WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing -3

[waw1978]

confuzd

I can't get onto the loveshack forum here at work. but will try to read your sitch if I get on at a pals house (do not have pc at home right now).

First off it prob took your wife a very long time to get where she is. since I can't read your post I don't know the details. There are great people on this board that can help you. You may want to repost your sitch here as well. The other LBS's can offer you lots of support and the WAS's here can pull back the curtain for you and let you see what your W may be feeling and going through. Also pick up Michelle's books if you haven't they are very helpful for LBS...a road map of sorts to help you get your M back on track.

A person can def love their spouse and still have an affair. Doesn't mean they love the OP. Maybe they do or think they do. But her A has little to do with you putting your M back together. Yes it can make things more difficult but certainly not impossible. Read some of the sitch's on here where the person having the A figured out it was just a passing fancy, something to dull the pain of the hurts from the M. Then decided they made a mistake and are trying to work things out now.


Again, I don't know your whole sitch. I left my H because I had been so unhappy for years and begged to MC time after time and he kept refusing. I decided if he didn't want to work on the M then it was over. He refused to acknowledge my feelings. He did not care that I was unhappy. No matter how I tried to tell him, he brushes off my feelings of unhappiness. This makes a person doubt themselves. I thought I was losing my mind. My H kept telling me there wasn't a problem when I was suffering deeply. Thats what drove me away. I was on the verge of a breakdown. I had to leave the situation for my sanity. I always wanted to work on my M. My leaving was the only thing that made my H want to work on it too. If I had stayed I would still be in great pain and he would still be in denial. This was the boot in the rear that H needed to see that my pain was real. he is still working on his behaviors as am I. It took 2 of us to ruin our marriage and it will take 2 to put it back together.

Every day I question myself. Is this what's best for my daughter? Will we ever be able to get back on track? How can I get over all the hurts? Will I ever stop letting him bully me? Will he ever see how his behavior has hurt me? Some people might think that its easy for the WAS but I can assure you its just as painful for us as it is for you. No one starts out in an M expecting things to deteriorate.

[stewart10]

WAW:

Just stopping by to check up. Anything good to report about the weekend?

Stew

[waw1978]

Journaling:

Weekend was decent. Spent a nice quiet night with D4 on Friday and took her to a small BBQ at my cousins on Sunday.

Saturday was the MC sesh. Same issues different day. Talked about H's inability to let me be my own person. Dealt with his control issues. Apparently these stem from him having an overbearing Mother who controlled everyone and everything in his house growing up. Sadly she still controls him now. So that may be why he feels the need to control me. We are taking a month off from MC and see where things lead. We have went on 1 date in the past month and even that was a power struggle of sorts. MC wants to see H alone to work on his issues since he will not be able to be any progress with me until he does.

Also still dealing with not going to Cali/Las Vegas as planned. Feel like I will never get the opportunity again. My only vacation this year and I will be spending it moving pulling my very empty duplex together...This will be the second time in 3 years that I spent my only vacation moving.

My funk from last week has been lingering. Lots of tears this weekend. High emotions. I have a lot of guilt about being the one who is unhappy. I wish I could just wipe away my hurts and anger and discover the love I once had for my H again. But so far it hasn't happened. I often wonder if I will ever be "in love" with him again...some days I wonder why I would even want to after the hell I have been through.

[Gone Dancin']

((((waw)))))

Everytime I read about how much you're hurting, I hurt right along with you. I'm so sorry you are struggling so much right now.

I have a lot of guilt about being the one who is unhappy.

I can understand this, but try not to. You have a right to feel the way you do. They are your feelings, and your H has done much to hurt you. Your feelings are valid -- don't forget that. H sounds like he is getting a little better (?), but it also sounds like he is still hoping for a quick fix. He's just not there yet in terms of really empathizing with what you're going through emotionally. I think he will, in time. I believe the IC session(s) he will do with your MC will help with this, because you won't be in the room and things will get more in the open for him as a result (IMO).

Try not to dwell on the trip too much. You know it would likely be counterproductive, or stale at best right now, so think of it like this is the better thing for you right now. How long will he be gone? Will you have your D during that time? Do things for you and your D (if you have her). Even though you'll be doing a lot of moving and arranging with your new place, do your best to make time for yourself. This time away from H will be good for both of you (and he may even get a reality check while he's gone -- maybe even a kick in the arse from his family?).

I often wonder if I will ever be "in love" with him again...some days I wonder why I would even want to after the hell I have been through.

My answer to this is: You're still here aren't you? If he comes around and you guys work out your issues in open, honest, and healthy ways, don't you think this is possible?

Stay strong. You've done so well, waw -- don't give up yet!

GD

[dlt1]

Hi WAW,
When I read some of your posts, I feel like I'm looking into my W's mind. The only diff is she does not care that I'm now working on our M. She does not wonder if she'll be in love with me, she has decided it is gone, and questions how strongly it was there.
I hope your H can confront his controlling. I realized how much I controlled, never even thought of myself that way.
You shouldn;t feel guilty about being unhappy. be proud that you recognize your needs. My W feels like she tried for 6 months to get thorugh to me and get me to work on the M. I feel like she would say something here or there, but never pushed. We're both right. I hope your H will be willing to recognize your needs and change to meet them.
Will keep checking on you

[waw1978]

Journaling:

Well its getting to be fall her in Boston. Crisp air and I swear I can see some of the leaves turning ever so slightly in color...Autumn is NE is a glorious time. Well...as I am unpacking and pulling out my fall winter clothes it occurs to me that my newer happier fuller figured self does not fit into the previous wardrobe! Argh...not the best time to be packing on the pounds.

Sadly enough I have to end my torrid love affair with the Cheesecake Factory and Ben & Jerrys. I have to say I need to go to dessert rehab or something. Just can't stop! Yes this is all meant in good fun. Some women turn to OM I turn to Chubby Hubby, New York Super Chunk...Rocky Road mmm mmm mmm. On pint turned to two and two into five now I am consuming one almost every day.

So for all of you who are working out and getting in shape, I am re-joining the ranks with y'all. Also part of my new GAL plan is to take some dancing lessons. I hear a lot of you talking on here and think I would like to try it. Any suggestions?

Thought I would make a lighter happy post today since my others have been a bit blue lately.

[waw1978]

Journaling:

Really no change in my situation. H & I are taking a break from MC for a month. See what happens and if anything changes. Also H will be gone for 10 days so I get to have my DD & the dog all to myself for that time. Should brighten my spirits. Still feeling pretty defeated like the light bulb might never go on for him.

He is still being passive agressive. He is angry with me for moving out. My in-laws have also become downright nasty. But whatever. They don't know what my life was like and I am trying not to care what other people think. If i had a dollar for everytime I heard how great of a guy my H was I would be loaded. So many people, family and friends, just don't understand that its not about him being a "good guy". He is a good guy! He is a great father, a hard work and generally likeable guy when it comes to others. But with me I am his whipping post. Verbally and emotionally abusive not to mention that we have not had a physical relationship in years...this is what people don't see and I don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone.

On a better note, I have my duplex almost complete. Still waiting on some deliveries and what not but prety much all set.

Hope everyone is still hanging in there!

[Heimlich]

He is still being passive agressive. He is angry with me for moving out. My in-laws have also become downright nasty. But whatever.

LOL, sounds like you've got the 'water off a duck's back' attitude from Jen Jam's tips down.

I know you questioned earlier if you're doing the right thing for your D. Look at it this way, OK, your H is a great guy and a good father. However, he is controlling toward you and I think you used the term whipping post. Is that something that you want your D to see as normal in a loving R with someone she falls in love with in the future?

Either the light comes on for your H and he becomes a great, likable guy with you (and touches you -- at least every other week), or you become happy and find someone else who's a great guy, loves your kid, and touches you -- at least every other week (like clockwork )

For your HUGE sweettooth, may I recommend making yourself smoothies for breakfast? Healthy, sweet, and tasty if you make them right.

I think I may venture to IKEA in a few weeks. I've always liked their bookshelves.

BD

[waw1978]

Great idea about the smoothies.

My Mom and I actually had a conversation this weekend about how I was still pretty young and could probably find someone else and basically start over if things don't pan out. It was weird cause finding someone else is the furthest thing from my mind.

[flipside]

waw1978,

I've read most of your posts. I'm new to the site, and our sitchs seem to have a lot in common. Do you ever wonder if your age difference had anything to do with your H and his controlling attitude over you?