I woke up and realized that I had participated in a R talk with him yet again (I know: Duh!) He forced my hand with the CW issue with the kids. It is hard not to judge him and his actions, OT. His sh!tty choices hurt me, which is bad enough, but the mother bear in me is rising up in response to how they are impacting my children.
We both agreed that convos like yesterday do nothing for us--I said that I feel like we need a translator when we talk, and he agreed. Maybe someday he will see that a therapist might be able to help us, but I'm just not interested in that right now. I don't think he would be a willing participant, and would likely lie as he has done in the past. I'm sure that my frustration came across, as I let go of trying to have him see my perspectives during the convo. It was evident that he would not see it, regardless of how I said anything.
The parenting leader in yesterday's class asked if he had had a recent physical, given his changes in core values. She thought there might be some depression or hormonal thing going on. Yeah, that suggestion would go over well! She gave me a few ideas on how to talk with my son, since I am pretty sure that he will be told by someone about the sitch once school starts (at least 2 kids in the neighborhood know), and I'd rather hear it from me/us first. It focused on choices that adults are free to make, even if we don't agree with them (trying to keep his sense of developing morality in place). She hopes H owns up to his actions with S--when I touched on that during the convo, H asked if we should just tell them that the R started after the sep! I said no, that is not truthful...more lies. This is the only part of the convo that we have to go back and finish, and I will try to do that by Wed/Thurs this week. School starts on next Tues.
I see CW's role in our M as one of someone who saw an opening, a weakness, and took advantage of it. She said to my face that she was a friend and wanted to do anything she could to help the M, all the while reinforcing and encouraging my H's venting, stroking his ego, and stepping in. H asked yesterday, if I was so threatened by her for so long, why wasn't I more introspective then and attempt to make changes to keep him before the bomb; I was always blaming outside sources. I simply believed in him, in our M, that he would never do such a thing. I took the strength of our M and his character for granted.
I understand that the original issues were in our M. She did not create them. But she was there to encourage him to talk to her, share and develop those intimacies, instead of telling him to turn back to me and fix it. This woman acted the friend to me and my family for 11 years; she is no friend.
But I also see that he made choices along the way, as well. Right now, CW is just in the way of us moving forward--it isn't possible while she is in the picture. I know that there isn't anything I can do to speed up the process, as I am relatively sure that their R will blow up. I wish I could do a 180, tell him that I am happy for him that he found his happiness and wish him well in his life. But I feel that I can't do that when it would expose my kids to a more open R between the two of them, and he would use it to validate his including her in family functions (Donna's ok with it, so you all should be, too).
I am not sure what will happen about this issue in court tomorrow, especially if he doesn't show up (which I suspect he won't). I do plan on asking the judge about it, citing the poor parenting of her own children and lack of moral character. I will read your post to BFM, OT.
I am so tired of this, tired of working so hard for what I believe in, yet is something that he doesn't want and can't be forced into. I don't want him to feel like I forced or coerced him into anything--I want him to WANT to work on it. I don't want it out of obligation. But I also can't make him hold value in something that he clearly doesn't have.
I have let it go, this M. There is nothing I can do or say that hasn't already been said. Now, I have to frame all convos/contact around business and the kids' best interests. I'd rather not have any at all at this point, but there are still those loose ends that will need to be tied up, and I am sure that other issues will arise.
My to do list:
1. Open new checking acct and get financial mess straightened out.
2. Give him a do-by date to transfer the credit card acct into his name.
3. Buy a computer for the kids. He won't return the kids', citing lack of funds. Yet he told me yesterday he bought the parts for his motorcycle and put it on his credit card--and that we all have to make sacrifices. Nice.
4. Today--finish up the paperwork for court tomorrow.
5. Cut down half of a tree struck by lightening in the yard last week (H said that he would come by to help if I wanted; I said I could handle it). Mow the lawn.
6. Last convo about the affair--the kids have to be told this week. I will contact a few of the child psych people for other opinions. H will be given the option to participate.
7. Continue to look for a TV on craigslist.
8. Contact the L that I consulted with to find out how much it would cost for her to go over the paperwork that I am filing out and submitting to the court system (one of the other parents in the class yesterday was doing this; cost him about $1000). I may even have access to a L through my union, so I will look at that, too. ***
Have I said that I am SO looking forward to the start of school and getting back to my life? I got word that they assigned a student teacher to my care--I am very excited about that!
Once I get all of these issues taken care of, I hope that the sitch will quietly settle down and become a much lower priority. Unless he pulls something, this should be it until Nov 19th.
