When you are in the midst of it (H or W having an affair, either in D or not) there are triggers everywhere, and most people are on a wild roller coaster ride full of INTENSE ups and downs. Through time, and a lot of self-focus (i.e. GAL, PMA, etc...) one can sort of get the hang of those ups and downs. Even though they are still super painful and hard... it becomes more routine. You numb a little to some of those stab wounds....
Then, when things move to either reconciliation or divorce, you go in different directions to try and heal and grow. The typical timeline for healing with divorce is, now I think this is what I read... something like two years(?). That's post divorce. Everything is gradual and my guess is there are things you never entirely heal from.
According to books on the topic, the timeline for healing from affairs after reconciliation is one to two years. But I do think it can differ depending on the person involved. I'd say with my husband's first affair (I call it the "post-baby affair") It was two years to get over intense anger and disappointment... then maybe 5 - 7 years before I felt confident in the marriage again. This second affair and divorce filing (this one is the "MLC exit affair"), well... in some ways it was easier and other ways harder. I detached more which helped with the anger, disappointment, understanding, not blaming, etc... but I think my confidence in the marriage (because we did almost get divorced), may take longer this time....
So I do think there are different factors in healing that can be individual to each sitch. I also think we don't ever entirely lose those glasses, but WE change in how we see through them.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
