Well, H came by with the kids tonight to pick up S's overnight stuff (he decided to stay).

H wanted to talk. He told me that, before I heard it from someone else, he wanted me to know that he met up with CW and her kids at the fair with my kids. D and her friend were "so happy" to get a chance to be together.

I stayed calm. I told him that he knows how I feel about this whole thing, and my position is that it will cause long-term damage to our children to be around this woman. He kept trying to bring it back to the friendship between the kids. I said that I am sorry that the friendship is not able to be kept up, but that I feel that the potential damage is of too great a concern. I thought that he understood that when he agreed to the pre-trial orders. He said that he did that "in the short-term" but that he felt that there can't be a no-contact order without something specific from the courts. He said that his parents and I are the only ones who have a problem with him and CW together (I actually called his sis later to talk to her about it--she said that she would never accept her, he already feels disowned by the family because of his choices, and they are all angry at him. I did thank her for being there for him, even as a sounding board, since he seems so alone in all of this. I was just concerned that they would help him get CW more involved with the kids' lives. He hears only what he wants to hear.)

I asked him if this was worth the contention that it may cause, as I will continue to keep my children's best interests in mind on this issue. I cannot control his actions, but I will never condone a relationship with this woman. The children will not have contact with her while spending time with me, and the truth is going to come out about the terrible moral choices he has made.

I said that it just follows the pattern of his avoiding conflict again. He said that if he wanted to avoid conflict, he wouldn't have told me at all. I said that it was exactly what he was doing--telling me after the fact when I can't do anything about it. He said, what would I have said if he told me before hand? I would have said no, bring them home.

I just think he is so far gone. He is starting to display more open animosity toward me. He keeps saying that he never meant to hurt me, but I said that he has hurt me, knowingly, and keeps hurting me. I said that I don't want the man that he has become, that the lying and convincing me that I was crazy was what has hurt the most. He says he knows exactly what he did, but stayed so long because of my mental state.

He said he is not coming home, ever. He did not miss me, or miss the pit in his stomach when he had to see me. He doesn't want it. Even if he breaks up with this woman, if she goes back with her husband. He said, You will never accept any other relationships I may have in the future--I said no, just not this one, the one that broke up our marriage when I was still trying to save it.

I am just sad about the whole mess--it is such a shame. He wants to try to be friends, be around each other with no pressure. He said he can't do anything (friends, coparent) with me if I am still holding out to save the marriage. I told him he doesn't have to worry about that anymore. I could see the possibilities that were on the other side of us making it through this together, but he never could. He can't let go of the past, or forgive. I mentioned about forgiveness being a gift to yourself, letting go of the negative past, hurts and resentments. He said, so, I will live my life miserable and alone. I said, if you choose to.

There is nothing else to say. The parenting class today spoke about parallel vs. co-parenting. I can only do parallel right now--business only. He has to live this life and feel the consequences of his choices. Who knows? Maybe he and CW will find happiness, since she will make him her whole life. My H was the most important thing in my life, but not the only thing.

There was probably more, as we finished the talk tonight over the phone. I am so done with tears. I do feel so much differently about him. I really don't care right now what he does, as long as the impact on the kids is kept at a minimum. He is still paranoid--as we were getting off of the phone, he had thanked me for getting him breakfast (got D&D for the kids, so brought him some, too). I said something like I had to make sure they ate before I dropped them off--he shoots back, what, you don't think I would have fed them?! Urgh--no...I just had them for the morning and saw it as my responsibility, it was not a slight against you.

Anyway, I am rambling at this point. At least he has made it easier to remain detached as I got home. Still twisting anything that is said, still unreasonable, still so sure that what he is doing is the only possible option. So be it.

I have enough friends. And he hasn't been my friend for a long time, at that.