There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

well, its 3am. I slept for a couple of hours, then D3 woke up looking for her doll, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep since. just keep staring at my stupid, oversized, ridiculous bedroom, and dwelling on the fact that my h is gone. I'm really starting to hate my room. I'm tempted to turn it into a playroom...its huge, it would make a great playroom...and turn the downstairs guest room into my bedroom. but I'd hate to not be on the same floor as my kids, and really, it makes no sense to do that when I really think about it. I guess I need to do some re-arranging/decorating. I wish I could paint the walls...they are a horrible color...but I don't want to spend money on a painter right now, and its more than I can do on my own (ceilings too high, too much of a big deal to move the many bookcases we have in there). I need to get some new bedding, even if I just pick something that's just okay. I haven't found anything I love, but I need to just get something different.

I have a picture of h and ow together, have I told you that? its from an event over the winter...I'm tempted to print it out and stick it on my wall. maybe that would beat some sense into my head.

wow, lack of sleep is going to make it a tough day today, but I really don't think I'm going to be getting any more tonight.

have made a decision that I really need to go dark. at least as much as is possible...will need to answer the phone when he calls to talk to the kids and such, but other than that, no more phone calls from me (had been doing good on that one until this past week) and no more e-mails from me, unless they are really and truly necessary. I fired off 2 more earlier today. have yet to receive a single reply, even though I know he got them. I need to remember that even though I want to scream and shout and cry and pound some sense into him, try to wake him up, that nothing I do is going to. I need to stop and get a hold of myself. I need to stop the expectations that things will go the way I want them to, either saved marriage or ended marriage.