I am now going through the hardest thing I have ever done. I have been married two years to the man of my dreams, BUT my dreams were shattered when i discovered he has been cheating on me. It was a one time thing and he has told me over and over how he hates what he has done...even before I found out he had totally reverted back to the man I first fell in love with. We had fallen into a slump and I knew it, but I had no idea it was that bad.....I started a new career ust s few short months ago, and he says he felt neglected and alone. But the ironic part to me is that he was the one to incourage me to follow my dreams of being an interior designer...he helped me go back to school to get my degree....now the thing he pushed so hard and stood behind me to accomplish...now he says is one of the reasons he strayed. I am very hurt, very disappointed and trying to cope. I love him very much and want tokeep this marriage together, any suggestions on how to deal with this built up anger that I am feeling ....I know lashing out at him will not help our relationship any...and I do not want revenge...I just want a little piece and harmony in my head
M 35 H 44 D 21,D 18,D 17, D 15, D 13, D 11, D 10, S 9 BOMB DROPPED 7/16/07 STILL TOGETHER, TRYING TO WORK IT OUT H ENDED A WITH Ow 7/15/07
OK, first off, this is NOT your fault! He needs you to be the "reason" for the incident because if he's the source of the problem, he might have to dig a little deeper to what's really making him hurt. Maybe he feels inadequate now that you're achieving your dreams because he isn't? The main thing is, there is some deeper issue that hurt him enough to go to someone else than you getting a degree and a great job.
Maybe my husband could tell you better how to deal with the anger since I was the unfaithful wife, but here's my take: let go of the anger for YOUR sake, rather than his. Your anger hurts you probably even more than him. When you feel that pressure start to build try to step back and say, "I value my own sanity.I will not destroy myself with bitterness." it sounds silly and simplistic, but try it. Say it aloud if you can. Sometimes just hearing the words can make you realize it takes way too much out of you to be angry all the time.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
I know it hurts like a sucker punch to the stomack each day, but each day, week, will get better and you'll be one step closer to healing. If you are not going to counceling do it NOW, my H and I have done progress after our C session Monday (I discovered op back with him again on friday)
And the book "healing the hurt in your marriage" was a life saver to me too, you need to fill your mind with positive reads and not let your mind wallow in negative thoughts, in rehashing the events of the A. You CAN train your mind to lead you away from hurtful and unproductive thought to a place where you can heal.
What's past is past. Your husband had feelings for another woman, and he was emotionally messed up (impaired), so his feelings were messed up too. Our feelings often follow our actions (because we have to begin to think differently in order to act differently). Today is what matters, and the future, not that brief moment in time when your husband screwed up royally (which did not make you a lesser person of a lesser value - it made him lesser). Today your husband has intense feelings for you and he is learning and doing the actions necessary to keep growing in his intense feelings for you.
You can leave if you want, and perhaps find another man who you've shared nothing with so far, who is not the father of your children and who also once had intense feelings for another woman (or has something wrong with him at this age), and what will you gain?
Why not let go of the past? So it's got an ugly black spot on it. I don't think there is a person out there who doesn't have an ugly black spot of some sort on their past. How well you handle rejection is part of what makes you a beautiful woman (or man) to be admired.
This is your life. Take what you want. Do you love your husband/wife? Does he/she have intense feelings for you today? Has he/she learned from his/her mistake and changed his/her behavior to ensure he/she always has intense feelings for you exclusively from this day forward? Then don't let your past rob you of what belongs to you today. As in the Robin Williams movie, Dead Poets Society, "Carpe Diem!" Seize the day!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for the site will check it out...each day is getting better and better. H is making many efforts to assure me that he has learned from his mistakes and wants to spend the rest of his life making me happy. I feel we have grown form this disaster and are learning to listen and love each other all over again. Even though I do still have bad days.....they are getting to be fewer and fewer.
M 35 H 44 D 21,D 18,D 17, D 15, D 13, D 11, D 10, S 9 BOMB DROPPED 7/16/07 STILL TOGETHER, TRYING TO WORK IT OUT H ENDED A WITH Ow 7/15/07
Do not bury your thoughts, feeling and emotions! Let them out. Bring them to your H and communicate them to him. If need be come here and share them, develop a plan to communicate them and then do it!
The feelings you sweep under the rug do not go away, they remain until they are put to rest. Your H is an honorable man, putting his efforts in the M. I applaude him! REconciliation is a long road. With two committed partners, one to support the other, the journey is less treacherous.
Glad to see you back, let us know how we can help.
A bad day today....H talking in his sleep as I tried to wake him for work....called me the OW name......says he never thinks of her...has no desire to be with her...but this was a big slap in the face for me...what do I say to that? How do I deal with that...that is the first time I have heard him say her name....It felt like a dagger through my heart...just as things seemed to be going so well...WHAM!!!!Do I cry ...or do I scream...or how about both? AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I HATE these feelings.....hurt, betrayal, lonliness, saddness, heart break....this is supposed to be the man of my dreams...not the man who shatters them.....He was the one who promised to love me through it all... to grow old with me....I have this strong urge to go hunt down this woman and see just what it is about her to make the man I love turn his back on me....to toally disregard my feelings for her.....what does she have that I didn't????? To make matters worse my ex is trying to take custody of my three kids!!!!Feel like my whole world is trying to crash down around me.....the weight is getting pretty darn heavy on these weak shoulders.....feel like I am about to crumble.......but don't know how to let it go....really rough day today....:(
M 35 H 44 D 21,D 18,D 17, D 15, D 13, D 11, D 10, S 9 BOMB DROPPED 7/16/07 STILL TOGETHER, TRYING TO WORK IT OUT H ENDED A WITH Ow 7/15/07
Our situations are similar reecegirl. Well the beginning of our 'demises' are. I had the 'good' job, worked a lot and he supported me, But apparently I became unavailable at home. I knew we were bumpy, but didn't know how unhappy H was, and he had an A too. Here's where you and I are different though, H is still unsure about me, and is still in communication with OW. I am so glad that you guys can give it a shot. And I totally agree, don't hide your feelings. You are entitled to them (just express them calmly) just as he is entitled to his.
What a bummer about the talking in his sleep thing. What a way to start a day. I am so sorry. I also hope things work out with your kids. Keep us posted.
While I don't condone him saying her name, I do want you to step back for a moment. I was TERRIFIED when my husband and I began to reconcile that at some intimate moment I would say my ex-OM's name, especially during a sexual encounter or in my sleep! While I would tell him in the least threatening way you can find that hearing her name hurt you, please try not to dwell on it. She was a part of his life for a time, and our minds are strange places. He really may not think about her at all consciously, and then suddenly her name pops out of his mouth in his sleep. We're not in control of what our unconcious mind is sorting through nor can we know in what context the name came up.
She did not "have something you don't". It was a flaw in HIM that led him to stray, not something lacking in you! Don't allow yourself to think that way, it hurts and it's way off base.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
Sorry to hear about your H's sleep talikng. In reality, this is to be expected in some form. Meaning, he had some form of attachment to the OW. As with any form of addiction, he is experiencing a form of withdrawl. The addiction provided a form of excitement, secrecy, thrill, etc... that he is now withdrawing from. I want you to know this is totaly normal for your H. The positive of this is, it is WITHDRAWL. The beginning of the end. The other positive is, it is just words. You are able to SEE his actions. Observe those far more than words.
I understand how this hurts.(you posted at 1 am!) Any mention of OW is going to cut to the bone. I would suggest you talk to him about this. When you decide to, make sure you are in the best emotional place you can be. Rehearse a couple of scenarios through your head. Try to anticipate his responses and then your reaction. This will accomplish numerous things. 1. It will let you communicate to him how hurt you are when the OW is mentioned. 2. You will be able to get this event out in the open and not keep the intense emotions associated with it inside. 3. You will get to see the actions he portrays to you when you discuss the issue. and 4. It gives you a great opportunity to show him your strength in wishing to discuss the most difficult issues. This will be a valuable tool for both of you as you reconcile your M. No matter the sensitivity of the issue, get it out there and come up with a solution together. In short COMMUNICATE.
....I know lashing out at him will not help our relationship any...and I do not want revenge...I just want a little piece and harmony in my head 
What a way to start a day. I am so sorry. I also hope things work out with your kids. Keep us posted.