Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

Thanks lwb and Sara! I appreciate the kind words! I do feel like it's a big deal and yet I don't want to get my hopes up.

There have been so many things over the past few days that I have begun to understand about my M that I just don't know what to do with it all. I want to get it all down here so that I can keep track of it, get feedback, and be able to address it in C.
Warning: this may be really long.

1) I truly am never happy with H. This isn't H's fault and I think it is something that plagues many woman in their marriages. Ex: he called Retrovaille and that is a huge accomplishment - but why can't he quit his job? (i.e. cut all communication off with ow?) I should be thrilled with him calling, overjoyed with the promise of him wanting to work on our M and yet, I feel skeptical of his intentions, and hesistant in believing he will follow through. How do I change this outlook? How do I balance appreciating accomplishments while maintaing the list of goals to be accomplished? I don't want to be ungrateful, I just want it all. I feel like a bitch for even saying that...I guess recognition is step 1.

2) My H has many great qualities and I love him dearly, but the major reason that I even dated him was because he pursued me. On our first date he said to me, "I don't care if you want to date other people or not - you can if you want to - but I want you to know that I will only date you. You are the one that I want to date. There isn't anyone else." And I thought, wow, that's awesome. He's man enough to give me the freedom I want to figure this out and he is strong enough to be ok with it. And he was like that towards me up until about 2 years into our M. Obviously I was unable to keep that feeling from waning, and I'm just so terrified that he will never want me like that again - even after attending Retrouvaille. We had such a great thing going and I ruined our M. He had the affair, but I set the stage.

3) I am his mother. This one is huge. I pay the bills, everything is in my name (except cable), I handle all issues that come up re: our house, our finances, our families. He doesn't do anything. He doesn't even own a car - he never has - he is 37 and has never owned a car. Isn't that crazy? He has comandeered cars (his grandfathers and mine) but has never had one in his name. I need to stop jumping in and solving problems. I have gotten better at this, but I have such a long way to go. How does one build a healthy relationship in which one partner is not "parenting" the other. I now see this as so unhealthy...is it any wonder he felt he could behave like a high school boy and sleep around?

4) Communicating love in a way in which my H hears me. I have read 5 Love Languages twice. I have no idea what love language my h is. Sometimes I think he is words of affirmation - and I need so MUCH help here - I'm really bad at words of affirmation, and other times I think he is quality time. I can't figure him out to save my life. It's interesting b/c he doesn't think he is words of affirmation, yet OW wrote him several cards/letters that I had the *privlege* of reading in which she did nothing but recount the "treasures of her paramour" and those are the very cards/letters he cannot part with. She even burned him a mixed cd - she appears to be great with words of affirmation. He has skimmed through 5LL and says he doesn't even know what LL he is - c'mon?? Anyway - I must learn to hear him better.

OK - that's all for now. My IC session this week should be exciting...45 minutes just is not enough time!!!

I know that a lot of you are struggling so badly with your situations and that I seem really ungrateful for how far my H has come and how much he is willing to work at this. I'm sorry if this frustrates all of you. I do recognize that he is making efforts - I guess I'm still dealing with me. There is just still so much work to be done...

If you made it this far - thanks for reading!
Em