Sex and Validation

[Burgbud]

(tripod) How do you figure that desire is the goal *ONLY* if you need validation.

If you don't need validation, why do you care about desire? If you need to feel like "wow, this person wants me *bad*" it's because you need your sexual desirability validated.

Let's just put on the breaks here.

Let's just not.

You mean to tell me that if we want to be desired by our partners.....that its ONLY because we want validation????

Yes. Why else would you want it?

That means that we would HAVE to live alone and unwanted for the rest of our lives to prove to you that we were somehow mentally stable.

That's a leap in logic I don't follow. I might say you have to be *willing* to live alone and unwanted for the rest of your life if you're emotionally healthy. The number of people who are unwanted by -anybody-, though, seems incredibly small to me.

Sorry dude, not buying it......

No problem. I'm not selling it, I'm giving it away.


(Kettricken) There are technique things (like how roughly you grab nipples or other sensitive parts, and I'm sure you can all think of others) that perhaps shouldn't be self-validating. A certain sensitivity to your partner's preferences and the attitude that you can always make a good thing even better ... that's not seeking validation, that's seeking your partner's pleasure (and not being an insufferable a-hole).

The second sentence answers the first. Technique issues and sensitivity to your partner aren't issues of validation.

However, if we're talking about the confidence that you are innately a desirable person and eminently f*ckable regardless of what your current partner thinks or how much they want you, that's another story.

That's exactly what we're talking about.

Even so, I think "Desire is the goal only if you need validation" veers into cloud-cuckoo-land.

Opinions vary. Personally, I'm looking for a woman who f*cks me silly. Whether she desires me or not is her business.

No matter how great you feel about yourself, the honest desire of another human is the greatest aphrodisiac I can think of, offhand.

Yet I am de facto single, I know women who desire me, but I'm not interested in sex with them. Am I immune to the greatest aphrodisiac you can think of?

The problem arises when your craving for the other's desire is primarily to shore up your own ego. Or a necessity for the maintenance of your own self-image.

Agreed.


(Cemar) You mean their are people that DON"T crave this.

That is my belief. I hope I'm one of them. I don't know that I manage it every day but I'm getting better.

That would be pretty strange behavior.

Disagree. It's much better than the alternative.

How could a woman possibly be fully into her sexuality WITHOUT desiring sex?

That's up to her; what's it to me? I would imagine that if she's into her sexuality then she does desire sex, but that doesn't necessarily mean she desires *me*. One might argue that if she's fully into her sexuality and is having open, connected sex with me then that mean she desires me but again, that's her business. I don't need to know what's in her head. I'm just there in the moment with her.

What is out there that TOPS passionate sex with a desirous woman.

Well, this isn't an example from my life, but I've had people tell me that doing crack TOPS passionate sex with a desirous woman. In fact, these people easily gave up passionate sex because doing crack felt better to them.

As for examples from my life, I'm not going to go thru them because they mean something to *me* and not necessarily to anybody else. I'll tell you that many are accomplishment related. I'd also say that if a genie appeared and told me I could have amazing passionate sex every day for the rest of my life in exchange for all (or even many) of the other things that make me happy, I wouldn't do it. I want passionate monkey sex to be a by-product of my incredible life, not the purpose of it.

How do you get your body to replicate ALL the sensations of passion?

I find I can get by just fine without replicating all the sensations of passion, despite the fact I enjoy them so much.

Feeling good about who I am and what I do and how my life unfolds TOPS passionate sex with a desirous woman. Passionate sex with a desirous woman does NOT replicate all the sensations of possessing myself. I used to chase hot monkey sex with a desirous woman as the end-all-be-all of what made me feel good, Cemar, just like you. Just ask my STBX.

This is better.