Letter to DW

[Nugget]

I typed up this letter to send to my wife, but wanted to post it her for input. I do not want to come across as manipulating or as the victim. I just want to express to her my thoughts and feeling, so any input is appreciated.

XXXX, I am writing this letter to you because I need some closure now that we are divorced and I hope it will help me to detach myself from you and help me to move on.

You expressed to me last Monday on our drive home several events that occurred between us early in our marriage, where I had committed several unacceptable acts towards you. Throwing water on you. Tearing your clothes. Pulling your hair and losing my temper over the lipstick in the laundry. There may even be others, but those are the ones you told me about. I do remember doing those things to you, but they never stood out in my mind. I have always asked you to give me examples of what I had done to you in the past for you to justify telling me that I have been mean to you for our entire marriage. We’ll when you told me about those terrible actions that I had performed against you and to hear the pain in your voice and to see the pain on your face, it made me realize how bad I had hurt you. I understand now how terrible they must have felt for you and how much they have caused you not to trust me. I fell truly awful for having put you through that. I feel awful that you have had to carry around all that pain and all those terrible memories for all these years. I also see how each time I lose my temper and let my anger get out of control, that it brings back those memories and you are afraid they will occur again. You have all the right to be angry and hurt for what I have put you through. It was not acceptable behavior then or ever will be. You are a very special person and never in a million years deserved to be treated that way. I am truly sorry!

I want to tell you how much I appreciate how you have been treating me over the past several weeks. I have really enjoyed the time we have spent together, except the Sun evening in CA. and the drive home on Monday, when I was being a total ass as usual. You have made me feel very special and like part of your life. Thank you. I think we have been getting along better and treating each better then we have for quite some time. It has been nice and very enjoyable. But, at the same time it saddens me, because now we are divorced and no longer together and these times are too few and far between and when they are over, we both go back to our separate lives. We both deserve to have these types of good times every day, all the time, not just on occasions. I hope that soon we both can find somehow or someone who will be there for us and care for us they way we deserve and we can care for them back. I know you will make someone very happy very soon, because you are a kind hearted, generous person, as am I.

I want you to know how proud I am of you. You are doing so great at becoming independent. You found someone to fix the window on your car, you are putting in applications for an apartment, and you bought your own bed. Your co-workers love you (but, then again who doesn’t). You got out of a job you hated last year and into one that you thought would fulfill you more, but sadly it has let you down. You are a strong person with lots to offer. Take pride of who you are and remember you can do whatever you want to. Don’t wait for someone else to make it happen. You can do it.
Lastly I want to express to you my gratitude to you for being such a loving and caring mother to our son. I know I have said some very hurtful comments to you during arguments about you. But there were not true and were only a pathetic attempt on my part to make myself to look stronger in my eyes. I see that the love you have for him is sincere and pure. It is the type of love that only a mother can have and you have a lot of it inside you to share with him. Your son loves you and like all men who love women, likes to tease you. I find it so cute and enduring how the two of you teasingly torment each other. At times it makes me jealous. I see the two of you having a very close loving relationship as our little boy progress through his life. Thank you for being you and thank you for being the mom that our son needs and deserves. Thank you.

XXXX, I wish we would not have allowed ourselves to selfishly pass each other by for the past 15 years and that we could have had the foresight to remove the blind folds from our eyes that were allowing use each to ignore one another’s needs and desires all these years. I only hope we can learn from our past mistakes and take a new understanding of how to meet the needs of others into our next relationships. I know I have learned a lot of what I have done wrong and what I need to change. I am working on me and trying to make myself a better, happier person, so in my next relationship I will not make the same terrible mistakes that I made you suffer through. I am sorry, that I did put you though what I did and wish I knew then what I know now. It is saddens me to think that you had to suffer and sacrifice your happiness over 15 years in order for me to see my shortcomings as a husband.
I want you to know that I will always be her for you and I will help you whenever or however I can. All you have to do is ask.

Warmly and gratefully yours.
XXXX

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))), Nugget, I feel your pain. not sure if the letter is a good idea or a bad idea, but guessing it helped to write it.

[DaveJ]

Nugget, I think maybe it would help you get closure and be able to detach with that. It sounds very sincere to me. Heck, I'm trying not to cry after reading that. I really feel for you man.

[Nugget]

(((HUGS))), Nugget, I feel your pain. not sure if the letter is a good idea or a bad idea, but guessing it helped to write it.

Can you express a little your feelings about your comment. What good and what bad do you see that will come from it?

[Nugget]

Thanks DaveJ. It is sincere. I have written her several letters in the past year to express to her my feelings and this one is certainly the most honest and open one I have written. Lot of emotions went through me as I wrote it. Sadness, anger, pain, happiness, hopefulness, a sense of lose. It was a very interesting experience.

[LL44]

I really like that letter. You have owned up to your parts, mentioned her parts, and expressed regret. I think she will be able to read it and process it, as you aren't accusing or trying to hurt her. I hope she will see it as you meant it, sincere.

[Nugget]

I really like that letter. You have owned up to your parts, mentioned her parts, and expressed regret. I think she will be able to read it and process it, as you aren't accusing or trying to hurt her. I hope she will see it as you meant it, sincere.

lwb, that is what I am hoping for also. No blaming, no guilty, an understanding of my regret and my openness and honesty.

[tk180days]

Hi Nugget:

I read your initial thread & current letter. I hope that down the road there is hope for you still. I read somewhere that once you realize you want the D, that you should give it another year. I also read if people would realize that better comes after worse, more marriages would stay together. Blessing - I like your letter - as long as there is life theres hope.

[Nugget]

Thanks tk. I do still have hope but, I need a little closure in order for me to detach from me W. We (I) have already filed for the divorce and then final papers it should be in the mail any day. I am not throwing in the towel or giving up. I just need to express to my wife my true feelings and a letter is the best approach I have. I would much rather express to her these feeling in person, but I know I will end up going down a path I do not want to.

[Trixi]

Nugget-
I believe you had mentioned getting a certain e-book in a different thread; did you get it? If so, is it helpful? Is it worth $80? Is that what prompted you to write the letter?

If you didn't get the book mentioned..Never mind