In not paying attention to her needs, in focusing on me and my pain at the time, I was, in some senses, a WAS inside of our M.
bar, this is also what I think grasshopper was saying. Part of his point was that people get all worked up about an A, as if breaking that one vow were worse than breaking all the others both made: to cherish, sickness/health, etc. The LBS spouse needs to recognize their own part and not use that trump card of "at least I didn't do *that.*"
I know for my part that I was too oblivious, selfish, and lazy to work hard on issues I knew our M had/has, in a sense abandoning my DH. Is actual abandonment any worse than emotional abandonment? At the least, I don't want to underestimate the unhappiness my DH has felt, even if he's just discovering it himself in comparison with his R with the OW.
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
And, Puddle, I keep looking over your thread trying to offer somewhat less addled advice, but I just can't seem to decipher what your H is after, other than a free pass to go his on way without any guilt.
I think he'd laugh if I said that to him. And I think that's essentially where he is, though he'd probably say he'd like me to understand so that I can move on (and let him go) without hard feelings, having true understanding for him and acceptance of the situation. He recognizes that the understanding part may be mostly about his needs.
And Heimlich, addled or not, your thoughts are much appreciated. All my figuring out what DH really wants right now is reading between the lines, since he's far beyond even thinking about what might have been missing in our R. I know a talk like that is coming---I think some will be in this email I'm looking forward to/scared stiff to get. He's not even thinking in those terms. For him, our R is what it is, it's just not what he wants anymore.
I actually fell asleep last night more at peace than I have been since this began, mostly due to reading grasshopper's posts, I think. Then DH was wandering around in the middle of the night and I woke up, but it was still okay. He, on the other hand, can't get himself out of bed. It's nice to think he's not as settled as he seems, though maybe it's just the stress of my inability to understand him. And even that may be good.
Hey bar! About telling him I was hiking alone: He asked if it was a guided hike and I just casually said no. Then as I was getting ready to go I decided that since I'm not an experienced hiker and he didn't know where I was going, it was prudent safety wise to tell him. I guess I could've just told him where I was going and to send in the cavalry if I didn't come back by afternoon. He seemed really concerned and asked, "Is it dangerous? Are you going off trail?" So anyway, it was a safety thing. Maybe next time I can just leave a note somewhere telling him where I'm hiking, and a note in my car for the ranger.
Oh bar, get thee to the pub! Does everyone know everyone where you are? What if you went to the next village (not the OW one)? Maybe you'll start a new trend and end up being a feminist icon---new passion?
I bet your H's OW is really hurt and bitter about what's been done to her in the past. I had a reaction like that once (of course I was a teenager, and I'd like to think I wouldn't do that now). It's hard either way, you know? Say H is involved with a wonderful, centered woman (hard to imagine, I know)---you just sit around comparing yourself and seeing your faults. Or he's involved with a hurting/angry/unstable person, and it's hard to believe compared to you they'd choose that. I'm trying very, very hard only to think about it in terms of what it tells me about what DH wants. I know I'll get better at that.
Take care, everyone. Thanks so much for your words.
