thanks all. mk, not sure it was a 180...its pretty much what I had been doing off/on prior to finding db. only this time, I ended our marriage. that is very much anti-db, isn't it?
I can't believe I did it. I can't believe it. I cried to a few friends on the phone for a long time last night. they are all so supportive, but most have no real idea what I am going thru.
I look like death this morning, tried to put some make-up on to cover the dark circles, if only so I don't look like a total troll when H gets here. but honestly, it doesn't matter, and the best of coverup didn't help, so letting that go, too. just trying to get myself so I am "up" for when my kids get here. I think I have around an hour to get there.
thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it. I guess what I need to do now is really work on putting him behind me. I was talking to a girlfriend and said maybe its kind of like when you first start exercising. I was on bedrest for several months when pg with the twins, then completely exhausted after having them. I didn't start w/o again until they were nearly a year. when I did, oh how it hurt...it was hard, and it was exhausting, and I had to literally drag myself to the gym kicking and screaming. but then I got stronger, and started having fun with it again, and it got better, and I love how I feel when I w/o, and how I look because of it. so maybe finally putting H behind me will be like that...I just have to drag myself thru the motions at first, but I will get stronger, and it will get easier.
I have been doing some stuff, of course, lots of GAL stuff. but its all been with saving our marriage in mind. I need to really let it go now. not just talk about maybe letting it go. I need to really do it.
packing my rings away in their boxes after I post this. later, I'm going to pack up all the love letters/wedding stuff/H reminders that are in my closet. I'm not going to throw them away...maybe the kids will like seeing them someday. but I am going to pack them up and stick them in a far corner of the basement. I'm tempted to pull out our christmas totes and separate our ornaments. but that's a bit overkill, think I'll save that fun for when it gets closer to christmas. will do it after the kids go to bed some night. light a fire in the fireplace, pour some wine, and have a good wallow as I do it.
wow, how sad is that image?
enough. enough. I need to perk up. I'll have 3 energetic little ones coming thru this door and I will not let them see me this way.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
morgan, I am glad to see you this morning. I knew it would be a long, dark night for you. I wonder how your exchange will be with H.
I don't think you should think of your marriage as 'over', just yet. I really don't. Your H was very emotional last night as well, because he doesn't know what he wants. I understand the 'closure' things are you doing (rings, letters), and those things you might need to do. But maybe there is still some hope, if you want H still.
The working out image and getting over our H's is a really good comparison. I totally get what you mean about doing all this GAL stuff, going through the motions even when we didn't want to, all to try and change ourselves FOR our marriage. The realization that it might not work out is very hard to deal with.
I will be thinking of you today and hoping you can have a great day with your kids.
I wanted to say that I would be so SICK and UPSET if I found out that my H had someone watch the kids so he could go on a date. I totally understand that. He was trying to protect you, sure, but he still did it. Fog, I tell you. FOG
it did not go well today. it didn't. omg, I am heartsick. I am ill. he pushed to talk, then got mad when we did. I pushed him to finally own up to the truth for once...that I deserved it. that if he cared for me even the slightest bit, if the last 13 years meant anything to him, then I deserved to know the truth, so I could work on letting him go.
yep, he's sleeping with her again. and yeah, he blames me for it. love how he does it. she went away with him to the lake last weekend.
funny, I knew all this, but still I am crushed. I am absolutely crushed.
he said that he wasn't sure he could wait to introduce the kids to OW until after papers are signed. I got upset, but then, it doesn't really matter what he tells me, good or bad, he's going to do what he wants. I told him that, and he tried to backtrack, tried to say that he would do what I wished in this case. but ya know what, he's going to do whatever he wants, so I need to let it go.
omg, I can't stop crying. I can't. I am broken.
he had the gall to say that he was having a hard time letting me go, too. omg, I can't believe he said that. what an ass. he has done NOTHING to save this marriage, not one thing. he has done nothing. he has only pursued her....one after her. loved her. and for him to say that to me is cruel. it is beyond cruel.
I am not well right now. not well at all. I can't seem to find my breath.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
oh morgan, I wish I could come play with your kiddos so you can have yourself a good cry and a good long nap. You deserve both (and more!) today! Any chance of someone watching the kids for a bit, so you can pull your thoughts together? Easier said than done, I know.
My heart breaks for you. I am just so very sad. You have tried so hard, wanted so much, put yourself LAST (kids first, marriage second, then you), all to get a slap in the face. And yes, isn't it weird how we know the answers to things, but when we hear them from H's, its worse?
The thing you said about him doing what he wants is very true. I have tried so hard to get that through my skull, that no matter what I want or even try to convey, H is going to do what he wants. I mean, look at us now, this situation for both of us is not what we want (even you asking H to move out, you wouldn't have ever wanted that), but we are living through it. Kids meeting OW? OW babysitting? BARF, big huge BARF!!!!
I can only hope that if you have to go through with this, you can continue to GAL, even if its going through the motions numbly, until you realize that you are lovable, worthy, beautiful, strong, a wonderful stable mom, trustsworthy, moral, a great friend, an organized and focused person. Our H's sure don't make us feel this way, so its up to us now.
H better feel regrets and hesitation. But here's the thing. If our H's don't say these things to us or show them, how are we supposed to know? Plus, their actions are very obvious, in our face, and hurtful.
Big huge hugs!! Open those windows, do some quiet activities for the kids' sake, and get through til bedtime. Time to cry, time to organize thoughts.
Honey focus on your positives. Tell me, do you want a man like this? A man who won't stand up for his marriage and fight for his family? Believe me, that's where I am right now. I'm so angry he won't stand up for his family. And yet - I'm sad for him too. All the things he misses because of his "internal" stuff and not the right kind of love for me - whatever. He's the one missing out. So focus on your kids - have a great day with them, play outside. Do something fun....and then tonight, after they're in bed, let it all out. ((((((Morgan)))))))
You can email me if you wanna talk.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Your H is a complete A$$! How can he for one second blame you for his actions of having an A. Did you go out and find some tramp for him to sleep with and force him to do it. I think not. What a spineless turd. If you ask me a man like that is not worth fighting for. You deserve better and there is some one better out there for you.
I really fell crushed for you. To me there is nothing harder to deal with then your S involved in an A. It is the cowards way out. Stay strong and do not accept any of the blame he is trying to put on you for his actions.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Morgan, Get a hold of yourself! Find that strength and humor inside your core. I know this is your life, mine too, but there is something in your core that shows you are better than all this Bull###t. This stuff is ridiculous. I was reading up all night. I could not sleep either. See you got a girl in CA up with you!
I found this about another book by Homer on dating other people. Yeah, yeah, another self help book. But it says to agree with everything. It frees you up so much. Just switch it! Instead of saying why didn't you give me a choice, say thanks, they wil have fun with Granny and we both deserve a night off sometimes. Sounds like BS but then he has no where to go with that.Please look at this review of Homer's book from the Newcomers' Forum. Homer
Quote:
Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.
2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.
You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.
Agree with their negative feelings - whatever they are.
"Yes, this relationship is hopeless."
"Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct."
Do not defend yourself.
Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.
The status quo - as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct - that you all were getting too serious too fast - or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.
This uses jujitsu, and it always works.
Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.
You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.
Now, this does not mean no contact.
If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.
You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk.
Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.
Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.
You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.
"When do you want me to pick the kids up?"
Or, "Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?"
These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.
Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.
Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."
Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."
I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."
"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."
"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"
"Yeah, I want her back."
"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."
And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
Agree with them, quickly.
Why?
Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.
If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it! _________________________ OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
- Albert Einstein
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I know it feels sad to look at those little faces after a blow up like that. Sometimes it is a consolation to be with them and sometimes it makes it worse for some reason. They are so young and it is so difficult to always have on a happy face for them. If you need to find a sitter or put on a video, do it.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
thanks, all. I've been packing stuff away (including my rings) and am trying to concentrate on the positives in my life. I've spent too much time thinking of the positives in OUR life. big difference. I need to move forward. I'm just so scared...I'm a sahm, and that makes a big difference. yes, there will be child support, and likely some form of alimony, at least for a while (judge's discretion). but I know, at 40, I'm going to have to come up with a career. I've been so focused on the future we planned together, that to have that rug ripped out from under me just freaks me out/scares me to death.
this is not what I wanted, not what I expected in life. but it is what is, and I need to accept it. I need to move on. I need to truly GAL. I need to find that magic elixir that allows me to finally stop caring for him. guessing its probably just time, but wondering if I make out the list of the things he has done/said in the last 6-10 months, it would probably help.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
morgan, you sound calmer, but I know inside you are just a mess. Anyone would be, even someone who has stayed strong through all of this. I know thinking of the things H has does in the last few months is definately a way for me to detach. Maybe that would help you.
About being a sahm, I wouldn't think about finding a job anytime soon. Your kids need you at home. If you are feeling like you need to job search right away, maybe you could look for a non stressful part time job somewhere (somewhere cool, where you'll get a discount! :)) and take time to figure out what you really want to do. You will be fine financially (lawyers will make sure) before you need to really start looking. What are your house plans? Staying? Moving?
Like I have said before, I would start detaching, but not giving up, just yet....
