One Foot in Front of the Other

[Phoenix_spark]

Good for you Aud, keep up the good work. Just do the best you can, things seem to be turning.

[runningoutoftime]

Aud,

I understand your concern about the traveling and your husband working with OW who lives in another city (my sitch was similar there). This probably wouldn't help, but when my husband had to travel there he would call every night. The other thing is I'd try and GAL a little as well. Get yourself a babysitter one night, dress up and go out with friends. Make sure you are continuing to focus in on yourself when he's out of town. It will help you keep your mind off your imagination.

I can't say I still didn't worry or wonder at times. I knew that sometimes they'd have to come in contact, but focusing more on me and trying to continue to be somewhat independent and strong (and still loving and giving when he was around), was about the only thing I could do.

Hey, any chance your husband might be able to change positions in the company where he wouldn't travel so much. How often does he go there? Any chance you can travel there once or twice a year with him??? I know families that make "vacations" out of business trips.

I like your idea about being less uptight and maybe trying to be more involved in his friendship with OW so you deflate the romance out of it and show your own caring and generosity.

[BeingMe]

As I have a travelling H, I know how you feel, Aud. Just letting you know you're in my thoughts.

[Aud31]

Thanks girls.

I'm good with the GAL while he's gone. And I'm planning to go be with him over the weekend(s?). Our agreement was that he would no longer travel alone, period. But I can see that it's just not realistic for me to take that much time away from the kiddos.

I wish he could adjust his position in his company, but he's the only one who can/will go. I've tried to encourage him to look for new employment, but he's happy and secure where he is--he likes what he does, is self-directed and is nearly untouchable when it comes to politics and others trying to boss him around.

As far as OW, he says she has a new job and honey, and her MySpace page confirms both points. I don't think that means she (or anyone, really) is out of the picture forever, but what he's said to this point is believeable.

H is continuing to do nearly everything I've ever wanted from him. He's been at it steady now for four months without any real deviations from his attentive, present, relaxed behavior. I AM THANKFUL FOR THIS! I still have worries here and there that it's all just an act, but I don't know if I could keep it up for that long if I didn't really mean it, you know? So I'm just going forward, day by day, watching and enjoying and remembering that ultimately, I'm the person responsible for my happiness.

[cat03]

There is putting up a front and there is trying, your H seems to be trying Aud, I now see the many warning signs I missed (he's top helping around the house, we'd ML but it was short and to the point, etc)

I used to go to op's myspace page to check on stuff, but maybe it's time we stop, don't you think?

[Aud31]

Thanks Cat, I agree with you. He does seem to be trying and the myspace stuff is a blip on my radar--no need to keep going there.

[cat03]

that a' girl!

[Phoenix_spark]

I agree with Cat03, if you can get out of that self eroding manner of suspecting and observing him, you can work on building the R, give H positive feedback, which will cause more positive outcome from him. If he feels you are stuck in the past, sooner or later he is going to throw in the towel and say "what's the use". Run with the positive outcome for now.

[Aud31]

self eroding manner of suspecting and observing him

Phoenix--I think I've understood this before, but I like the way you put it here. It is beyond detrimental to me and my ultimate goals to continue this train of thought. Knowing that, I find myself being continually surprised at how easy it is to slip into these habits. I imagine they spring from some kind of instinctive self-preservation mode.

I've had a few panicked what-if sessions over the past week, and I caught myself in a pickle yesterday...H and I were driving with the kids to a family outing, and started talking about an injury that happened to me when I was large with baby #2. Though he was talking about it in a light, reminiscing kind of way, it brought up a wave of bitter memories for me, realizing now that at the time of the event he didn't care much for me and was well into his A (at least emotionally). I was so tempted to say something, like, "Yeah, that was really a painful experience for me, and it hurts even more now to realize that you couldn't have cared less." But I didn't.

I'm so glad I kept my mouth shut and didn't dig it up. It's all part of stuff I've already forgiven him for, and it will do neither of us any good for me to keep bringing it out and examining it to make sure it was a valid hurt. Plus it would have put a damper on our fun day together.

BTW, we had a great day...took the kids to a local hot spring pool and had dinner with H's extended family. He spent all day and all evening with us, as he has most days lately. This is such a complete 180 for him, and is the biggest source of my belief in his commitment to us.

So, here's to beginning another week. May it bring healing and progress for all of us as we put one foot in front of the other on our paths to happiness.

[RedHeadWife]

Hey Aud, I don't think he could keep up the "good act" for that long either. I think he must be sincere.

As far as thinking about the past and what he was really doing at times, that's part of the healing process. BTDT. You will get past it. It really, truly sucks thinking that they chose another woman over us for a time, but he has stayed w/ you and that's what you need to focus on. Any of that other stuff is just negative emotions that will do nothing positive for you, your mental health, your well-being nor rebuilding your M. I know, easier said than done some days, but you'll get there.