self eroding manner of suspecting and observing him
Phoenix--I think I've understood this before, but I like the way you put it here. It is beyond detrimental to me and my ultimate goals to continue this train of thought. Knowing that, I find myself being continually surprised at how easy it is to slip into these habits. I imagine they spring from some kind of instinctive self-preservation mode.
I've had a few panicked what-if sessions over the past week, and I caught myself in a pickle yesterday...H and I were driving with the kids to a family outing, and started talking about an injury that happened to me when I was large with baby #2. Though he was talking about it in a light, reminiscing kind of way, it brought up a wave of bitter memories for me, realizing now that at the time of the event he didn't care much for me and was well into his A (at least emotionally). I was so tempted to say something, like, "Yeah, that was really a painful experience for me, and it hurts even more now to realize that you couldn't have cared less." But I didn't.
I'm so glad I kept my mouth shut and didn't dig it up. It's all part of stuff I've already forgiven him for, and it will do neither of us any good for me to keep bringing it out and examining it to make sure it was a valid hurt. Plus it would have put a damper on our fun day together.
BTW, we had a great day...took the kids to a local hot spring pool and had dinner with H's extended family. He spent all day and all evening with us, as he has most days lately. This is such a complete 180 for him, and is the biggest source of my belief in his commitment to us.
So, here's to beginning another week. May it bring healing and progress for all of us as we put one foot in front of the other on our paths to happiness.
