There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

well, its 3am. I slept for a couple of hours, then D3 woke up looking for her doll, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep since. just keep staring at my stupid, oversized, ridiculous bedroom, and dwelling on the fact that my h is gone. I'm really starting to hate my room. I'm tempted to turn it into a playroom...its huge, it would make a great playroom...and turn the downstairs guest room into my bedroom. but I'd hate to not be on the same floor as my kids, and really, it makes no sense to do that when I really think about it. I guess I need to do some re-arranging/decorating. I wish I could paint the walls...they are a horrible color...but I don't want to spend money on a painter right now, and its more than I can do on my own (ceilings too high, too much of a big deal to move the many bookcases we have in there). I need to get some new bedding, even if I just pick something that's just okay. I haven't found anything I love, but I need to just get something different.

I have a picture of h and ow together, have I told you that? its from an event over the winter...I'm tempted to print it out and stick it on my wall. maybe that would beat some sense into my head.

wow, lack of sleep is going to make it a tough day today, but I really don't think I'm going to be getting any more tonight.

have made a decision that I really need to go dark. at least as much as is possible...will need to answer the phone when he calls to talk to the kids and such, but other than that, no more phone calls from me (had been doing good on that one until this past week) and no more e-mails from me, unless they are really and truly necessary. I fired off 2 more earlier today. have yet to receive a single reply, even though I know he got them. I need to remember that even though I want to scream and shout and cry and pound some sense into him, try to wake him up, that nothing I do is going to. I need to stop and get a hold of myself. I need to stop the expectations that things will go the way I want them to, either saved marriage or ended marriage.

[SallyM]

789, missed you earlier. yep, no more stepping back when he crosses the line. and yep, bs to him moving back in here. he blames his re-starting the affair on me not allowing him to. which is laughable because 1st, you'd have to actually believe he ended it and 2nd, that it wouldn't have restarted the first moment things got hard between us. and the only thing he had to do to come back was to say he was sincerely trying to save our marriage. even if he wasn't sure that's what he wanted to do, it was that he would just give it a chance. so, buddy, I wasn't stopping you from moving back ever, you were stopping you.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and your situation. I wish you success. wish I could say I see something like that happening in my own life, but I really don't.

[SallyM]

because I am up and babbling anyway, can I just say that I have hte coldest house. I do. according to the weather online, its in the upper 40s outside (brrrrr, fall's a-comin'). my house is warmer than that, according to the thermostat, but it feels like its colder. I swear I will never again have a house with so much hardwood/tile/marble in it. I am NOT looking forward to winter. I know I should be counting my blessings that I have a decent home, and I am. I'm just bitter because its a cold house and I have noone to keep me warm.

grumble grumble grumble

okay, online shopping is fun in the middle of the night. opinions, please, love it or hate it? I am not a brown person, not usually a stripe person, but I love blues/whites/creams, and this would match my really ugly bedroom walls, so maybe it would work??? bedding

[Astimegoeson]

Your up late/early Morgan. I just rotated to night shift last night. I'll be on it the next 9 weeks.

I know what you mean about winter. I don't care much for it, because your stuck in the house so much. I'm not really the home body type, so it gets to me. I think sometimes I get depressed by being forced indoors for such a long period.

I think I'm going to try and learn to skii or snow board this year just so that I can get out of the house. My oldest S says he could teach me and it would be a bonding thing for us.

I bet it gets real cold where you are. Be careful not to let yourself get into a rut being cooped up all winter. Try to find something that gets you out of the house when you don't have the kids.

Anyway, I don't know much about bedding, but my Capt. America shower curtains are the bomb with my S7 & S14.

[789]

What do you mean fall is coming, lol I just woke up because it is so damn hot, had to lower the air conditioner thermostat because I am sweating.
If your going to be awake, don't shop !!! Bake cookies

Going back to bed now.

[SallyM]

atgo, yep, definitely need to get out of the house in the winter. but don't jump the gun...fall's here first, and lots to love about being outside in the fall. good luck with the night shift...wow, that has to be really hard.

789, just saw the forcast and they are talking mid-upper 80s by the end of the week, so a little extra burst of summer. but yeah, the writing is on the wall, fall's almost here. in a month, won't remember what it was like to be warm. sigh.

after I posted last, I tried to go back to bed but I was shivering so much I almost grabbed the down comfortor out of the closet. instead, I just bundled myself in sweats and finally slept for an hour before it was time to get up for the day.

okay, tonight if I can't sleep, I'll bake. lol. hey, it'll be cheaper.

[SallyM]

h just called to say hi to the kids and seemed really distant to me. which is fine, because I asked him to be, essentially. I asked him to not tell me about his personal life, and not to ask about mine, so hey, except for the kids, what else is there to talk about?

he was annoyed because S5 sounded sad/distant on the phone to him. he asked why. and I told him...he misses his daddy, wants him to come home. every day my kids talk to me about this, and I've gotten better about letting them talk and not placating, etc. I've told H this in the past, not to guilt him, just figured as a father he should know (and both my friend and my therapist have told me yes, I need to let him know this stuff). He just doesn't sound like he wants to hear it at all, so I asked him today straight out how much of that he wants to hear. he got distracted sounding, not interested in the slightest. he finally said to go ahead and tell him. so I will, but it gets old for me, too. feels like I'm laying a guilt trip when I'm really not.

I'm tired from not sleeping, still, thinking about hauling myself to the gym. wish I knew h's plan for tomorrow. he comes for my therapy, and since this is the last week at his old job, am wondering if he'll try to spend some extra time with the kids. if that happens, I can go to the gym then, no problem, and skip today. I'm really too tired for much of a w/o. but I would hate to miss both days (dependent on childcare there, and the hours aren't that often, so have to plan it out). guess we'll see how I am in an hour.

babbling, but feeling better than I did. helps to have the kids home, and to get my normal weekly routine going. still having a hard time getting him/her out of my mind. lots of awful visuals of them together, especially when I was laying there awake overnight.

[mkultra]

jack, I think I bought into the notion that by being me again, gal and all that, that H would suddenly remember the person he fell in love with. but what I'm starting to finally realize is that he has such blinders on, is in such a thick fog, that he isn't going to see it no matter what I do. He isn't. he doesn't see anything but the bad, even now. I understand why he is doing it (helps justify his own actions and such), but it still hurts, and I honestly don't see it changing.

I thought I was doing pretty good here. Meeting my goals, acting as if, spending time together laughing, down time, making our home the safe haven. Then each night he is back with her and the all the lies. He will still talk to me as if I did something horrible. I asked why he was so mad. He actually sneered at me and siad something sarcastic like, "And you are so sweet?" I stopped and really looked him in the eye and asked, "Is this how you really, truly see me now?" Then he slammed the door on me. Bye.

[LL44]

Good morning morgan!

Another Monday. Those are always kind of hard. But you can celebrate that your 'baby' is starting school soon. And you won't miss any of it, like H will. Not saying "neener neener" to him, but you know what I mean.

Hope you feel a bit more empowered today. You did the right thing all weekend, know that in your heart. There is only so much we can take, and breaking points will happen.

For some reason, the fact that he kept talking about it the very next day shows me he is still thinking about it, inside of tucking it away like they usually do.

Had to edit cuz I missed all of page 12. LOL

I love the idea of the house smelling like fresh baked cookies, but none in sight. lmfao!! Oh the things we do.

[SallyM]

mk, I truly believe they are blind. they are seeing only what they want to see...blowing out of proportion the bad stuff, ignoring any good. they have to, to justify their own actions. it doesn't hurt any less, it sucks. and what an ass to have the gall to slam the door on YOU.

h asked me again over the weekend what I was doing to save the marriage. I finally pointed out that the list he made when we started mc, the one that had all this stuff that he needed me to change in order for him to work on the marriage, well, I have done 90% of that list. I didn't do it for him, they were all things I wanted to change, too, but I did them, dammit. but even that wasn't enough, because in all honesty, he doesn't want me anymore, he wants her. so I can do carwheels and strive to be the perfect wife, the perfect person, and none of it would matter, because in the end, he doesn't want it to.