What have I done with the disppointment? At first it nearly killed me, Puddle. I really thought I was going to die. The person I most trusted, the man who had been through so much with me, whom I would have defended to death, was killing me. Not only had he become a stranger, he blamed me. At first, I believed him and so I was a failure, I was a disappointment, I was the cause.
My punishment was to make way for his new life.
Now, after dragging myself out of the mire he blithely flung me into, doing the 180's, the GALing, building my PMA, I realise I am a wonderful person and his needy, pathetic fantasy is not my fault.
Of course I have huge waves of doubt all the time and at these times I can hardly stomach the disappointment. It can be excruciating and so it takes a while and a lot of courage to calm myself.
Now, after dragging myself out of the mire he blithely flung me into, doing the 180's, the GALing, building my PMA, I realise I am a wonderful person and his needy, pathetic fantasy is not my fault.
I'm so glad you've reached that point. My DH doesn't blame me at all, which means he believes that nothing I might do would make any difference. That's a hard place for me to be. And he doesn't blame himself, either, that I know of. Without either of us having any responsibility for being here, as he sees it, there's nothing to do. He says, "Hey, we've tried for a long time, and there's just nothing there. Oh well." (my paraphrase)
Originally Posted By: bar
Of course I have huge waves of doubt all the time and at these times I can hardly stomach the disappointment. It can be excruciating and so it takes a while and a lot of courage to calm myself.
I feel the same sometimes, usually, in fact. I haven't figured out how to forgive him yet for not being willing to move the earth to be sure there's no hope. I sometimes think that's what he's crying about---the sheer hopelessness of it all (in his view).
I just noticed he's taken off his ring. I cried in the bathroom for a minute, gave myself a big hug, and figure it's just one more thing. I know there will be more to come.
I'm so sorry. ((((P)))). Your H is being as much of an alien and as selfish as mine (or any other). You can't stop him from talking, but you don't have to talk and you don't have to agree. He wants you to throw in the towel and to release him. You don't have to do that unless and until you're ready.
Hugs, Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I don't feel like a strong woman but you're right because I am getting stronger. Fed up at the moment but not desperate. I'm sure my H takes his ring off when he goes out but I don't care.
Why did you cry, Puddle? When my H wasn't wearing his I asked him about it. He said he'd mislaid it. That was a bit weak so I risked:Go and find it now. He did. Way back in Jan he flung it across the floor and called it a piece of s***. Suppose we made some progress since then.
I think I cried because it's such a concrete thing. He hasn't moved out, so in a way he's still here, but seeing the tan line on his empty finger felt very real. And it made me incredibly sad. The other day he said, "We share a home, we share a name (which we don't by the way, though the kids do), and I wear your ring. I'm uncomfortable with one of those." Now I guess I know which one.
Originally Posted By: bar
Way back in Jan he flung it across the floor and called it a piece of s***. Suppose we made some progress since then.
You certainly have. And you are strong, even though you don't feel like it all the time. So am I, despite my frequent trips to the bathroom to cry!
Hey Nomopo! Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the hug (you too, bar). I really need them right now. How is it that an otherwise kind and reasonable person can turn this selfish? I think my DH sees it as his only shot at happiness, so in a way I can understand going for it. But lordy, what a price we all pay.
After I noticed the ring thing, I decided I needed to get out of the house. I packed up the kids and headed to one of my favorite places. We were gone for about 6 hours, which was great. I realized that even though I don't seem to be able to keep DH off my mind for more than a minute at a time, I feel better when I'm not just navel-gazing, so that was good. You know, sometimes I actually have to ask myself, "Is this really happening, or was that a dream?" It sucks when I realize the answer.
Told him I'm going on a hike by myself tomorrow. I think that'll be good, too. It's something I'd like to do a lot more of.
Nomopo, hope you're having a great time! bar, I hope the rest of your weekend holds many pleasant surprises. Hugs to all of you, too.
Puddle, not trying to make light of your sit, but you gave me a really good laugh, something I have not had for a while, with your "Navel Gazing" comment. I have never heard that and I busted almost to tears laughing. Thank you for sending a lil' bit of humor my way.
Best wishes to you.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Well, glad to hear it, Nugget! I'm grateful, too, each and every time I get a laugh from something I read here. We all need humor so badly, so I'm glad I could return the favor.
He wants you to throw in the towel and to release him. You don't have to do that unless and until you're ready.
Thanks, you're right (and I know it), and it's good to hear.
I'm not ready, and because of that, I don't know what to do about the talking. I'm also angry, of course, so I feel like I don't want to share my feelings with him (other than telling him I don't agree).
The logistical issues remain, of course, like the money issue he brought up. I know that addressing these piecemeal is an unpleasant proposition, but somehow sitting down and figuring out what we're going to do about this and that smacks too much of settling terms for a D, and I think I'm afraid of going through that. Which doesn't mean I won't have to or even that I shouldn't, for whatever reason. Is there a good one?
The one that breaks my heart is, obviously, the idea of talking to the kids. I know kids are highly sensitive, but so little has changed between us that I honestly don't think they know. Right after the bomb, my oldest caught me crying and asked, "What?" I just said, "Sometimes life is hard." But since then, nothing. Why in the world should we tell them anything now? I may just be putting off the inevitable, but to me it makes sense to leave them their blissful oblivion right now. Any thoughts?
Also note that he's not pushing for talking to the kids, but just thinks we should discuss all the possibilities around it.
First, the kids and I are having a blast. We are off to see characters for autographs and pictures right now. I may be more excited than them.
On talks, again, he can't force you to say or do anything. He controls you no more than you control him. So decide what, if anythng, you want to say or do and only say or do that. If he talks, just listen. Say I understand what you are saying, I hear you, and maybe I don't know if he is pushing for an answer you aren't ready to give. And that's it. Nothing more unless you want to for you. All his efforts in this regard are about his selfish needs. You focus on and protect you and your kids.
On money, again, what is it you want to do? Maybe an allowance protects you too. Decide for you, do it.
I see no reason to tell the kids until you have something to say, like we are getting an S or D if that is imminent. Unless they know something is going on. Uncertainty\ fear is not good for them.
On BB, so can't remember if you had other questions. Hope all that helps.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I love that you're keeping in touch from there. So glad you're excited and having fun!
Got it: I don't have to talk logistics until I'm ready. I'm not ready. I won't talk logistics. Yet. Thank you for reminding me it's about him wanting to feel better. It reminded me that he's never felt comfortable with us ending up not agreeing after we've discussed something.
