There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

h just called to say hi to the kids and seemed really distant to me. which is fine, because I asked him to be, essentially. I asked him to not tell me about his personal life, and not to ask about mine, so hey, except for the kids, what else is there to talk about?

he was annoyed because S5 sounded sad/distant on the phone to him. he asked why. and I told him...he misses his daddy, wants him to come home. every day my kids talk to me about this, and I've gotten better about letting them talk and not placating, etc. I've told H this in the past, not to guilt him, just figured as a father he should know (and both my friend and my therapist have told me yes, I need to let him know this stuff). He just doesn't sound like he wants to hear it at all, so I asked him today straight out how much of that he wants to hear. he got distracted sounding, not interested in the slightest. he finally said to go ahead and tell him. so I will, but it gets old for me, too. feels like I'm laying a guilt trip when I'm really not.

I'm tired from not sleeping, still, thinking about hauling myself to the gym. wish I knew h's plan for tomorrow. he comes for my therapy, and since this is the last week at his old job, am wondering if he'll try to spend some extra time with the kids. if that happens, I can go to the gym then, no problem, and skip today. I'm really too tired for much of a w/o. but I would hate to miss both days (dependent on childcare there, and the hours aren't that often, so have to plan it out). guess we'll see how I am in an hour.

babbling, but feeling better than I did. helps to have the kids home, and to get my normal weekly routine going. still having a hard time getting him/her out of my mind. lots of awful visuals of them together, especially when I was laying there awake overnight.