Trying to set those goals!

[Dom R]

Dom, can I ask what you mean about going dark being serious, not done lightly? guess I'm just asking for specifics.

Well, there's going "dim/grey", which ammounts to basically just not pursuing. Letting them decide when/if they want to initiate contact. From what I read, this is good on two counts:
1. it stops you from looking needy
2. it gives you a breather, and encourages you to "get a life", instead of chasing after them all the time.



And then there's true "going dark".
This is also known as plan b, from "that other site".
This is "No contact". No calling him. No taking his calls, or anything, unless it's absolutely "required" communication about kids or legal issues. In the full case, you get an "intermediary" to take his calls, and he doesnt get to talk to you directly at all. Now that's Dark. Pitch black, as they say.

If you go down this road "by the book", it is because you cannot stand being hurt by your spouse any more, and you refuse to subject yourself to that any more. It is, in essence, a boundary: "Treat me with respect and consideration; otherwise I do not wish to be around you or speak with you any more".

If you recognize it as enforcing a protective boundary around yourself... then you should recognize that unless you enforce boundaries consistently and thoroughly... your boundaries will not be respected. If you agree with that, then you would need to STAY dark, until such time as they treat you better.
This may take A Very Long Time. If ever.

The MB book (NOT DB book) advocates going dark, as a last resort, when you cant do PMI any more. It says once there, you should stick in it until the spouse agrees to fully recommit to the marriage, as well as treating you better. (and you write a letter to your spouse stating your intentions, so that they are clear on where things are and why). This may take a week, a month, 6 months, 2 years, or "never".

What is your goal, or boundary rule, for going dark? You might have a much lesser one. but make sure that you know what it is before you start. And then make sure that you are willing to stick to it all the way through, rather than decide a week later, "oh i'm sorry i changed my mind: can we still talk?"


Attempting to have boundaries half-way, is worse than no boundaries at all, in some respects. Because it undermines your position if you ever decide to truely enforce them. it will take much, much longer for your spouse to figure out, "Hmm... maybe she really means it this time".



Also, it's tempting to "go dark" in retaliation. This is always a bad idea. Retaliation, is a bad idea, no matter what way you look at it:

If you wish to reconcile, then patterns of retaliation, usually make things worse.
If you wish to "cut them loose"... then it makes no sense to get MORE involved with them, in a retaliation mindset. Just let them go, and forget about them as much as is possible.

The MB book, describes the purpose as "to protect remaining positive feelings that you have for your spouse", rather than to have them eroded by their negative treatment of you, and also to avoid you getting angry at them by whatever affair/activities they may be continuing to do. You dont talk to them. you dont even check up on them, directly or indirectly. The "dark" goes both ways, you might say.

As you can see, this is pretty serious stuff. So you should wait a few days before deciding to go down that road, rather than it just being a spur of the moment kind of thing.