Just checking in. I see you are doing better with detaching and letting W have her space. I know its not very considerate of her not to call about staying overnight somewhere. She said she fell asleep. Legit reason but still doesn't do much to ease your mind. Good job not making a big deal out of it.
Any exciting GAL'ing this weekend?
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Thanks for checking in. I must have caught what you had yesterday because I am pretty down today. Just reviewing my situation and it feels like I am not getting anywhere. Feels like I am stuck in a rut with no movement one way or the other. Just making me wonder how long this is going to last. All my friends and her family-my family does not know the issues we are having- are surprised I have let it last this long. And our anniversary is coming up on Monday, and she has not mentioned anything about it. Unfortunately I am stuck at work today so there is not much I can do to take my mind off situation. Work definitely does not do it. Tonight I think I might go golfing or something like that.
There have been some small positives. She has been home every night since Monday. She has been a bit less averse to inadvertant touching. The past few days she has even moved over in the bed to be closer to me (or so I would like to think). Big change from when you could fit an Abrams Tank between us in our little bed. She doesn't recoil like she used to if I roll over and our legs wind up touching.
I am going to write my anniversary letter to her tonight and put it in our box. The box has a picture frame top and she had put her favorite pictures from our wedding in them. It is engraved with our names and the date of our wedding. It is kind of depressing. I was looking at it last night. Reminds me of how far we have fallen. Having a hard time keeping a PMA today. I have to keep this letter I write positive. Might need to do a couple of drafts to make sure I get it right, even though I don't expect her to read it anytime soon.
Quote:
Any exciting GAL'ing this weekend?
Unfortunately I don't have anything exciting planned. I was kind of hoping she would come up with something to do for our anniversary. She has not even mentioned it since a few weeks ago and that was only to get out of going to a barbecue at my uncle's house. What do you think I should do? Mention it? Ask her what she wants to do for it? Or just go along and not mention it either? My expectations are in the basement right now because I don't want to deal with the disappointment. I guess I'd better go out tonight and get her something small and something a bit nicer so I can be prepared. It will be interesting to see if she gets me anything. I hadn't even thought about that until right now. I wonder what she is going to do for it.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
When I was first reading on here, there was a bit of back and forth of how to treat an anniversary. The consensus was either a small token gift or a handwritten note on a blank card basically just acknowledgeing the day. No romantic stuff. I did that and kept it simple, something like "Thanks for the memories, laughs, and love" or somethign like that. I cribbed it from that thread (no idea where it is).
Make some plans for yourself this weekend that you could include the W in if she mentions anything. Maybe taking yourself out to dinner and a movie, play, walk in the park, zoo, whatever. Again, just a low-key plan that she could join in on.
Anything else is probably going to be perceived as pressure.
Stay patient. You're doing great on detaching and it does look like a few positive baby steps.
What about starting a new thread asking specifically how others have handled their anniversary?
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Well, not such a good start to the weekend. Got a text from her at 12 saying she was going for a couple drinks and would be home in a bit. Well, I bet you can guess. She is not home yet and I have not heard from her. Bars close at 4 in NY. So when it got to be 4:30, I called her. She didn't answer. Still haven't heard from her. I know I probably shouldn't have called, but I was worried.
Tomorrow is basically going to be a waste for us. She is going to sleep all day recovering from tonight. This is aggravating.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
Okay. Feeling pretty down. Friend of ours from college called last night to wish happy anniversary. He knows vaguely what is going on. Well, while he was talking with her last night, he asked her if things were getting better. She said no. I'd like to chalk that up to alien spew, you know believe nothing of what they say. Maybe she doesn't want to give me false hope. He was one of my closest friends in college and still is. She knows he was going to turn around and tell me whatever she said. I don't know. It seems like things are just not going to get better.
Going back to Friday night and the no calling issue (again), she came home Saturday morning about 8:00 am. She said that she was on the couch one minute at her friends house and the next she woke up in the morning. That is twice this week that she did not call when she said she would. And she told me she would be coming home on Friday night and she didn't. Just seems that she could care less at this point.
I suspect more than ever that there is another person involved. I think I need to have some sort of confirmation one way or another on that. I cannot keep thinking that she is trying and this may work out if she is with someone else. If that is the case, then I really need to rethink what I am doing.
Yesterday we went to my parents' house for a barbecue (she slept until after 2 pm-I went out and played golf to get out of the house, otherwise I would have gone crazy). My mother had a cake for our anniversary. Things were okay. We got home about 10 last night and she immediately went into the bedroom to sleep. She is still in bed now. Maybe if she was not out until all hours of the night Friday, she would have a little more energy right now.
I feel like I have had enough of this. Her actions lately have displayed to me that she has little if any respect for me. That is something that I cannot deal with. I think I need to take some power back. Maybe set some boundaries. Her mother thinks I am giving too much. That W is able to basically have things both ways. She has the stability of a home life when she wants it, can purchase anything that she desires, and also has the ability to basically go out and act like a teenager with no responsibility for her actions and no accountability.
I am at a loss.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
Yes you need to set boundaries if you can pin her down long enough and if she is awake.
In my case, and every case is different, when I spoke to my H who was using the place as a hotel, I told him that if he was living with me there were certain boundaries (which I spelled out). If he couldn't show me that consideration he would have to leave. His response was something about it being a bit drastic that he had to leave.
In the main he does not cross the boundaries. (BUT we are at a completetly different stage now.)
and get an eye full, eye candy is better than NO CANDY.