Helping each other protect our kids... thoughts?

[peaceful_spirit]

As I was reading BFM's thread about the kids and OW, I got to thinking about how difficult our role is, as the LBS, in protecting our children from this chaos.

So, I though I'd start a thread where we can support each other in doing the right thing for our kids to help them survive and thrive in the face of the mess our spouses have created.

For many of you, the difficulty comes when your spouse introduces the kids to OP. And while that hasn't happened to me, it almost did at one time. My H was living with OW and started saying his visitation with the kids would be at her place. It made me sick. Sick.

So, how can we protect our kids when our spouses take them around OP (which legally, they can do)? My thoughts are these... first, we need to find peace within ourselves about it. It's so hard, becuase this is the person who "stole" our spouse from us, and now they're getting involved with our kids. So, we need to find inner peace about it. We need to accept that there's nothing we can do if our spouse choses to do this.

Once we reach that point of acceptance, we will be in a more sound place. It is at this time that I recommend talking to our spouse in a calm and reasonable fashion about how this could impact our children. Perhaps reach some sort of agreement about how often, where, what types of PDA is exhibited in front of the kids, etc...

Third, we need to have open conversations with our kids about what is happening (depending on their age), WITHOUT bashing OP or WAS. Hard to do, I know. But it will benefit the kids in the end.

In my case, what I struggle with is the constant instability of my sitch. My h is here, he's gone, he's on the couch, he's in the bed, etc... My H has been so unstable for the last year and a half, that my 4 year old gets confused. He asks everynight, "is daddy sleeping here tonight?" He doesn't know what to count on.

My approach... I've just started telling S4 that mommy and daddy are trying to work some things out. And that we may not sleep in the same bed sometimes and sometimes daddy sleeps at his place, but it's only because we're trying to figure stuff out. When H does leave, I tell them that daddy isn't feeling well and he's trying to find a way to get better.

I also make sure to tell them that even when daddy isn't here, he thinks about them all the time and he loves them and mommy very much.

Is all this the right approach? I don't know. But it's the only way I can think to protect my kids from the madness.

We are all in such difficults positions. We are dealing with our own heartache. And at the same time, we have to go into protect mode for our kids and put up a strong front. We have to put our own emotions on hold for the sake of our kids.

In the end, this makes us all stronger. It makes us better parents. It makes us better people.

So, if anyone else has any thoughts on how we can help our kids through these various situations, please share.