Thanks, cat, I will get that book, never heard of it, maybe it will help.
He usually tries to schedule court days with his work schedule, but he works ten hr days. I would love for him to want to do a project with me, and when he works in the yard, I find an excuse to go out and help him wherever he will let me. He did ask me about some home improvements we will need, and they are do-it-yourself projects, so who knows? Of course, he also mentioned if we decide to sell one day, we should do certain things to maximize our profit.
I think things have been this way sexually with him since the EA began. We've been married going on 24 yrs, and I have been pregnant twice, once with our son, and one baby that I lost at five months.
About him being a cop for so long, he would come home and tell me the times when he went on a homicide call, or an accident, and I would always listen to him and we would talk all the time, whenever he wanted to, but for some reason, over the years, he started acting as though when I wanted to talk to him, it wasn't really important, and he would go to the doorway, and begin backing away, and looking at his watch. Then he would get angry if I said something about him not valuing what I had to say. Then in a while he would come back and say so do you want to do it tonight? he didn't realize that I needed him to value me all day, not just before he wanted sex. He could be mean and nasty to me in the morning, and say something hateful before he went to work, never apologize to me, and then that night when I didn't want to have sex, he would rant about it, and make things worse. so, sometimes, alot of times, I would give in so he would stop being so mad at me. But to this day, he doesn't believe he had a hand in this. To him, it is minor stuff, compared with the major stuff of me turning him down for sex, and being mean or angry with him. He says what I did was abuse, but what he did was just what I deserved, because of how he was done over the years.
Sometimes I think he is going to need more than meds for high blood pressure, maybe some AD's,but he refuses to even consider them. He likes to say he sometimes feels I have mental problems, but he is so much worse, at least I will go to counseling for my problems relating to our sitch.
He can be nice to me when he chooses, and even got me to go to his dr. appt with him last time, and took me to lunch after, so he knows he can bear to be alone with me, and we can talk on safe subjects, and sometimes he will make reference to our problems, which I find uncomfortable, because he will say something I don't know how to take. I need to try to remember a good example to put on here, but he will sometimes say something about women, like trying to gauge my reaction.
Oh, well, time to go pick up the kiddo from school.
H just left for work, so here I am. He was eating his breakfast, and I asked him to tell me something. When he used to come home unexpectedly during the day, and joke with me about if I had a boyfriend hiding somewhere. I said did you really think I did? And he said yes, did you? I said no, never! I just left it at that, and let him stew on it for today while he is gone, here he was suspecting me, and here I was NEVER suspecting him, and look who was the one who cheated. I have pulled away from him a little the past few days, I don't know why, maybe a little detachment is in order. I am not being mean, but I am holding myself back some. I am not telling him ILY before we go to sleep, or as much as I was. Though I do usually say it before he leaves for work, but I skipped two days this week. I don't know if he even noticed. He does enjoy the notes I put in his lunch each day, so I will keep those up. It's a good way to communicate with him, and he saves them all, and will sometimes comment on one. I really wish I could trust him again, but I am really not sure if that is possible, especially with not knowing if he is lying about no contact with ow. L
hey VC, I sure hope my sitch isnt' making you think this way, he could very well just be "in his cave" for now, and seems distant.
============ I had a boyfriend hiding somewhere. I said did you really think I did? And he said yes, did you? I said no, never =========== Ha! did you know my H (back in the first separation) installed cameras to spy on me? yup, he said that he saw me dressing nice (had lost weight and got new clothes) he thought I was bringing someone home, all the while he was seeing ow!
====== little detachment is in order. I am not being mean, but I am holding myself back some. ====== as long as it is to clear your mind, I understand you (I used to try that too, a bit, not kissing him hello when he came home, he never did notice) Just don't deny affection to try him, it doesnt' work, it just makes us miserable, affection is our -women- language.
Don't undermine the progress you've achieved hon.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cameras? Wow, isn't that almost funny? They project their guilt on us. He told me once about someone who put recorders on the phones to monitor everyone in their home. I checked to see if he had done that here, because in their jobs they would probably know people who can set them up. I know he knows an ex-cop who owned a spy shop.
I think it is to clear my mind, because I was thinking too much about things, and it was making me feel bad all the time again. I won't deny him intimacy, because he had said that was one of the reasons he was angry with me, and like you said, we women need affection.
It isn't your sitch making me think this way, it's just that we are both having the issue of the no ow contact promise, and wondering just how much contact there really is. That is another reason to detach a little.
I have now and then started leaving out some of the books I have been reading to let him see some of them, but not DR or DB.
L
P.S. our new litle kitten wants to say something, and won't leave me alone until I let him play with the keyboard.
kjjmjjjj8juukjHJNJKLJJGJGJKHGH--SIGNED, SGT. STUBBY (so named because he is a manx, and was found at the police dept parking lot a week and a half ago)
this morning I asked H where the apt. complex was that he had scouted out as a place to live when he left us, and he said what are you talking about, so I repeated it and the area he said it was in, and he said that wasn't where it was and why does it matter. So, I said I was curious. He refused to talk about it, said it didn't matter, so I had to drop it. Earlier I asked him is he was wanting to sell our house when our S was grown up, and he said he wasn't even thinking about that, had no plans to sell, so I dropped it. If he is hiding anything from me, he hides it pretty well. I guess we are still at the place we can't talk about things, unless he brings it up first. Well, I will just watch what I say. On the plus side, he sometimes says LY instead of ILY, and today he said ILY when we spoke this evening. Of course, I said it first, but still... I am not saying it as much, so he won't feel pressured, but I throw it in there occasionally Well, I have the whole evening to myself, I think I will color my hair, and take a bubble bath.
======================= I have now and then started leaving out some of the books I have been reading to let him see some of them ================ repeat after me "men don't take hints" so dont' expect much. If anything, sometimes when we'd argue my H would say "are you getting that from those books you read?".
------------------------- I guess we are still at the place we can't talk about things, unless he brings it up first. Well, I will just watch what I say. --------------------------- choose your battles, I know I know, there are somethings we think we had to know (didn't but wanted to ask my H how many times he went to ow when he said he had court) SO what if it was 3x a week against the 2x I thought. It doesn't make his sin any bigger nor worse. So, if you must, ask questions that will promote healing in some way, somethings aren't worth asking hon.
============================== Earlier I asked him is he was wanting to sell our house when our S was grown up ========================= Their logic was screwed up, and men in that phase don't think far ahead nor realize the repercusions of their acts. DUring our first S I found a note from my H that said he wished he didn't have kids... it's beyond me how anyone can say that, but I will never bring it up because then he had sh*t for brains. Me, I'd die for my kids.
If time allows, I'll force my sister to put dark red highlights on my hair hope you had a good eve hon))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I leave the books out, because he asked me one time where I was learning about how wrong I was in the way I treated him, and how I was learning about what his needs, as in affirmation, etc. he can look at the title, if he looks that way, and kinda tell from a glance what it's about. I really am not hoping he'll even pick one up, just see that I do have resources available for me. Plus, one of the books is one recommended a long time ago by our old preacher, someone he says he misses, and he always liked. men don't take hints--so true!!
The kittie is adorable, and getting big now, we've had him two weeks, and he is into everything, today, I put the milk in the fridge, and went back to get the meat to put in, and opened the fridge, and stubby hopped out of it. he just shook his head at me and walked away, the stinker!
Last night, H was getting the garbage ready to dump, and I told him we didn't have much, so he could take it today, and he got upset with me and said he had more downstairs, and why didn't I want him to take it then, was I thinking he was up to something? And he was muttering under his breath,"I am tired of this sh*t." I said no reason, I just thought we had only a little, so anyway, I thought he was unreasonable. Then he started saying I was going through his garbage can, and I said I was not, and he said you swear, and I said yes and then he dug into it and brought out a wadded piece of paper, and showed it to me, and said then how do you explain this? and it was from a message pad, and had the name and number of that old lady on it that he has mentioned before, the message was from a yr and a half ago. he said he had never mentioned her name ever before, and I said yes you have, how would I know she was an old lady, and he said what did you do, call her? I said NO! I did not call her. He told me about this old lady who was always calling him at work, and told me her name, and then he said no, it was the OTHER old lady whose name he has mentioned, not this one, and I said no, he had not mentioned the other one, and finally I just gave up because I see the conversation descending into madness. So, I got me a diet coke, and went outside, and he came out to take the trash away, and said what are we having a pity party? I said no, it was nice out, and I was enjoying it. then he started in at me again, and asked if I had called the number because it had a certain first three numbers, and they were the same as the ow's first three numbers, I said no, I had not, and he said I had put ow's # into a message on his phone once back when this all first came out, but that was to let him know I knew what he was up to. I just could no longer defend myself against a freakin alien, so I just let him go at it, and then our S came out and started talking to us, Then H calmed down and came up and kissed me goodbye, and hugged me really hard. When he came back and we went to bed, he was acting like he knew he was acting like an a** earlier. Is this part of the MLC? Where they act normal one minute, and then it's like psycho the next. Or is that what piecing with an MLC monster is like? I can't wait to see what tonight holds.
Hey, cat, I have a sister named Kathleen, and I sometimes call her Kat.
Is this part of the MLC? Where they act normal one minute, and then it's like psycho the next. Or is that what piecing with an MLC monster is like? ==================================== could be, could be that he didn't bear to admit he was wrong. He sounds very anal, prob another "gift" from the job, they dont' trust ANYbody or anyone (if i had a penny for everytime my H has said that to me)
Oh honey, wish we could run away from this madness to Bermudas and sell sea shells by the seashore and wear grass skirts and live in peace....
ja ja|! silly kitten, glad you opened the fridge on time~!
I used to liked cats a lot, that's where i get my screen name
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
finally got internet for the first time in 21 days!! Am in Alaska and of course cannot do justice to your post at the moment. Wanted to let you know I'm alive and thinking of you. I UNDERSTAND your choices & even though 60% of me agrees with you about taking the nobler route the other 40% of me wishes you'd demand more from your h and I worry about the respect issue. There can be a tendency in some, to treat others as badly as they'll put up with, or to behave as selfishly as one can get away with.
I have more to say and want to discuss my sitch but cannot due to zero privacy at the moment. But I missed having internest and tv and civilization. Oh, btw, still NO furniture....geez...
One quick note. Other than saying it's still warm an pretty here, thank God...I will say that the company H works for, and which I will soon be joining, is much Less stable than I thought. H definitely senses this. We may not stay a full year. Can you believe that? I mean, we could be wrong b/c companies do endure transitions and this company could take off. But the irony is that H is the one noticing and not just me, that all is not well or perfect. HE is getting frustrated and I am biting my tongue. But a part of me wants to strangle him too. Most of his "new found" observations were made a year ago by... ME....but he just couldn't hear it then.... wth?? I have to try hard to step back and let him discover that in the end, a job really is just a job. Money is money, self worth is not net worth....etc etc
j_
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[/quote]There can be a tendency in some, to treat others as badly as they'll put up with, or to behave as selfishly as one can get away with. [quote]
I think i may be starting to think this is true for sure.
Maybe it's just the mood im'e in today but I wonder.
I think H will just keep me at bay because im'e not asking for any answers right now so, he won't bother to give them himself. He will just hope it goes away. Problem is is that he never talked so I really don't know how he feels about anything. My mind is just coming up with my own thoughts. Wondering if he is just here because OW didn't want a R or if he's just waiting for her and keeping me strung along until he finds out.
Just in a mood I guess.
JAK
HI,VC
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 08/30/0701:01 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
hope you had a good eve hon))))))