I think you did quite well. I also think he did quite well, since he did call you back and apologize. That takes some humbling to do, especially after he had tried to draw a hard line against being told what to do. I think a hopeless case would not have backed off and apologized.
I know you feel you are doing better and have made progress. My wife tells me the same thing, but IMO, her idea of progress is light years away from mine. She may have traveled miles, which for some one else may have been sufficient, but for her is just a fraction of where I think she needs to go. If you are still engaging and reacting with your H, then you have a ways to go, even though you may have come a long, long way. You are in the thick of the "battle," when the most change will occur. To quite now would be foolhardy I think.
I think the next time he says "I don't think I can give you what you need" I might just agree with him and see what type of response that gets
I think this is a very good idea because I think his statement is just a power play, an attempt to intimidate you. It is false on two accounts that you should call him out on:
1) It is a threat and one that he is not likely to carry out. If he truly feels t hat way, why is he reacting to YOU? Why do your statements make him so angry? He reacts because he still cares (enough to call back and apologize) and he still needs validation from you. He is lying to both you and himself in trying to deny these facts (at least a I see it).
2) He is selling himself short by saying he can't give you what you need. That is not true and you know it, and it is an insult to you and him to denigrate himself like that. If you had made such a comment about him I bet he would blow up, right? He needs to respect himself as much as you respect him.
BTW, has your counselor or this new guy been able to do any FOO work with your H? His anger is very deep seated and I do not believe it comes from your relationship with him. It must be from his past, and I think that only by seeing his FOO in an accurate light will he come to understand why he is what he is, and why it is ok to drop those old defensive behaviors. IMO, without this understanding, all that you and the counselors are trying to do will feel like manipulation to him.
IMO, the key to doing this is for you to lead with exploring your FOO and lay it out for your H. You have a tough situation, not that much different from mine. The only way to get my wife to understand her FOO is to point it out after also pointing out my own. Pointing out problems with other couples, such as her sister, is another good way to explore issues. That takes the spotlight off your H and lets him put 2 and 2 together.
