I don't know if it helps to have company, but the OP *always* reappears after the first time that the A is supposed to have ended. Yes, really, always, at least in any case I have ever seen. Generally, people are convinced that their case is an exception. Unfortunately, they are proven wrong with uniform consistency.
The OP being gone in the long run takes a long time and many more lies/omissions/broken commitments to get through.
The point is: pretty much any M that has been healed on these boards involved an OP, and involved an OP reappearing repeatedly.
It is your choice whether to close the door on your M. I just want to let you know that nothing has really changed in your sitch, except your perspective, by your discovery.
Personally, I don't think you are anywhere near closing the door on your M. But, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't put down some firm boundaries and enforce them regarding your R with W.
Sorry you found that. But it's probably for the best. You deserve to know the truth about your own life. I agree that you should ask her who that is, to be sure you're not jumping to conclusions. But when they refuse to work on the marriage, it's usually because they are hiding an affair.
Try & keep what you said a while back in mind Heimlich;
Quote:
It'd almost be a relief to know that she was seing OM still.
It's totally understandable that you feel you have hit your limit after your newest discovery.
From what I've read on other's threads & different sites, only about 10% of WAS's ultimately end up with the OP. In fact, it's more common for the LBS to throw in the towel, there by ending the M. Just something to keep in mind.
It does take for us to push through & put the "hurt" to the side. More than anything, it seems the OP issue is the toughest to deal with & there appears to almost always be one in the picture, even, as OT says, the ones that are mended/mending.
Heed OT, ImLin, Atlas, and sunny's advice, Heim. I respect your decision either way, because only you know where to draw the line. Just make sure there are no regrets on your end of things. Know you DBed to the fullest and tried everything. Be able to live with calling it quits and moving on.
I called her. I know, not DBing, but didn't care. If he's in her life, I'm not. She said it's emotional, not physical now. Not sure if I believe her. Had a long conversation, I expressed a recommittment, even knowing this new piece of info (WTF is wrong with me?), asked her point blank what do you think would happen if, instead of confiding in other people, we'd confide in each other first. That I have a good feeling and a rock solid belief that we'd be able to reconnect. She was crying a little. Wasn't entirely calm in the beginning, hung up on her once after calling her something to the effect of a liar and cheater and someone I'd be better off without. Dishonest or something. Said she needed to sleep elsewhere. Called back, said sleep at home, it's fine.
D9 overheard some of it. W just walked in. Going to tell them now.
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Hope all goes well -- we're here for you, brotha! Please consider all that has been posted to you recently, and do your best to utilize the 48 hr rule at all times.
Sorry if you've made this clear elsewhere, but do you mean that literally or that if he is you won't be? If the latter, it sounds like you've got clarity there.
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
(WTF is wrong with me?)
Absolutely nothing. It sounds like this was an emotional conversation, and that your patience is at an end right now.
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
asked her point blank what do you think would happen if, instead of confiding in other people, we'd confide in each other first. That I have a good feeling and a rock solid belief that we'd be able to reconnect. She was crying a little.
Did she have anything to say about your question?
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
Wasn't entirely calm in the beginning, hung up on her once after calling her something to the effect of a liar and cheater and someone I'd be better off without. Dishonest or something. Said she needed to sleep elsewhere.
You spoke in anger, and you were honest. Was this intended as a kick in the pants or did you lose it?
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. This is all awful. Take care of yourself, and your daughter. Good luck. I'm thinking about you.
Quit chasing, quit pursuing, quit telling her what you want, quit telling her what she would want, quit reassuring her that you will be there in case she wants to wipe her a$$ with you, and so on.
Back off.
"I know it's not DBing" = "I know this was counterproductive and sent W farther away, but I felt like damaging my chance to reconcile with W anyway."
How about: "W, I can see you are not committed to our M right now. I understand you need time and space to figure out what you want. It is important that you have that -- neither of us wants an R in which one partner feels coerced. So, I am backing off and giving that space and time to you. It is not healthy for me to stay more into our R than you are. Take as much time and space as you need to figure out what you want, I will do the same. It is important that whatever kind of R we have in the future that it be freely chosen."
More helpful advice, given you will obsessing madly over your sitch for sometime.
... Put that energy into reading ALL of Grasshopper's threads...
That should keep you busy. It might also help to see why exactly your actions are self-sabotaging if you follow him through to the other side of this stuff.
I am sorry to hear about your discovery but I don't think it changes anything. If there is any chance at reconcilliation with your wife down the road you need to back off like OT said.
Only you will know if you really want things to work out. I believe you do and I know you can get past this but you need to listen to the good advice that people are giving you.
