I met with my H...

[hopefloats7]

Hello.

I wasn't sure if I should bother posting any of this but after speaking with a dear friend last night, I decided that maybe there might be some who are curious as to what this looks like post-replay and 2 + years after the bomb went off, so...

I saw my H the other day. We had not seen each other in 9 months, as I have moved away (most of you know my story here so I won't recap that). H brought our dog to me, which I am now the caretaker of while he finishes selling (i.e., losing) our home and moves into an apt. of his own.

I was very nervous about letting H into my comfort zone. He has never been to my apt. before, as we live hours apart. When I opened the door I was a little surprised to see what he looked like. He is still H, but grayer, tired, and yes, still sick with something all the time (this time, a bad cold). He initiated a hug and kissed me on the cheek.

He brought puppy in; we got him adjusted to being in a new place. He did remember me; it was joyous for me. I am happy to have him, although it makes me sad that H is truly alone now.

H wanted to see the apt. so he checked it all out, commented on how nice it is, etc. If he was sizing up how well I am doing, I think it showed that despite all of this, I have kept my head above the water.

He took me to dinner, during which the whole conversation was about his job. He is still very focused on talking about that. On the ride back to my apt., he asked about all of my family, in detail, and updated me on his.

When we returned to the apt., he was going to leave. I asked if he could stay and talk a bit, so he sat down. I sat across from him and calmly asked him what he wanted to do from here. He said he does not know. I asked him if he wanted to get a divorce (because I was ready to do it if he wanted to file). He said he wasn't thinking about that at all; he needed to figure himself out at this time.

I told him the thing is this: I am trying to piece my life back together and move on from this, but it is difficult to do so when you have so many questions, and basically I just wanted to know, "what happened?" He nodded, and he said, "I know, and you are more than entitled to those answers. I want to be able to give them to you, but the things we need to discuss can't be done in a 5 minute talk. I had wanted to stay longer this weekend, but I can't because I have to get back and finish moving, but I do want to come back up when I have more time, and talk to you. And, right now I really need to figure myself out."

I asked him a couple of specific questions relating back to the time he was so deeply in replay, and he seemed surprised that I would have the thoughts that I did. When he asked me why, I told him that when he used to come over to the house I was shocked at his personality and did not recognize him at all, which is why I had some specific thoughts to what had been going on.

I asked him what his family thought of all this; did they think I was a terrible wife to him? He said no one was passing any judgment on me and that if anything, they were blaming him for this. He said, "Hopefloats, you have to take yourself out of this. I know it's hard for you to understand, but none of this was your fault; I am the root of the problem. You didn't do anything wrong, and all the hardship you have had to face, all the changes, they are all my fault, my doing."

I said, "H, honestly, I am not asking you to sit here with me and assign yourself blame. I just need to know why this all happened." He said, "I still don't know. I don't know what snapped, but something inside of me snapped. I don't know why yet and I need to figure that all out, and then we can talk."

I said, "Ok. Well, I don't know how you think I am doing, but I'm truly giving it my best." He said, "Hope, you are doing better than I am."

That made me teary, but I didn't let it on. I said, "Well, I do miss you, and I do still care for you, and I want you to know that. I wonder if you still have any feelings left for me..."
He said, (without being able to look at me) "Yeah...but I have some things to work out right now."

And that was pretty much it. He got up to leave, gave me another hug and said goodbye to puppy. I told him to drive safely, and he drove away. I cried, but only a little bit. I must be getting a lot better at this.

What I noticed this time was that he did not have that manic look at all; he does not check his cell phone constantly anymore (this used to be a big problem back in the replay days); he had a shirt on that I bought him 3 years ago.

It's funny how although I do still love him, it's more like a familiar love, a family love that I feel for him. And truth be told, if he had wanted to get a D now, I wouldn't have stopped it whatsoever. The tables have turned: it seems he'd rather stay in limbo with me than finalize anything. I don't think he's up to the decision at this time so we will wait a little while and hopefully have this longer talk when he is ready.

Just thought I'd share...