Flirting with Time

[NikB]

Dave - you sound great!! I think GD is absolutely right. And glad you are feeling strong enough to let her return only if it's right.

[slowly]

Hi Dave - I hope you are feeling better after the flu. These infections can certainly linger.

Asked W to come by and help with Dinner Kids last night which she did so willingly.

This must have been bitter sweet for her, if she felt that her efforts the previous time were rejected.

W come in to bring me some water and instantly gets angry says
"talk about a slap in the face" then " I can see you have moved on" then leaves before I can say anything.
Here is poor me in pain have been in bed for 48hrs , cant eat and she opens with an attack.

Just being the devil's advocate for a bit. So she may still be hurt from the previous rejection, gets excited at being able to help when Dave is ill, brings him water, and encounters evidence of him moving on. Tough one. Changing the bedroom seems to be WAs soft underbelly. I think it was Ellie's husband who had taken an apartment lease, got packed to move out, and when saw that Ellie had ordered a new large bed 'because she wanted to make new better memories' (or sentiments to that effect) he cancelled the lease and never moved out

later I got her to come in and talk , I said there was no underlying reason for the purchase other than saw it , liked it and bought it. she was not listening as usual. Its actualy one her traits which is infuriating and thats making her own mind up about why someone has said / done something and refusing to listen to that person when she confronts them.

An opporunity to apply some solution oriented approaches here. Next time you catch her listening, maybe let her know you appreciate that she took the time to hear you out.

Then it came " you have everything , the house the kids , everything , you get a new phone , do up the room , I have nothing ." " You write up how we are going to split things and if I agree I will sign it" .I said I asked for none of this , it was your decision , then she "said you made me leave"

Thats the last we spoke I didnt have the energy . So now shes been on her own a month she is getting Jealous and angry .

Might be time to go talk to a good lawyer.

Oh dear. Is her memory usually this selective I'd be interested if this is still her take. My guess is that if things do not change, it may indeed time to see a lawyer.

Slowly

[C_K]

Thank you slowly

Your post has given me some stuff to think about. Unfortunatley there has been yet another dip in the road.
W again today when picking up D launched into an accusation over a minor matter without even asking for my take first and then refusing to consider anything I had to say about it.
I told her I was tired of the unfounded accusations and from there it drifted into an argument with no DB'ing to be seen. At least i kept my cool but W left with D once she told me she would be seeing a Lawyer tommorrow.

I did nothing right , but I am tired and now so sad .

I dont see there is anything I can do with W , she has no idea of what to do but run from her problems.
Nothing to do but look after the Kids and see how time treats us.

Dave

[NDDT]

Why are we all at the place we are? that is a question I ask myself alot. Wish I had a good answer. Is this Gods plan, as my mother tells me? Is it destiny? Once again I dunno. But I do know that I willed be damned if no matter what happens in my life I dont do the best for myself if I can.

Sometimes I think my (all of ours) WAS's think that we should all be wallowing in misery because they choose to leave. Ha. I refuse. Yeah I still am open to mine coming back and working on things. If she does great. Until she does, or if she does not, I choose to live each day to the best of my ability.

Dont let all of this crush your spirit no matter what!!

I dont know if my words help, but I just type as I feel at the moment. Have a good night bud!!

G

[stillme]

Dave, I'm so sorry for your dip. Even tho you say there was "no DBing to be seen", you kept your cool and, truth be told, prolly said what has needed to be said. I'm sorry you're so sad, but surely you know you did not do "nothing right". You have been doing all that you can, and all you should, to better your R w/W, and you know (we ALL know) you have shown true strength and success. The fact that W cannot/willnot better her R w/you does not mean you did nothing right, but you are right in tht you cannot do anything w/W.

Please try to sleep. Being tired (as I know) does nothing but wear your body & spirit down even more and make the situation seem even more Bad than it really is. You know what needs to happen now. You said it: Nothing to do but look after the kids and see what happens w/time.

Look at the sitch w/a rested brain & new eyes tomorrow, and see if you need to do anything. Maybe, but maybe not.

I'm sorry again.
(((Dave)))

j.

[C_K]

NDDT , j the words of support are most welcome , Its time I think to just see where things go.
I did communicate briefly with W later today , I firstly appologised for arguing , but needed her to confirm that she will be able to stay for 2 nights this week while I am out of town, which she is. Seems to have calmed a bit and we both said sorry. Its actualy a bit of a biggy for W , the S word is used very sparingly , The appology was right out of DB'ing 101 in that I validated what she said.
Hopefully thats put some water on the fire and we will see where the days ahead lead. She will have plenty of time with Kids so with luck that will keep her busy and I can concentrate on work as well.
So as I am so eager to tell everyone else here , I can only work on me and do the best I can for my family.

Dave

[SuperDad]

Dave,
Great job. I was exactly going to recommend that you focus on validating when she starts to spew venom. It is really hard to keep up the anger/venom for very long when someone is empathizing with you!

In the mean time, I think you need to re-detach and let W have no one to blame for her sitch but the (wo)man in the mirror!
SD

[Gone Dancin']

Great rebound from the fight, Dave! Sounds like the apology and validating did some good, and if you can validate feelings in the heat of battle next time, monitor those results too. I know that, at the end of this thing, you should be very proud of the efforts and changes you've made. You are very strong and I admire you for that. Keep up the great work!

GD

[C_K]

Thanks all

Bout time I dropped back in for an update. The flu realy got me down and I am still suffering some lingering effects. I havnt been sick like that for years and the fact that it coincided with an attack from W meant some very dark moments. After our confrontation I just withdrew , looked after the kids , slept and avoided contact with W.
W had a couple of days at home with Kids while I was away and she was much calmer when I got back.
There has been no more talk of settlements or lawyers so thats good.
Now I have had time to think things through me changing our room scared her. Her fear surfaced as anger and there it started.
So I changed the room back , too which I got an angry letter with more of the same. I talked to her by phone and told her that I changed it back so that she would be comfortable when she came to stay while I was away.
This handed her back some control and its calmed her. Lesson learned for me in that if I start to move on its going to hurt her and she will respond. I actualy see this as positive , my take at the moment is that W is asking for lots of space and also with no guarantees wants me to be patient with her. I got a txt message from her that stated " I am the one who is lost "

So its back to being patient , I know I can push things along but its too early yet. Doing anything right now will not get me closer to my goal. Oh yeah when she left with D tonight I got a gentle hug and kiss. Now I have to be carefull not to scare the bird away again.

Perhaps I am wrong , but I have time and importantly time with my kids.

Dave

[Reincarnated]

I don't think you are wrong, Dave. Just her admitting that she is lost is huge. Time and patience--you KNOW that you can do that! You have shown so much of it already.

Let the little bird sit a while...