Need some help again

[LoginName]

Hi JBF, good, for me, to see you back, although I wish your life was so great you'd never need to come back - except maybe to help others or say hi.

Some thoughts...

I know I will be ok and am less sure of my love for her than I was a few months ago.

I'm struggling with that too. I started a thread to ask others what they thought love is. I just realized this week that I will always love my W, but it may feel a lot different than it did, or than I'd have wished it to. I worry, and others do to, that if they do "come back to us", we may not really want them back at that point. Tricky.

she got quite tearful

I feel I need to caution you on this. Don't assume you know why she is crying, or what she is feeling. Don't assume negatively or positively. Maybe someday you can ask her why she is or was crying. Maybe you won't want to know the answer. Don't assume she is crying because she is sad about the end or the M/R or for what she has done. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't assume.

we did seem to have more of a connection than we have for some time

Maybe she is getting closer to where you and she can start rebuilding. What am I saying... every time you have anything to do with her, you are rebuilding your relationship. But it does sound like a positive sign. Don't get your hopes up. Don't project. Don't think the battles one. Don't even think it's a battle. It's a possibility.

We both apologised a lot.

I bet it meant something to her to hear you apologize too.

I said to her that if she was no longer seeing OM then we could maybe talk about us being friends

Maybe this is controlling, but it's your boundaries. If it's what you need, then stick to it.

Love, and friendship. What does it mean to be friends with her? You already are, I think. You've said you'd be there for her, right? You share you daughter with her. You're not trying to hurt her. There must be different levels of friendship. I think you are saying you can't be a really close friend to her until the hurt is gone - and as long as she is seeing the OM, it's hard to get over that.

I think our Ws definately have a fear of being tied down or controlled. That is why she is saying she doesn't think you and she can be friends. You made a demand, she pulled away. If you back off again, not mentioning th OM (my feeling is that it is best never to mention the OM, no matter how much you want to ask or know. Every time you mention OM, it gives him power and relevance), not making demands (but also knowing inside that you can't be close friends with her for now, and knowing your boundaries), acting like a friend without talking about being friends, she will probably move back toward you.

That OM stuff, or OP, to be non gender specific, is tough. Last night I called my D to wish her goodnight and talk to her about her day. My D said that my W was on her cell phone to someone. For some reason, I assumed it was the OM. I tried to shake the feeling, but it was tough. It would sure be easier if my W would say and promise that the A was over (I think it is, and she has said things to that affect. I just want it clear). But then again, would I believe it? I think we have to deal with the OM and jealousy ourselves. They could help, ending the A would help, but in the end, we have to make peace with it inside of ourselves.

You're right,friends don't emotionally abuse each other. For me, dealing with this goes to the topic of unconditional love, and forgiveness. Of course, I think you can unconditionally love someone, and forgive them, but that won't make a M/R work necessarily. I think it makes the person who forgives better and healthier though. And that's what a lot of our journey is about, making ourselves stronger and healthier, regardless of the W, spouse, M/R.

Welcome back, if that is the right way to put it.