to check H's phone itself and realized that it was the number of a former co-worker. A co-worker who is married with 4 kids. A co-worker that we'd spent time with....and her husband....and their kids. The first time my H asked me if I wanted to go out with them, I thought it was great. Finally!...a couple our age with kids. Someone I can relate to. I think my H knows I know something is up, but not who OW is. He hasn't asked me or forced us to spend any large amount of time with them.

Here's the thing. My H has been "normal" to me in all aspects other than the affection he used to give. Limited hugs & he kind of hugs his side of the bed when we sleep. I don't get the Love Ya's from him either, just limited if I say it first. He still communicates with me, our sex life has been more active than ever and we still talk about a lot of future things. In fact, we just went to see a mortgage person last week. We just talked to some friends on Saturday about coming out to CA for a visit. I asked him if he still loves me and he said Yes.

Our weekend was great until Sunday. Friday night, he told me that OW's husband (who I don't think has a clue either) had called to see if we wanted to go to dinner. He had told them we'd do it another time. H had to work Sat. morning & called me on his way home (he was running late) to tell me he was stuck in traffic (legitimate). All weekend, H would tell me where he was going (running to the store...etc.), he would ask our D what mommy was doing if I wasn't in the same room. Sex on Friday night & very early Sun. morning. I saw an incoming & and outgoing call on H's phone from OW on Sat. night (when I was asleep), but absolutely no contact yesterday. Sunday morning he woke up in a bad mood. My first hope was "Hey, maybe he's crabby because OW called it quits". I'm sure I'm not that lucky, but hey, there's always that hope. My D was whining like crazy too. I finally just grabbed my shoes & jacket & out the door I went. Boy did that throw him for a loop. I just told him that I wanted to get out for a walk, although it was obvious I'd been crying. Later I took our D to the store. I gave him a kiss & a smile before leaving, which he recipricated. But, when we got back...in a little bit of a bad mood again. I'm not sure if his bad mood yesterday was because of no contact with OW or because of.......rainy, gloomy weather & our tv was out. He's a big sports fan & he wanted to watch some games. He kind of lightened up last night around dinner time and was a little more open with communications.

My thing is this.....I'm trying like crazy to be that upbeat, positive person. I started walking/jogging & have lost weight. We talk & email at work, but I just don't know what to do to get that closeness back again. I know I can't push him and I'm hoping the A will die....soon. I don't know if it's a PA because there are very, very limited times for them to see each other....with their work schedules and OH YEAH....their marriages & kids.

How do I work on getting him to be close to me again? I just want that snuggling in bed.....a kiss good-bye....a hug when he gets home. Every time I think it's getting better, it seems to go the other direction. I need help. I want my M to work more than anything. I still love him. He still makes me weak when he touches me. I still love hearing his deep voice on the phone. Help me!