There and Back, #2

[StupidRomeo2]

{{{morgan}}}

I feel your pain. I understand every emotion you're going through. I've felt it all over and over again. I too have questioned why I can't just let her go when she's rejected me a million times, has done things to me that are close to irreversible. Why do I think of her as a friend still? Why do I want to reach out and hug her when I see her, why does she look the sexiest woman to me? I don't know really but if I'm to believe my close friend who went through a divorce I should have a girlfriend and pretty soon my ex won't matter to me, will even help me having a friendlier relationship with her.

Perhaps he's right, but to think that I wasted 6+ years, the dreams I built with this woman, the trust I placed in her, my daughter who's life will be so different now and nothing she or I could do about it it just kills me inside. So naiive of me to always believe her, there were signs which I completely ignored. Almost as if she had a plan and I was just a pit-stop in her life.

Anyway, I hope you find strength to face this and I know you will because we'll be the better ones and take it head on. We didn't want this but we'll hold our grounds and fight this.

I like to believe there's a special person out there for each one of us that'll appreciate our qualities...my ex is clearly not that person and I have to start accepting that.

[789]

Damn, you already forgot about the cookies .

As for an actual answer, I think it comes down to you and your feelings. What is the final line he has to cross for you still to take him back ? Is it having this affair or anything else, only you can answer that. I know for myself long ago, my line in the sand was either a judge said we were divorced or she was pregnant, about anything else I believe I could forgive. I don't think you are right or wrong for feeling the way you are, it is something that is dear to your heart no matter how much crap he has thrown at you.

Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help, stand up on those two legs and live, for yourself and your kids. Don't ever believe you did the wrong thing in this situation, I believe that falls squarely on his shoulders.

[jackw]

Time and working focus on Morgan and on tomorrow. The more of both and you will "slowly" realize that your tomorrows are bright and exciting with or without him.

You will also be a lot closer the person he fell in love with once and still could again. But you will get to a point where you will be ok either way.

I wish I could say it will happen overnight, but as I have told you I'm slowly getting there and i've been at it a good 9 months longer...

So in the depth of the pain you are dealing with this weekend, please find solace that each tomorrow will get better.

[SallyM]

thanks all. hey, 789, if you were closer, I'd make a big batch and send them on over. and I'd make sure that the pans were still in the sink, the aroma still lingering in the kitchen, when h came over to see the kids...but not a cookie in sight. lol. as for the lines in the sand, I've done so many, and stepped back each time he's crossed them. and I am starting to hate myself for it. where is that line? not sure. I have been standing firm on the separation, at least...and yeah, he has wanted to come home, not to work on the marriage, not to give her up, just for the convenience of it. HA. there, that's my line, I guess. fu.

cards no cookies, that's it, jack. yep, gonna do it that way. the lawyers I spoke to were under 50% by a bit, but hey, if he's willing to go there, to alieve his guilt or whatnot, or if I heard the lawyers wrong, woo-hoo for me! I know I'm not compelled to get a job until the youngest is 7. I'd just like some time to figure out what I'd actually like to do, so I'm not stuck doing something I hate, and missing the time with the kids. I know many people do it, but if I don't have to, I don't want to. an yeah, I could live pretty comfortably on 50%. in fact, on the amount he's talking, I wouldn't even need to sell the house, at least not right away. the $ security is something that makes me a little crazy right now.

stupidromeo, yep, know that pain. I can't even seem to see other guys as attractive right now...literally, I look around, and have yet to find one who compares to H. what I need to do is stop seeing him as the man I knew, and start seeing him as the man he really is. maybe that will take some of the luster off.

just off the phone with one of my best friends. she's a therapist (lives in florida, so unfortunately not close by). I have this little fantasy that she locks H in a room somewhere and has at him. she'd really like to about now. lol. anyway, she gave me some homework to do. I like constructive things like that...they stop the spiral for me, help me concentrate on something productive, that might help provide me with some insight here.

[SallyM]

jack, I think I bought into the notion that by being me again, gal and all that, that H would suddenly remember the person he fell in love with. but what I'm starting to finally realize is that he has such blinders on, is in such a thick fog, that he isn't going to see it no matter what I do. he isn't. he doesn't see anything but the bad, even now. I understand why he is doing it (helps justify his own actions and such), but it still hurts, and I honestly don't see it changing.

so I need to take him out of the equation. I need to GAL and be ME again for myself. but its still so hard to let him go. its pathetic, but its hard. I'm a cockeyed optimist in a lot of ways, I want to believe in people, especially him, and its killing me to admit that I am wrong.

[789]

Well first, stop moving your own line, that gives him more thoughts that maybe he is right and you start to lose your own self respect.
As for him wanting to move home for HIS convenience, BS on that !!!

Start working harder on GAL, stop obsessing about him, start obsessing about your self and those kids. It is hard, there are no time lines, and you never know what is going to happen in the long run.

I can only go with what I have read here and what happens in my own situation. My wife was done, gone, moving on, talking about having a boyfriend and doing whatever she damned pleased, telling me she is/has filed I think four times with the last about a month ago. At that time, I actually started, thought slowly to realize it was done, and started moving on with my own life and really stopped caring, not giving up, just stopped caring.Now as of today, it has been the best 4 days since February, what does it mean, I have no clue, yet!!! But I drew my own lines in the sand, have not allowed them to be crossed, at least not that I know of, and have kept my self respect

I like your fantasy about him being locked up with your friend, that could be fun to watch.

[Astimegoeson]

so I need to take him out of the equation. I need to GAL and be ME again for myself. but its still so hard to let him go. its pathetic, but its hard. I'm a cockeyed optimist in a lot of ways, I want to believe in people, especially him, and its killing me to admit that I am wrong.

Morgan,

You understand exactly where you need to go and what you need to do. Your still fairly new to this situation you find yourself in, so I know it's easier said than done at the point. I want you to understand though that it is possible to get to a place where your emotions will be more subdued and you will be able to take "him out of the equation" without trying or thinking about it. It just takes time to get there.

Keep telling yourself what your telling us and eventually you will get to that point your describing. Fake it till you make it!

Hang in there!

[LL44]

You aren't any of those things, you are a hurt, betrayed, and confused person but none of those things.

I agree, cards for him, cookies for me.

Oh man, get that offer in writing. Maybe work out a legal separation and work that into it. That would really put your mind at ease.

LOL at what you said. My own H said (when I asked him if he did anything physical in front of our kids), "I'm a dick, but I am not an ass". lmfao!!!

[mkultra]

I guess a card would be OK. I would say no because he will not appreciate it, but who knows. I guess I am not being positive about ungrateful WAS. Money is tight here and we did not do any back to school shoppingtoday. Kind of blue about that, no big deal. Is your D starting K tomorrow? Our babies are so young. I am starting my D6 in a therapy group for kids involved in divorce with substance, emotional, verbal avuse. I guess I am in denial but her doctor said to do it just to be safe in case she has seen things I am not wary of.

Morgan, I messed up the DB tonight too. I feel crappy about it. I should have just let it go but I am sick of all the egg shells and not having any truth. I confronted my H and even answered his cell phone when OW called while I was moving his car. I saw her voicemail and called it back.

Then I was so pissed I asked him to not show up at my D's school anymore. I probably looked crazy even though everyone thinks he is crazy on drugs.

[SallyM]

atgo, yep, when I look at the situation logically, from a birds eye view, I know what to do. its just when I'm down on the ground, when I let myself feel, that it gets messy and awful. everyone keeps saying its so new for me still, but it feels like a lifetime. but will keep trying, will hold on to the hope that time will help heal the wounds.

lwb, lol about what your husband said. thanks for the support, hope you had an okay night.

mk, omg, sounds like you had quite the night. (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry. you have so much more going on, if H is into any of that stuff. I'm so sorry. S doesn't start school till next week. is your D in K or 1st? and where did you find the support group for kids? would be interested to know how that goes.