There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

thanks all. mk, not sure it was a 180...its pretty much what I had been doing off/on prior to finding db. only this time, I ended our marriage. that is very much anti-db, isn't it?

I can't believe I did it. I can't believe it. I cried to a few friends on the phone for a long time last night. they are all so supportive, but most have no real idea what I am going thru.

I look like death this morning, tried to put some make-up on to cover the dark circles, if only so I don't look like a total troll when H gets here. but honestly, it doesn't matter, and the best of coverup didn't help, so letting that go, too. just trying to get myself so I am "up" for when my kids get here. I think I have around an hour to get there.

thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it. I guess what I need to do now is really work on putting him behind me. I was talking to a girlfriend and said maybe its kind of like when you first start exercising. I was on bedrest for several months when pg with the twins, then completely exhausted after having them. I didn't start w/o again until they were nearly a year. when I did, oh how it hurt...it was hard, and it was exhausting, and I had to literally drag myself to the gym kicking and screaming. but then I got stronger, and started having fun with it again, and it got better, and I love how I feel when I w/o, and how I look because of it. so maybe finally putting H behind me will be like that...I just have to drag myself thru the motions at first, but I will get stronger, and it will get easier.

I have been doing some stuff, of course, lots of GAL stuff. but its all been with saving our marriage in mind. I need to really let it go now. not just talk about maybe letting it go. I need to really do it.

packing my rings away in their boxes after I post this. later, I'm going to pack up all the love letters/wedding stuff/H reminders that are in my closet. I'm not going to throw them away...maybe the kids will like seeing them someday. but I am going to pack them up and stick them in a far corner of the basement. I'm tempted to pull out our christmas totes and separate our ornaments. but that's a bit overkill, think I'll save that fun for when it gets closer to christmas. will do it after the kids go to bed some night. light a fire in the fireplace, pour some wine, and have a good wallow as I do it.

wow, how sad is that image?

enough. enough. I need to perk up. I'll have 3 energetic little ones coming thru this door and I will not let them see me this way.