There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

oh god, now I am crying again. he finally responde to my e-mail. where did my husband go? what is wrong with him? and why can't I help him thru this???? here is his response. its breaking my heart. damn me for still caring about the man:

Please don't get rid of anything just yet as I am sure there are things I would like to keep.

I know that you don't hate me and I wish there was a way for me to convince you that I don't hate you even a little bit. I know that my actions suggest otherwise but I really don't. The only person I hate in this situation is myself. If you had any idea the level of self-hatred that I have right now you would be really scared for me. And it's not just about us. It's about the fact that I don't even enjoy being with my own kids anymore without being annoyed and unhappy. The fact that I am drinking too much. That I haven't been to the gym. That I don't even look at the paper anymore. I have no idea what has happened to me. You say you don't know me anymore, well that holds true for me as well. I feel like I have completely lost myself and don't know how to get me back. I'm sure you think that the answer is to just try to reconcile with you and everything will be okay but I don't know how to do that either. I can't imagine things ever being right between us considering your lack of trust and the things that have been said.

I know I am rambling but I am having a really bad day. I'm so scared, confused, sad, feeling like a failure and a bad person. I really just wish I could disappear and make it stop. I know that everyone hates me. Even my Mom though she won't admit it. I know I am [censored] up my kids and they are so good and loving. God, I hate myself so much, you have no idea.

interesting note, he keeps throwing it on me, even with this...its about my lack of trust. I have never not trusted him, as scary as that is to imagine. I have not accepted it when he hasn't ended things, but I know I could trust him again...if he would allow me to, and earn it back. the thing is, he's been so determined from day one that I won't trust him again, that he has never given me a chance to, or a chance for himself to show me he can be trusted again.

so do I respond, or just sit on this?

I'm so pathetic, I dont want him to hurt, i don't want him to hate himself. I want to throw my arms around him and make it better. but even with this he is telling me that isn't what he wants. and I can't do anything to help him.