I wasn't sure if I should bother posting any of this but after speaking with a dear friend last night, I decided that maybe there might be some who are curious as to what this looks like post-replay and 2 + years after the bomb went off, so...
I saw my H the other day. We had not seen each other in 9 months, as I have moved away (most of you know my story here so I won't recap that). H brought our dog to me, which I am now the caretaker of while he finishes selling (i.e., losing) our home and moves into an apt. of his own.
I was very nervous about letting H into my comfort zone. He has never been to my apt. before, as we live hours apart. When I opened the door I was a little surprised to see what he looked like. He is still H, but grayer, tired, and yes, still sick with something all the time (this time, a bad cold). He initiated a hug and kissed me on the cheek.
He brought puppy in; we got him adjusted to being in a new place. He did remember me; it was joyous for me. I am happy to have him, although it makes me sad that H is truly alone now.
H wanted to see the apt. so he checked it all out, commented on how nice it is, etc. If he was sizing up how well I am doing, I think it showed that despite all of this, I have kept my head above the water.
He took me to dinner, during which the whole conversation was about his job. He is still very focused on talking about that. On the ride back to my apt., he asked about all of my family, in detail, and updated me on his.
When we returned to the apt., he was going to leave. I asked if he could stay and talk a bit, so he sat down. I sat across from him and calmly asked him what he wanted to do from here. He said he does not know. I asked him if he wanted to get a divorce (because I was ready to do it if he wanted to file). He said he wasn't thinking about that at all; he needed to figure himself out at this time.
I told him the thing is this: I am trying to piece my life back together and move on from this, but it is difficult to do so when you have so many questions, and basically I just wanted to know, "what happened?" He nodded, and he said, "I know, and you are more than entitled to those answers. I want to be able to give them to you, but the things we need to discuss can't be done in a 5 minute talk. I had wanted to stay longer this weekend, but I can't because I have to get back and finish moving, but I do want to come back up when I have more time, and talk to you. And, right now I really need to figure myself out."
I asked him a couple of specific questions relating back to the time he was so deeply in replay, and he seemed surprised that I would have the thoughts that I did. When he asked me why, I told him that when he used to come over to the house I was shocked at his personality and did not recognize him at all, which is why I had some specific thoughts to what had been going on.
I asked him what his family thought of all this; did they think I was a terrible wife to him? He said no one was passing any judgment on me and that if anything, they were blaming him for this. He said, "Hopefloats, you have to take yourself out of this. I know it's hard for you to understand, but none of this was your fault; I am the root of the problem. You didn't do anything wrong, and all the hardship you have had to face, all the changes, they are all my fault, my doing."
I said, "H, honestly, I am not asking you to sit here with me and assign yourself blame. I just need to know why this all happened." He said, "I still don't know. I don't know what snapped, but something inside of me snapped. I don't know why yet and I need to figure that all out, and then we can talk."
I said, "Ok. Well, I don't know how you think I am doing, but I'm truly giving it my best." He said, "Hope, you are doing better than I am."
That made me teary, but I didn't let it on. I said, "Well, I do miss you, and I do still care for you, and I want you to know that. I wonder if you still have any feelings left for me..." He said, (without being able to look at me) "Yeah...but I have some things to work out right now."
And that was pretty much it. He got up to leave, gave me another hug and said goodbye to puppy. I told him to drive safely, and he drove away. I cried, but only a little bit. I must be getting a lot better at this.
What I noticed this time was that he did not have that manic look at all; he does not check his cell phone constantly anymore (this used to be a big problem back in the replay days); he had a shirt on that I bought him 3 years ago.
It's funny how although I do still love him, it's more like a familiar love, a family love that I feel for him. And truth be told, if he had wanted to get a D now, I wouldn't have stopped it whatsoever. The tables have turned: it seems he'd rather stay in limbo with me than finalize anything. I don't think he's up to the decision at this time so we will wait a little while and hopefully have this longer talk when he is ready.
Just thought I'd share...
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thank you for sharing this. It was insightful and followed the typical MLC pattern. You are a strong and wonderful woman. He sees that and realizes what he has lost and done.
Stay strong and focused.
Luv goal
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
Hope, I'm glad you came back to update us on what's been going on. The conversation you had w/your h is very enlightening. He's starting to look within and it's going to take him a while to find the answers. He still can't tell you exactly what happened to him and why. But, you can take this to the bank, he was being extremely honest w/you in this conversation. Take yourself out of the scenario for you are not at fault. He realizes that now.
Continue being a friend, but give him plenty of space. He now needs time to think and focus on his issues and how he's gotten to where he is today. I'm very sorry that your home has been sold. You both loved the place and I had hoped he would find a way to keep it. As for puppy, I'm sure you are enjoying him being w/you. Yes, your h is truly alone now, but that's really what he needs.
Hope, some day, he will return and will want to talk at length w/you. Listen to what he has to say, but don't ask a lot of questions for he can't answer them. He can only tell you what is in his heart at this very moment.
You did an excellent job w/his visit and conversation. You are healing and finding yourself in all of this mess. Continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the encouragement; I really appreciate it.
Yes, Cinders, my H had ow 2+ years ago and it lasted off/on for about 1 1/2 years. My understanding is that he is well rid of her and this happened last fall. Now, reality is that he could still be in contact with her; I do not know for sure. He also did date other women throughout all of this. I do not know if he has a girlfriend at this point, but if he does, she must not need much in a boyfriend because H is certainly not quality dating material right now.
snodderly, thank you for what you said. He will have plenty of space now, to let the dust settle and do some thinking.
He did also remark to me about his job, and how even after he got the transfer he had wanted so badly, it was not the "solve-all" for his unhappiness. He said, "I thought it would be, but it wasn't." So to recap, he's: left his wife, changed his job, taken on and discarded trashy ow, and still not satisfied with life.
I hope to have that longer talk at some point with him. I think it would give me a lot of closure.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
It's been a long journey huh? I remember when you were panicking about moving so far away, looking for a new job..
You've come a long long way since then sweetie! I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to let him into "Your Comfort Zone".....but YAY! You got puppy!! Hehehe, I don't think Puppy is a puppy anymore...I'm trying to remember without going back and looking, but didn't he want to keep Puppy? In a weird way, I feel sorry for him.....But I am estatic that your doing so well! Keep moving forward, it sounds like oneday he may eventually catch up.
Enjoy Puppy!!
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I think your h is finally reaching the point of looking inward on what has happened to him through these last few years. My h has gone through that and is still doing so but it is getting better and better as each day goes on. You have done a wonderful job and have come along way. I wish you much happiness in your life.
Thank you for your update. Your experiences and others, show that there is progress, even if it's at a snails pace. I followed your posts in the past. I really needed to see this today. It's so easy to think that if someone is not posting any more, they just gave up, and it makes me feel even more hopeless. Posts like yours, brings hope back. Patience must be a lesson that I'm having a hard time learning, because it seems my entire life, has been waiting patiently for one thing or the other, and it never gets easier.
I am at about the same place as you, except I believe H is still with OW. I don't now what their status is. I only see or speak with him a couple times a year. For the most part, I let him make contact, and have stopped asking where we are, since I got the same answer you did...I don't know, I don't want to have this covnersation. Sometimes I think that's just because he never liked conflict. But, when I read a post like yours, it does make it seem more like part of the process. That alone, is heartening.
It must be so nice having Puppy back. I still think about getting another dog. But, I keep holding off because the future is so uncertain. Having a dog is such a wonderful thing, it allows you to show love and be loved, unconditionally. Truly unconditionally! ..well till the next visitor with doggie cookies walks in. :-) Enjoy all that affection! And thank you so much for your post.
You are doing more than great for yourself.....despite such hardship and having your life ripped apart by another, you have built a beautiful one....you are surrounded by love, warmth of family, a good job, and have future goals and dreams.
I am happy to have him, although it makes me sad that H is truly alone now. 
