back to square -1 or -10000

[BeingMe]

Cat, you're in my prayers. Just give him some space, while still being there for him. Take care of you!

[Sara]

Sounds like he is coming around Cat. That is good. Just take it slowly one hour at a time -- too much can happen in a day!

(((Hugs)))

[Phoenix_spark]

Wow. Yeah, just give him some space, let him figure, clean up his own mess. When he gets that done, you will be there to help things move forward. Hang tough.

[believing_isaiah43]

Hi Cat, I've been working lots of 12hr days in a row, and took me a while last night/this a.m. to catch up. I, like you, like all of us, are so TIRED of doing all the reading, all the hoping, all the chasing. And we want everything to go back to Good, right-f*cking-NOW, thankyouverymuch. It's been so long for all of us.

Okay, emotional rant is winding down. I'm projecting here a bit, sorry! (mini-update from Threadless Me: my H isn't having an A anymore, but he has NOT turned the corner to steer his emotional/physical ship back towards me, we are distant yet cordial roommates -and that's my cross to bear for now.)

I'm trying so much to not "run to his rescue" but still be there for him, he is suffering the consecuences of his acts, at it had to happen, but sometimes I m truly afraid he's going to loose it.

So SO SO know about this. You know my H lost his job over his A, and his entire world imploded over it. Lost face, lost friends, lost integrity, lost reputation. People still don't speak to us that used to, and it's almost 2 years out. He has NO good friends anymore; people quit calling, etc. (he worked in a Christian ministry, and I think they thought it was contagious? I don't know, but my opinion of these folks plummeted much post-A, as you would hope they would come alongside him and walk with him through this time. Not.)

My point, and I do have one: I have seen this man come so close to nervous breakdowns it scares me, alternately furious at himself, at me, then crying over his life being 'over'. He thinks my life is fine because I have a job and co-workers to connect to - that's the Man desire, not mine as a woman. It's more important to ME to have a M/R that's our priority together, and connected. It used to be to him wanting that, back when our M was spiraling pre-A, but in the wake of his practical life disintegrating, he has 'nothing to give' to me because he is diminished himself. This may not apply to you right now, but if his work knows about his A and there's any fallout at all - or even PERCEIVED by your H that people are looking at him with disapproval, or talking behind his back, etc. that is going to impede his progress and crush his ego/spirit with some (rightfully-so) shame initially.

[imLIN]

Cat3

I too can relate to seeing a man so broken and crumbled that it almost hurt me more to see that then when he left...I never wanted that for him either...that is when I saw in reverse what drove him out of the house...and now the opposite force was driving him back in...

Like others mentioned my H vacilated between anger at me, the world, our elders, himself...but I knew mostly he was still trying to run from himself inside...and it was about to come to a head...the drinking could only numb for so long...the medicating with prescription drugs (or should I say over medicating with Rx that weren't his!) could only numb for so long...eventually they have to look at that man in the mirror and they realize that it is who they hate...not us

Even with all of that it still took a year before my H could say the words "I love you" to me...it is long and very bumpy road when they return...much like when they left...there will be times that you may even question your judgement in allowing it...times you may feel this will "never work"....but I can tell you that is all normal...just keep praying for yourself to find the truth of what you need to know and the strength to carry it through...you never who will knock at your door...

Take care....Lin

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, Cat, you've always been so wonderful to me. I just wanted to say I'm in your cheering section. It could take awhile AGAIN, unfortunately, but just keep focusing on you and the kids and being supportive of H, but not helping him to fix himself too much. He needs to finally do that himself and figure out where he is going and what he needs to do to get there.

[cat03]

thanks for your support everyone! right now I feel good, now and then the realily still has a nice punch when i think of it all, but I"m moving along.
H feeling still pretty miserable and looking forward to see the therapist, so that's good.He feels something is missing in himself. It tempted me to feel bad "he has me, why would he be missing something" but, then I remember my own motto "if you depend on someone else to make you happy, something is very wrong". He has to come up with the solutions on his own, he is trying.

Hugs my crew ))))))))))))))))))))))

[cat03]

Well, he still wants to go to the big trip, even for 2 days (was supposed to be 4 days) he lied about (said it was work related then I found out it was not so when I found out the rest.
HIS reasons: He'd already planned it, the tickets will go to waste, he won't see those friends anymore (from work, they are giving him a hard time about itthey'll be reassigned in a month), the biggest reason, he'd be just miserable cause we are still not confortable with each other and thinking about the good time his friends are having.
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!! I did say I wasn't going to make desicions for him, but this is really getting to me! It'd be the last weekend with our son before school, H always works weekends, we talked about going on a family vacation all together using that time. Now he says we could go somewhere else as a family right before his trip (he asked the whole week off to go to that trip)

And now, even if we go on vacation for the whole time as planned, or the 2 days he has planned we both will be thinking about how he'd rather go with his friends. I'll just be sour because of what he wants to do, and I don't know how I'm going to feel about him whenhe comes back. Of course he threw the "so if I go that's it?".

Sadly, he rather be elsewhere, for the longest time he hasnt' been happy here.

So, now what, he was repentant last night (he tried to convinced me so he could go)
and now he really REALLY wants to, it has been a freaking rollercoaster of monumental proportions since Friday. And he's getting sue due to a traffic accident (off working hrs) and he's freaking out about that too and keeps saying he can't take it anymore.

Just shoot me

[Aud31]

Oh Cat, I'm sorry it's so chaotic now.

From here, my first reaction to your post is that you're being (understandably so) wrapped up and dragged along with him in all his indecision and angst. I know you're torn up and feel beaten down and worry about the right mix of detachment from and supportiveness for your H. But you already know he has to do this in his own head.

Would it be possible for you to let go of the vacation issue and maybe go do something alone with your son?

Detach sweetie. So much easier said than done, but you can do hard things.

Love and hugs,
Aud

[cat03]

thanks hon, perhaps, yes, it would be easier to let this be his desicion, I'm afraid I'm going to hate him for it thought, there is that primal feeling that he doesn't deserve it so why should he go? when he went off on me on Sat he mentioned how he felt under a microscope, smothered (I told him long ago if her come home drunk better not bother coming in, and I had checked his history on the web and found porn and brought it up)

Anyways........... I thought about that, him going his way and me the other way for vacation, I might just do that. We are both going to a new C on thursday, if she can't help him addecuatly with his ADHD then we'll go back to the other C, he's out of pocket but just found out it wouldn't be too much what I'd had to pay.

He has no sence of right and wrong right now, confessed tome he has the urge to run away out of guilt and working things out, afraid of the work at the C.

I think I need to go to Trader Joe's and get a massive dose of dark chocolate and a good movie and veg out on the couch tonight and forget my troubles for a bit... he was going to (not anymore, has to work) take kids to a cabin 3hrs away for 2 days (I have tons of work) and I was planning to just be out, go to a club and just act like im single and forget all his crap...yess, i'm that fed up.

But, for better perhaps, it didn't work out.