Nomopo's Thread - Is something happening to me?

[SDFoundGirl]

Not totally caught up on your sitch, but I just wanted to make one comment.

It was when *I* was fully ready to move on, to let H go, that he started to recommit. Literally...the weekend I was contemplating moving on in the form of dating a friend who could have been much more, H stepped it up.

As long as you are focused on YOU and what YOU want and acting on those things instead of fear or W or whatever, there are no wrong actions. We must be true to ourselves in the end.

Good luck!

SD

[Puddle]

Hey Nomopo!

When we have a history, and esp. a family, with someone, it's an every day choice for us to make that decision/that willingness to compromise

This is a great reminder. Sometimes I wonder how much endurance I really have, and I guess I'm learning a lot about that now.

Puddle - we are becoming pretty good friends, huh?

Right back atcha.

One positive about the change in feelings is I feel MUCH more detached on the OM issue... This is good because I burned way too much energy on the OM issue for a long time.

I'm so glad for you. I'm about 100 steps behind you there, though I'm not obsessive. I think one really useful thing for me has been also having had a crush on someone and realizing even then that it had very little to do with that person, but everything to do with what I was missing in my R with DH. This knowledge (and empathy) helps me keep the focus off OW. I don't know why some people come to that conclusion while others see only stars in their eyes.

Detachment has been the hardest thing for me to understand. I think you can't control it, and you can't understand it until it has happened.

Oh gawd, I hate these hard-to-understand things. I understand what it is, but the how-to-get-there part that isn't about "getting" it drives me nuts. Too much thinking? Probably.

Even if we were to turn things around right now, there is plenty to mourn. We have lost a lot already.

I'm with you on that. When I think about the list of things there are to work on in my M, then add to it the body blow my trust in and respect for DH has taken, it can be overwhelming.

In fact, there was lots about our M to mourn when she dropped the bomb; I just didn't know it.

Here's hoping, for you and everyone here, that we all get to turn that around.

Maybe I can think less over the next few weeks. I'll be curious where things stand by October 1.

I'll be interested to hear how that goes, and your secret if it works! I hope you're having a wonderfully relaxing and fun time with your kids.

As long as you are focused on YOU and what YOU want and acting on those things instead of fear or W or whatever, there are no wrong actions. We must be true to ourselves in the end.

Thanks, SD, for putting it so succinctly. I don't know how long I'll have to do this consciously, but I'm hoping for the day it feels more real.

Take care, Nomopo.

[Reincarnated]

Nomo--
I hope that you found the Mouse and his friends ok--have a GREAT week with the kiddos! Keeping that focus will be great for you.

You know that your W is still thinking things through--she is still in counseling, which is a huge thing that I believe that all WASs need. Getting back to time and space seems to be the way to go, and I agree that letting her know about the change in you is important. I have told H that I am on the same path as he has been on; he is only a little farther up ahead. But that all of the things that he has gone through are things that I am going through, and he knows full well how things feel for him at the moment. I am afraid that I will reach that point before he comes to a new and/or different understanding.

I do empathize with your recent changes--I went through a lot with our DB weekend together, and the following week. The crying and desperation has stopped. I have accepted that I cannot control his ideas, thoughts or actions, and that these are his choices to make. I can accept them even if I don't agree with them.

I let go. I can feel it. And it is a scary idea for me, since I have had to do this before with my sister. It's a long story, but after my mom died, sis decided that having R and loving anyone was just too hard when they could suddenly leave or die, so she broke away from me, as well as everyone else in the family. I was sad, but I let her go the day she told me. I said that I didn't want to be the one who caused her pain--I only wanted her to find happiness, somewhere in this world. And I let her know that she would always have a sister, somewhere out there, who loved her and would welcome her home, no matter how much time slipped by.

That was 3 years ago. I haven't seen or heard from her since.

But this is the risk that we have to take. I just told H yesterday that it is a shame; it didn't have to be this way. He answered yeah, but it is. So, it is.

Moving forward with ya, big man. Hope you can drop by my thread and see what's been up. I am finally getting my out-of-control emotions in check.

I can't remember; were you up for a fall leaf-peeping tour of CT sometime in Oct?

[SunnySeason]

It was when *I* was fully ready to move on, to let H go, that he started to recommit

SD tells us what we're coming to learn ourselves.....WAS's take on a "dog like" quality where they sense fear, or that we're not fully letting go, even if it's incredibly subtle.

Following up your last session where your detachment was reveled with a trip away with the kids will give her a chance to imagine herself as the outsider. Someone not included in your life, and the possibility that you may even share it with another women at some point. I think a WAS doesn't do this until the focus gets away from thinking that you're safely on the shelf, if & when they should want you again.

Keep up the great PMA Nomo, your picnic is attracting a lot of attention.

Definitely Upward,

Sunny

[Sara]

Hi Nomo,

La Nouba was great last night. If you get a chance, you should take the kids. I heard kids laughing a lot through the performance.

[delia]

Following up your last session where your detachment was reveled with a trip away with the kids will give her a chance to imagine herself as the outsider. Someone not included in your life, and the possibility that you may even share it with another women at some point. I think a WAS doesn't do this until the focus gets away from thinking that you're safely on the shelf, if & when they should want you again.

That seems very true!

[dlt1]

Oh how I hope so! I can see a ray of hope as we divide things up, that W does not comprehend the magnitude of the Big D. I caught a glimpse that she may just think I will still be there in some fashion. I found myself walking a fine line between pushing away, but also offering support as a friend or sibling would. My balance isn't the greatest, so I expect many falls on either side.
Hope the mouse is treating you well!

[alk24]

Great points SD and Sunny. It gives us all hope, not just the hope that we can recocile w/ our WASs but the hope that we well really be ok in the end.

[walkingcliche]

Hello WC. Your post made me laugh.

Excellent. Hope I can do it again sometime.

Though I always miss you, I'm sooooooooo glad you haven't been around for awhile. Enjoy them kids.

[Gone Dancin']

I agree, WC -- I'm sure this break is good for you Nomo. Have fun spending this quality time with the kids. I can't wait to hear an update on your communication with W when you return. Hope all is well in that department, and that your still doing well emotionally.

GD