Corri with one being the happiest you could imagine yourself. One being the happiest sounds like an Inverted scale so I want to start the scale at 0=shoot me, and have 10 the happiest, riding the Ceader Point Coaster with my lover and being in an endorphin rush.
Superficial, day to day, what others see, 6-8.
What I feel when laying in bed with BB a 4 sometimes, if things go well maybe a 7. Most of the time with the frustrating feelings I have because of other people around a 6.
When I leave other people out of the equation I can go to an 7-8 really fast. Being with someone that is in the grove with me, a 9-10 in short order.
It really doesn’t take a lot of things to perk me up. The people around me that have their “I have to be me” “accept me for who I am, as is” attitude/MO is OK to a point. Too much of it gets to me.
Lil If not now, when? I hear you. I have to get out of my own way sometimes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the book, Two types of Nice Guys: ( me in italics) The "I'm so bad" Nice Guy is convinced everyone can see how bad he is. He can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking windows (not me) and getting whippings( got pleanty of those ) as a little boy. He will reveal running afoul of the law and making his mother cry when he was a teenager(not me). He will tell tales of smoking, drinking, using drugs and carousing as an adult (not me). He is convinced his only hope for having any kind of happiness in life lies in trying his best to mask his inherent badness. He never really believes anyone will buy into his Nice Guy persona, but doesn't think he has any other choice (not me).
The second kind of Nice Guy is the "I'm so good" Nice Guy. This man handles his toxic shame by repressing his core belief about his worthlessness (I got worth wileness by working). He believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. ( not the nicest, but very decent). If he is conscious of any perceived flaws, they are seen as minor and easily correctable. As a child he was never a moment's problem. As a teen he did everything right (except school home work). As an adult, he follows all the rules to a "T"
This Nice Guy has tucked his core toxic shame into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious mind. He masks his toxic shame with a belief that all the good things he does make him a good person ( yes, why not?).
Even though the two kinds of Nice Guys may differ in their conscious awareness of their toxic shame, both operate from the same life paradigm. All Nice Guys believe they are not OK ( some thing is missing ) just as they are, and therefore must hide their flaws ( try harder ) and become what they believe other people want them to be. ( do/things to be more like what I think people see me as and big time on doing things right, playing fair, doing what is respectable).
I make the distinction between the two kinds of Nice Guys to help both see their distortions. Neither is as bad or good as they believe themselves to be. They are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the inaccurate perceptions of the events of their childhood.
I am the second type of NG.
QOE100/ Jill Is working a safety net that allows you the excuse to not pursue some of these interests? Working is/was a way to advance. Not working was a way to gradually lose what progress I made.
Not working for 3 years after my second major back injury was more stressful and difficult than going to collage, but I had to do both (not work and go to college) at the same time.
It boils down I have so much time and effort invested in work pursuits, switching gears feels like the opposite of what most of my adult life’s goals have been.
