Desire is as subjective as frequency, so I find it pointless to discuss specifics of my sex life with you. You should be having discussions with your wife.
However, the fact that cac referred to himself the other day on Hap's thread as a "lucky ba$tard," makes me assume that I'm doing something "right." If he stops feeling like a lucky ba$tard, it's his responsibility to figure out why and what to do about it. I plan to continue on as I have been, doing my part to work on myself and my marriage.
If you are ADD then IMO you are not in a good setting. My W is ADD and as a SAHM she wanted to do something to bring in some income. She tried to start up several home businesses – selling furniture (as the middleman), making and selling homemade soap, refurnishing furniture, creating some sort of arts & crafts to sell in art fairs, teaching home-bound kids for the school district. The one common element all these have in common is that it takes personal drive and discipline to make them work. Even the home teaching was optional as to whether to take on a new student or not. An ADD person does not have this. They are too easily distracted and sidetracked.
She was able to run a home daycare business for a while. That worked because the parents would bring over their kids so she was “forced” to do what needed to be done. Now the kids are older and can watch over themselves, so she is a regular teacher. That “forces” her to get up in the morning, got to work, be answerable to others, etc. In other words, it imposes the discipline she will not/cannot impose on herself.
A SAHM is chaotic. Some women have to personal discipline to control that chaos and bring it to order. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. You need to decide, but if you don’t have it, then trying to force yourself as a square peg into a round hole will be very frustrating.
As for the exercise, I understand the team/individual sport idea, and how boring it is to work out at times. But that misses the point. I HATE to jog, it is boring, seems to take forever, and is more a matter of enduring prolonged stress for me. I don’t jog too far so I rarely get the endorphin high. I do it to keep in shape for other sports that I enjoy, where I can push myself in a more competitive setting. I also do it to counteract sitting all day at a desk. Lastly, I do it to be “bored” and feel like I’m “wasting my time” running around the block instead of being bored and wasting my time laying in bed trying to get to sleep.
To me, exercise is a trade off. It is not always about having fun or being entertained. Sometimes it is about avoiding the negative effects of not exercising. Personally I think most women do not get this fact. They think men enjoy exercise, but that is not always the case. I enjoy the benefits of exercise, though at times I really hate doing the exercise itself.
Foray into qualified gender pigeonholing nothwithstanding, I agree with Cobra wholeheartedly about the benefits of exercise. Between the way I actually feel when I do it regularly and all the research out there about the massive physical and mental benefits, I just don't think it's something to brush aside lightly. It not necessarily fun for me still, in the sense that there are many things I would rather be doing. This makes it even harder to commit the time. But I have found that it DID get hugely easier after I suffered through maybe .... trying to remember ... three weeks? That sounds discouraging, but it isn't meant to ... I remember being so delighted when I realized it had become something that still took effort, but was definitely within my powers.
The reward in terms of confidence in myself and my body has been so worth it. I am not now and may never be stick figure girl, but no one but me can stop me from being strong -- and that sense of strength continues to pay off big time in every part of my life, including the bedroom.
If you still worry on some level about "wasting time" that could be better spent in productive and/or intellectual pursuits, you might think about getting an iPod or equivalent, if you don't have one. There is so much fascinating content that you can download now, not just music but radio shows and I'm sure lectures, books on tape, etc ... S. uses his workout time to catch up on his favorite radio show and thereby kills two birds with one stone.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I've been chewing on this for a few days, and while I think there may be some truth to this, I haven't had an "a ha" moment, either.
What I was wondering is whether all the self analysis, internal conversations and self criticism could be a deflection of you accepting who you are and becoming content with that.
This could be true. The basic fear of type 4s is "that they have no identity or personal significance." The basic desire is "to find themselves and their significance (to create an identity.)" So maybe all the analysis is part of the neverending quest to find myself. And I can honestly say that I really don't know who I am or what I want. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But I easily could list a bunch of activities that would make me happy if I had a day to myself with chores all done. In fact, I'd have a hard time deciding what to pick.
Once you settle down and know who you are and what you truly want, then you run the risk of getting it.
Are you saying that on some level I don't believe I deserve to be happy?
Then you become accountable because CAC will have the chance to truly know you and your vulnerabilities. As long as you stay a moving target, he can't really get a hold of you and you stay safe.
But I think cac does know me and my vulnerabilities, in that I have talked to him about all sorts of things that make me feel vulnerable. I do have a tendency, which comes from my FOO, to feel like I have to do things for myself and not impose on anyone (by asking for help), as that is a sign of weakness. But there have been plenty of times when I have felt vulnerable.
When we were dealing with infertility, I used to go to appointments by myself because I didn't want to ask cac to take time off from work. I didn't want to impose. So the first few times I had procedures done I was alone. I was being tough, not being a baby, keeping a stiff upper lip and all that. Then cac and I talked about it, and I realized that I really did want his support in the doctor's office, and that it was ok to feel vulnerable. He was happy to accompany me and he did from then on. When it came time for injectible meds, we decided that he would give me the shots. He still handles my twice weekly Enbrel shots, and even though I know I really should know how to do it myself, I really appreciate that he does this for me. (I admit that I'm afraid of giving myself shots.)
I remember the day the fertility doctor told me that my response to the meds was so poor and my odds of conceiving were so low that if I wanted to become pg and give birth, I should consider donor eggs. (We ultimately switched to another doctor, and we conceived S4 with one of my oldy moldy eggs.) I was so upset that I decided to take the day off from work, and I asked cac if he would stay home with me.
Then there was the time that cac was hospitalized for a week with a strange virus that caused a scary high fever. He told me in the hospital, the day before I was to undergo my first outpatient hand surgery, that the doctors thought he had endocarditis. I was afraid he was going to die. During my surgery I was not allowed to wear my wedding ring, and it upset me terribly to take it off. I asked my mother to put it on her hand. My mother took me to visit him that night; he was practically delirious and between my discomfort, nasty pain meds and seeing his condition I was a mess. My mother sat up with me well past midnight because I was too afraid to go to sleep. Nightime can make me feel vulnerable when I'm sick.
I also felt very vulnerable during my pg -- early on because I was afraid of losing the pg, and later because I felt so physically vulnerable.
I am afraid of becoming disabled. I am afraid that one day the insurance company will decide they no longer want to foot the bill for my $1800 per month arthritis medicine. I am afraid that cac's life could be cut short by his heart disease. I feel vulnerable not having a paying job and depending on him financially. I feel vulnerable writing posts like this!
OK. I see a pattern of how I have felt physically vulnerable many times. I also believe I have been emotionally vulnerable by opening up about my fears, doubts and concerns, and even about things I wanted to try. There have certainly been times when I've been honest about fears, and because they made no sense to cac, he dismissed them. I would promise myself that I would withhold my feelings from him in the future but I can't do it no matter how much I try.
I don't feel the intense emotional connection during sex that others here have described. Maybe that's because PT isn't my LL. I typically desire it for a physical release, or I desire it because I am already feeling connected to cac because of QT. I know it makes us closer, but that's because it makes cac feel closer to me, which makes him more affectionate and loving, which makes it more likely that I will feel connected to him and so on.
While it may seem that he is unable to meet your changing needs, could it be in part that you change those needs (even if it is unintentional due to your hypersensitivity)to prevent him from having the opportunity to met them?
I think it's quite possible that I used to do this, back in the days when I had changing laundry lists that were impossible for cac to meet. I think I have changed a lot and I don't think I'm really doing this now. Back then, my changing lists I think had to do with the fact that I *wasn't* being honest with cac and myself about my true needs and I wasn't setting any boundaries at all. I'm doing a lot better with that, so my laundry lists have largely disappeared (I think).
What I sense is that you are becoming dissatisfied with the lack of affection that comes from always dodging CAC, of having the "freedom" to always get up and leave a situation once it becomes uncomfortable (even if it is due to hypersensitivity). The safety of being elusive turns out to be not so safe. But to truly become safe, you may have to do the opposite of what you've been doing and stand still long enough to know yourself, become acclimated to your senses and whatever irritates you, and then let CAC truly know you, which will make you vulnerable.
I started responding to this, but decided I can't, because I don't quite get what you're saying, especially your first sentence. Sometimes I need it spelled out. cac sometimes has to explain comic strips to me because I don't get them.
I agree that SAHM is not the ideal job for me. However, I will not be having more kids, and S4 will be in school all day in a couple of years, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I do plan to go back to work then, so right now I'm trying to figure out what I want to do.
As for the exercise, yes, of course I know it would be good for me, on many levels. I just have to make the commitment to do it. When S4 returns to preschool in a few weeks I'll have 3 mornings to myself, so I'm trying to formulate a plan for incorporating exercise into my day. We actually have a treadmill in the house, so it's just a matter of doing it. I also happened to talk to an acquaintance today about exercise and she told me about Curves.
Honestly, I find it hard to imagine anyone really enjoying exercise, but I understand that people (like you) like the challenge and the competitiveness of sports.
Lil - thanks for the ADD article. It was interesting, and actually seems to be relevant to many folks in troubled Rs, not just those with ADD.
Ket - thanks for your thoughts and the article on exercise. Very interesting!
When S4 returns to preschool in a few weeks I'll have 3 mornings to myself, so I'm trying to formulate a plan for incorporating exercise into my day.
I think that is an excellent idea. Its ok to be a little selfish and take care of yourself at times!
We actually have a treadmill in the house, so it's just a matter of doing it. I also happened to talk to an acquaintance today about exercise and she told me about Curves.
I recommend going to Curves, or any other gym where you will be comfortable. It is hard enough to force yourself to go to the gym on a regular basis and even harder to workout on your own at home. It does take personal discipline and with kids, there are so many other higher priorities. Make as many workout buddies as you can at Curves and find someone who will hound you to show up. That will take care of the discipline problem. A circle of regular friend will make the time more fun, which will address some of the motivation problem. You might find going to the gym becomes the highlight of your day.
What I sense is that you are becoming dissatisfied with the lack of affection that comes from always dodging CAC, of having the "freedom" to always get up and leave a situation once it becomes uncomfortable (even if it is due to hypersensitivity). The safety of being elusive turns out to be not so safe. But to truly become safe, you may have to do the opposite of what you've been doing and stand still long enough to know yourself, become acclimated to your senses and whatever irritates you, and then let CAC truly know you, which will make you vulnerable.
OK, I was trying to be PC and sugar coat this….but maybe you’ve already answered my questions. What I was wondering was not whether you felt you deserve to be happy, because I think you do believe you should be happy, but whether you know what it feels like to have that happiness, attention and comfort from CAC that you say you want.
For instance, my wife makes all sorts of claims about what she wants from me, but I find that so many times when she is close to getting it, she finds a way to sabotage it or deflect the moment somehow. Knowing that you want intimacy and having the ability to accept it and stay in that intimate moment are two different things.
I’m not saying you do this, but one method is to create some side distraction that can escalate into an argument and thus cut short a moment that was becoming too intimate. To save face, the avoider can use the excuse that the other person, the pursuer, reacted to the avoider’s deflection and it was really the pursuer’s fault that the moment collapsed. The avoider actually finds sufficient soothing in the pursuit, and too much intimacy when s/he is caught and things get close. So staying elusive is the safe zone.
What I was wondering is whether your hypersensitivity has unconsciously developed into a convenient distraction for you. When things become uncomfortable (too intimate), I bet your sensitivity heightens and all you can think about is that itchy shirt or the room being too hot or CAC smelling too much. I was wondering if such a fallback hypersensitivity actually gives you a backdoor way of escape from getting too close.
I know you WANT to be close but can you actually ENDURE being close. Like Corri has mentioned a few times, think about how it will feel to get what you want. If you’ve never really had it, it might feel uncomfortable when you do get it and not like what you imagined.
That’s all I was getting at… just a guess on my part.
