It's a different look at desire and another aspect of dealing with it. It comes from a completely different point of view. You seem to think that people are asking you to deny your desire. It's how you cling to your desire thats causing your frustrations. It's not that you have the desires it's that you cling so hard to the fact that they are unfulfilled by your wife.
You cling to the past she swallowed your load 20 years ago so why not now? Why can't things be like they were? Because thats the past if you haven't changed in those 20 years maybe thats part of the problem.
I totally sympathize with how you feel but I find your constant filling up nearly everyones threads with your stuff incredibly dull and frustrating to have to read other peoples stories just get thread jacked.
Your want your wife to desire you and blow you we get it.
What are you going to do about it?
I dare you to stop playing the victim and come up with a plan.
1) Change nothing and continue to b!tch about your wife's drive. 2) Change nothing and be resigned to not getting the sex you want. 3) Stay married to your wife and get a lover. 4) Stay married to your wife and buy sex. 5) Divorce your wife and seek a relationship with a woman that has a higer drive. Remember though, that this high drive woman may indeed someday change . . . just like your wife did. 6) Take a very hard look at yourself and see if there is something about you or your behavior that is compounding the sex issue. Are you doing something that is causing this reaction with your wife. If you find something . . . change it. 7) Realize that you are both older and perhaps sex just isn't going to play the same role in your married life as it once did.
My advice to you if you choose to stay married is work on loving your wife for what she is, not for what you wish her to be. Love her because she is your wife and the mother of your children. This is what I'm trying to do and my resentment for my wife is so much less. . . sometimes I even catch myself having a bit of fun again.
1) Change nothing and continue to b!tch about your wife's drive. Very Likely. 2) Change nothing and be resigned to not getting the sex you want. I may be resigned to not getting the DESIRE I want no matter WHAT I do. 3) Stay married to your wife and get a lover. Violates my religious beliefs so highly unlikely. 4) Stay married to your wife and buy sex. Sex is not the problem, DESIRE is the problem, so buying sex would do nothing for me. 5) Divorce your wife and seek a relationship with a woman that has a higer drive. Remember though, that this high drive woman may indeed someday change . . . just like your wife did. Again, against my religious beliefs. 6) Take a very hard look at yourself and see if there is something about you or your behavior that is compounding the sex issue. Are you doing something that is causing this reaction with your wife. If you find something . . . change it. I have change lots of things and nothing has changed. The problem is that most LD is caused by MULTIPLE problems, not just relationship problems. 7) Realize that you are both older and perhaps sex just isn't going to play the same role in your married life as it once did. In other words, my marriage will never be any good. Highly likely.
I dare you to stop playing the victim and come up with a plan. If I could come up with a plan, I would not be on here. In fact, show me ANY man on here that has successfully changed a LD woman into a HD woman. Willingness to have sex does not count.
1) Change nothing and continue to b!tch about your wife's drive. Very Likely.
Well...at least that's an honest answer CeMar. Now, my question to you is this....if you feel that it is a likely possibility that you will continue to do this...then WHY ARE YOU HERE? You can't just change one thing, or even two things (further down in your post), you have to try different things. BUT, if as you state yourself it's more likely that you will change nothing and just continue to bitch then you are going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that NOTHING WILL change, and if YOU are not going to change things....then quit bitching about it, because you can effect change if you really desire change to come about. Many people have.
I continue to hold fast to my opinion that YOU are the problem here CeMar. Your air of neediness and entitlement is very unattractive to a woman...to be quite honest it's a huge turnoff. I find it very difficult to believe that what I see here, this neediness and entitlement, does't come through at home....and if it does, that in itself is a sexual repellant, it will kill that spark of desire that she may have. I have been in relationships, heck even in my current one...where I may feel horny, and even be getting ready to initiate something...or in the middle of it, and my H's attitude will just flat out kill that spark...dead, the desire gets snuffed right out. I find it very possible that this is something that is occuring in your own marriage...and it is something YOU have control over, because it's something YOU emit. It's kind of the greenhouse effect in your marriage...only YOU are the one emitting the noxious gases that make that sexual/desire void grow in your marriage...resulting in a changed climate (not even taking into consideration the REAL changes a woman's body goes through as she ages.)
Oh, and you wanted examples of men that have effected change in their marriages with LD wives...they've been cited to you time and again. It doesn't bear repeating because you CHOOSE to believe it cannot happen, so for you...it won't.
And the scary thing is....after much lurking....I see a bit of myself in cemar. Not the bitching....but the need to be desired. We have the same problem, but handle it differently.
Even at that....you have given me much to ponder GEL.
My marriage is improving in the desire dept....but it was through ALOT of communication and general "backing off" and just concentrating on trying to be A GOOD HUSBAND.
And before you say it, cemar.....I had to try to be *HER* version of a good husband, not MY VERSION.
I found that when that improved....the desire I was looking for slowly started to peep its head around more often. Not as much as I'd like.....but alot more than I had.
Even with all this, it took TWO YEARS before I even *started* to see an improvement.
But I don't have an "all or nothing" mentallity.....so while it might be mildly disappointing, I choose to focus on the fact that its SO much improved from where we were....and I have reason to believe that it will *keep* improving over time......although sometimes (I admit) I wish it was improving a little faster.
I had to try to be *HER* version of a good husband, not MY VERSION.
Especially given your results so far, I think this is great as long as you don't compromise any of your personal principles, the things that define you as yourself.
AND don't apply the "quid pro quo" attitude, whereby you enter into (as I understand them) one of those dreaded Nice Guy covert contracts ... "I'll become the husband she wants, so then she'll desire me more." Hopefully yes, but there's no guarantee. So you should make sure the kind of husband you are becoming still jibes ok with your own sense of what is right and admirable. Otherwise, welcome to Resentment Village.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
you wanted examples of men that have effected change in their marriages with LD wives Actually, I have never wanted this. What I do want is examples of men that have changed something about themselves that cause their wives to become HD.
