WAW filing for D

[dlt1]

Hey look at me! Locked up my first one. Met with W for a bit. Started talking about dividing things. Went OK. Sh ehad a bad week mostly due to MIL, so did not want to deal with any of the D stuff. Parents are here, so will try to catch up on the dteails later.

Old Thread:
Thread #1

[Handful of Rain]

Hey dlt1, Thanks for the congrats on my career, my thread locked up too, plus had some computer problems, but I will post a new thread very soon, I'll let you know how to get to it. Take care.

[dlt1]

Finding my anger for W. Can't get my internet working on my comp now that I have it at my new home. I have 3 compd nect to each other and only this slow one will connect. UGH! She has really made my life difficult. May go "office space" on one of these machines soon!

[Handful of Rain]

LOL
Seriously, I know how you feel! Calm down, and take a deep breath, then if you want you can pick up a sledgehammer and....

Well, that will take care of the computer problems, LOL! ,
but when it comes to the troubles with the W, I think you might want to keep the computer in one piece. LOL, maybe instead get a dart board and put her picture on it, I've thought about doing that one, myself, just don't have a dart board, darts or picture of her, anymore. Take care.

[slowly]

Hi on your new thread

[dlt1]

Hi, not much time this a.m. Short version:
W calls Sat ant noon "Are we getting together today?"
"Yes, I need to get some thing"
"Ok"
When?
Don't know
me - "2:30, that way I can get what I need and be back by 4 or so"
When I get there I pet dogs then go pay bills. Come down and she asks about hoe we go about dividing thigs. I say, I don;t know, never done it before
We talk about some larger items.
I mention debating between a PODS or reg storage.
W - "It's not like I'm kicking you out (remember this folks) you can leave things here until you get settled."
me - "I'm going to be at F's for at least 6-8 mos, maybe longer."
W - "That's fine, you can leave things here, I don;t want you to have to pay for storage"
Me - "Well, I would be uncomfoprtable with leaving anythig here."
We cut to small talk, very good convo. I finish packing while she leaves to grocery.
As I am leaving, my F whose house I'm living at calls. We talk about the 3rd girl who is movig in, as well as his schedule when he is back in country 1st week~ish of Sept. Looks like no room at the Inn for dlt1. NO biggie, I still have a house and may just have to go back there for the week. Debated calling W yet. Decided I did not want to spring it on her last minute, so call to talk. Tell her it is a possibility I could have to come home for a bit. She's not sure she is Ok with that. Suggests a few friend's. on with 6 mo old, one w/ 2 cats (I'm allergic). I tell her I will look into options, just wanted to be upfront with her so it was not something I dropped on her last minute. She's still uncomfortable with it, and I quote..."You could get a hotel room if you had to." (Recall above statement of not kicking me out!)
Me- (There's no way in hell I will be getting a hotel room when I have a perfectly good house to be at. I've been incovenienced plenty and am not trapsing around town with a bag in tow."
I did regin it in and left it at "Look, this would be a last reort, I just wanted to give you the courtesy of being upfront so we can talk about it beforehand and figure how to handle it if neccessary."
My parents came in town, very nice to hang with them. Talked about M some, but a lot just about my future and moving on. Good time.
Had a cookout Sun, nice to have friends over. Tell them about W's hotel suggestion. Realized that soem F's going on Labor Day vacation with me are extending theirs all week, so I can stay there. Would help them with watching the dog too. So, it all works out. I left W a msg that evening letting her know we should be good.
It amazes me the wall she has put up to block any emotion towards me. She has a ways to go. Damn, I wish she'd just back up and take sometime. We can sit and talk for a long time like nothing ever happened. Then, she brings up Divorce and it's like this shield comes down over her. Hard for me to believe she does not love me at all. I can see it. She is controlling the end so that it is on her terms. She's afraid that this is where I was headed with her, this way she does not get hurt b/c she controls it. Comes back to her horse dying years ago I think. In the next few weeks I hope to talk to her about that. I really have no idea if there is a future for us, but I would like to get thorugh these things so that we can at least look at the R without clouded judgement. Oh well, I can hope in one hand and Sh*t in the other...LOL

[Handful of Rain]

Hi again dlt1, hope the computer problems are better, Just wanted to let you know that my new thread is the 2nd one in my sig, Stop over sometime, Take care.

[Handful of Rain]

Man, I know just how you feel, about one minute they say they are not kicking you out, and then the next it's like when are you leaving?

My W is/was the same way, as I was preparing to leave, tried to act like she cared if I had a place to stay, but all the while being as cold as the other side of the pillow. One minute telling me I'm a horrible person, and a terrible dad, the next crying her eyes out, when I tell her (in my stupid depressed state) that I would just give up all my rights to the kids) She also filed for the D, and thinks she can control me, but now with my new career, the tables will be turning very soon.

That is the mindset of the WAS, they want you out, but don't want to let you go, and they want to control every aspect of your life after you leave, for me it's been 6 months, since I moved and in that time, W, has tried to drive me crazy! DIDN'T WORK! I now realize, that SHE IS THE ONE WHO IS OUT OF HER MIND!, even though I am the one in C, it takes a sane person to know when they need help, something she still hasn't admitted. It takes a sane person to know what they really want, something she still has no clue about. Just remember this, IT'S NOT US! IT'S THEM!

WE ARE THE SMART ONES! We are the ones who are getting it together, WE RECOGIZED OUR PROBLEMS! and are trying to fix them, no matter if the M, fails or not. AT LEAST WE WON'T CONSCIOUSLY MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN! and THE TRUTH IS WE ARE THE ONES WHO ARE TRULY IN CONTROL!

Now, I can only speak for my sitch, but I can already see, that W, hasn't learned anything yet, she is still having the same R, that we had, just with a real bum (the OM) Oh, well, there is nothing I can do, until she sees that SHE NEEDS TO WAKE UP AND MAKE THE CHANGES FOR HERSELF!

Here's an interesting side note on that on Friday, as I was picking up my DD11, from her school, I was talking with a guy, who's been D'ed for 10 yrs, he told me that his ex-W has been M'ed, twice after the D, while he has been living with his current GF for the past 9 yrs. I can see my W, doing the same thing, not getting M'ed, but moving from one loser to the next.

THE TRUTH IS THEY ARE ON A NEVERENDING DESTRUCTIVE CYCLE, it will continue till they open their eyes, and realize THEY ARE KILLING THEIR R'S! Some will wake up, and some won't. All we can do is KEEP ON THE PATH OF MAKING US BETTER, and KEEP PRAYING FOR THEM to do the same. Take care.

[dlt1]

Hi again! My W is continuing C, which gives me hope that she is working on making changes within herself. But, she sees it as a process she needs to address before her NEXT R. I have found some real insights into things from her life I never really new or understood recently. Each time I realize just how far she has to go. I want to be there with her, I feel for her. She had big falling out with MIL early in the week. Much due to MIL speaking with my mom. MIL did not know much if sitch. She really made W feel bad, and W said she felt very alone all week.
I told her how bad I felt for her and that it was not fair for MIL to tear into her like that. I said, she just doesn't understand how you feel. I don't completely understand it either, but I respect that it is the way you feel. No one can tell you you are wrong. It took me a few days to begin accepting that you do not want to be M anymore. It hurts, but I can not change your mind. I know once you make up your mind, you don;t waver no matter what. I really hope MIL will back off of you. I can ask my mom to ask MIL to do that, if you would like. They want that they believe is best for us. I'm sure she will begin to realize that you feel it is best for us to end our M. It's not an easy thing to accept, but once she tales a step back and looks at things from your view, as I did, hopefully she will see that you don't love me. I want to let you know, that if you are feeling alone, I am hear for you just to talk, or listen. I'm sure I'm not the person you are looking to turn to right now, given the situation, but you are not alone. I won't read anything into it. Please call me if you need anything or just need to vent.
She did say thank you. Not a heartfelt THANK YOU! I probably went overboard, but was on a roll. Should see her briefly Tues and then will have a very fun talk Wed. Two times for me to convey PMA, keep it light, and I gotta remember to give her a wink!
One funny thing, as we were getting up from the patio to come inside, I stood up first. Looked back at her as I was opening door. She stands up and her jeans drop a bit, exposing the top backside of a thong. I start laughing and say, "W, nice thong." W-"Yeah, I need to do laundry, this was all I had left to wear."
Me - "You can't be showing me those if I'm supposed to be moving on!"
W-(laughing)"You're not supposed to be looking."
Me- "yeah, not going to look at my hot wife, sure"
W-smiles
Me-"you're killing me, you know that don;t you?"(laughing)
It was a nice moment for us to have a laugh. And man is she ever smokin' hot! can't imagine not being intimate with her ever again. I know this is purely physical aspect, but good Lord!

[Handful of Rain]

Dude, I know exactly what you are feeling, and believe me you are doing the right thing, it is only through this sitch that I am starting to really understand some of my W behavior.

First of all, best thing to do is keep all the family members and friends out of it, they want what is best for you, and her, wanting so, are biased, in one way or the other. Best to leave it to a third party, someone who can completely look at the sitch with neutrally.

Now IMO, I believe (I can only speak for myself on this, but yours maybe the same) that everything my W has done is to wake me up, to how screwed up things were. I was the one in denial, most of the R, I held on to it, and wouldn't let it go. I am not in denial, anymore, but I am trying to salvage it, if possible. W in her screwed up way, made me realize things, I was not happy in my M, and not happy with her as a W. I wouldn't have never seen this, if she didn't do the things she has done. Things were never going to work the ways things were going, we were both slipping away, and it was just a matter of time, before we both lost each other. We have been separated before, a few times in the M, none so drastic or so long. That is why I think that she will come to her senses, and if she doesn't then at least I am.

The little laughs that you are getting from W, (believe me, I know this one) are something about you that she doesn't want to lose, you do make her smile, you do make her happy, (I do too, more than the bum my W is with, it seems) These are things that she will think about, when she is alone, when she lets go of any ill feelings that she has for you, actually the laughs will help her to do just that, and help her to concentrate on the good things, So keep making her laugh and being a friend to her.

When they are mad at us, or in denial, they try their best to not remember the good things, the things that they fell in love with about us in the first place, the more you make her laugh, the more you are kind and caring, the more it will come back to her, she won't be able to stop it. It is a natural phase of going through all of this, Have you ever heard of the 6 phases of D? If not do a Google search and check it out. Most people go through all of it, whether you are the the one who initiates the D, or the one who is fighting the D. She will go through it!

One thing I definitely say you've got on your side, is you've got a W, who knows she's got problems, that is a big plus! If she is in with a good C, like Michelle recommends, then who knows, if you make the changes that you need to make, and she opens her heart and mind, She may see that you are the one that she has wanted all along. My W, on the other hand, only goes to C, to take my DD11, She is still in denial, but her emotional demise is coming, it has already started! Then I pray she will wake up and see that it was her, not me, that did this to her. I did what I did to myself, so I am working on me, and me only. And I think doing a pretty darn good job of it. (1 dream realized, and more on the way)

As far as being intimate, that one is a hard one, I know, luckily my W, hasn't been trying to look so good around me anymore, she did at first, and it was tough, but now with her depression really starting to kick in, she is not, not that she looks bad or anything, lately (wouldn't know she doesn't get out of the car, again) But last time I did see her I told her that when we were together I thought that when she had just woken up, with her hair a mess, running around in just a T-shirt, she looked glorious, and when after our kids were born, in the hospital, she was the most beautiful woman on the planet. You see Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. You will be fine, just don't dwell on the intimate aspect of it, just think of how great it will be if/when you are truly making love with her. Take care.