Thanks for the perspective. I do agree that a large part of what I am going through is a soul-searching journey, and that this is something everyone does at all stages of their lives.
The adolescence thing has to do with the fact that I was not allowed to date or even have many friends until I left home. I lived in a small German village with about 200 people in it, about 3 of which spoke good English. The only time I hung out with "friends" was at school, and even then I had to stay focused on school because anything less than straight A's was met with a beating. That changed a little as I got into high school, primarily because the beating required became so severe that I think my father was afraid of it getting reported. But still I had NO experience with women growing up, except my mother. But as I stated before she rarely showed love directly to us. Then when I got to college, I was at a top 25 university that (at the time) had the highest average parent's salary in the nation. So I was thrust into an environment with people who had $100,000+ debutante parties and drove BMW's. Needless to say it wasn't until my junior year in college that I started to even approach women, and then I failed miserably until I met my W.
So I didn't get a chance to make all of those mistakes that we all make with R's growing up. And I made a lot of mistakes with my M that I wasn't even aware of (consciously) until 2 years ago. Now I am going through all the phases of "growing up" that I didn't do before. That is all that I mean by the phrase "going through adolescence." I'm not beating myself up, just putting a name to the struggles I am having so that I can more effectively work on a solution.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Sheesh Chrome. I really admire that you made it through such a difficult childhood and young adulthood. Have you ever read Tuesdays with Morrie? Morrie didn't have the best of childhoods either (minus the beatings) with little love from his stepmother but what I admired and was amazed about was his capacity to love anyway. he was a great father, husband and friend despite his upbringing.
For someone like me that had such great and loving parents I get so angry and sad when I think about people who never had that love and stability in their lives. I know that no one's life is perfect and no parents are perfect but still shouldn't every child have LOVE???
Anyway your devotion to your kids and toward your wife are truly something to be admired.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Don't get me wrong, what she does feels quite good and I am able to maintain an erection for quite a long time. It just seems I am not able to "get over the hump" (no pun intended).
If you didn't get over the hump but just enjoyed the quite good feelings for quite a long time who would be more upset, you or her?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I know that no one's life is perfect and no parents are perfect but still shouldn't every child have LOVE???
Yes. Which is why I tell my kids I love them every day, and why I am very affectionate with them. My kids may grow up with issues, but they will NOT grow up without a feeling that they are loved, and they will NOT be without what help I can give them to figure out how to cope with R's. Sometimes my W thinks I go too far because of my childhood, but IMHO I would rather have my kids think I'm a bit on the sappy side than think I'm distant. And I'm not worried about not giving my son a good masculine role model, I have the traits necessary for that.
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Anyway your devotion to your kids and toward your wife are truly something to be admired.
OK, I'll hold off on the self-depricating comments about my behavior over the last couple of years and look forward.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
If you didn't get over the hump but just enjoyed the quite good feelings for quite a long time who would be more upset, you or her?
Interesting question, and I think the answer is not easy. I would be mildly upset because of the "blue balls" I would feel, but it would not detract from the enjoyment of the experience. For example, last night I got some MAJOR love bank deposits when I did NOTHING to initiate and she went a little crazy on me. I did have the thought that I HAD to O because of the effort she was putting into it. So when it became obvious to me that after about 20 minutes of her working on me, and I could sense a little flagging in her physical efforts (perhaps I misinterpreted or it was projection or expectation from the past?), I allowed myself to slip into the fantasy and got over the hump fairly quickly. Anyway, just the fact that she initiated and took charge of pleasuring me was FANTASTIC. The O was actually a bit of a let down because it signaled the end. Well, I moved quickly to pleasuring her, which is always very satisfying. She even asked me for a specific thing which she hardly ever does and that was mentally satisfying as well.
As far as her frame of mind if I didn't O, I can't be sure. It has only happened a few times in our M, always due to some external factor (for example I haven't been able to O with a condom on because they don't make them big enough [and that is NOT bragging btw]) so it might be a bit shocking to her, and she might personalize. I wonder if part of my reaction is a fear of her personalizing, and that fear could be distracting me from fullying enjoying, and maybe even be the cause of my iniability to O.
OK, I think I'm rambling now. Does that answer your question?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
The O was actually a bit of a let down because it signaled the end.
So you were enjoying it immensely and wanted to extend the session as long as possible. Do you think if you'd been willing to finish earlier, maybe even *much* earlier, that you could have done it without the fantasy?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
So you were enjoying it immensely and wanted to extend the session as long as possible. Do you think if you'd been willing to finish earlier, maybe even *much* earlier, that you could have done it without the fantasy?
I'm not sure I understand your question. I was enjoying it immensely, but was unable to take it to O without allowing the fantasy into my head. I wonder now if I had just let it go on that I wouldn't have O'd anyway, but I did (at least think) see some signs of physical exhaustion creeping into to my W's efforts. Again, it was late at night, we have 3 young kids at home, my W is still doing the stay on the computer for hours at night thing. She is exhausted.
I guess my main question is, should I just let the fantasy go, enjoy the sensations, and if I don't O, don't worry about it?
One other thing that has come to my attention is that the medicine I am taking for my heart might be a problem. I am taking Betapace, Diltiazem, and Coumadin. Does anyone know of problems related to those?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hmmm... I think if I was working on a guy for 20 minutes with the objective to bring him to orgasm and it wasn't happening I might try a little COMMUNICATION. Actually, I'm pretty lazy so after about 10 minutes I would probably be like "I'm going to take a break. Why don't you just show me how you do it and I'll watch." Of course, I'm also greedy so I might just take a break and signal "Me again."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
