Are we piecing yet?

[Have Faith]

Well, H told me he didn't know when he would be done getting his stuff situated at Friends house and so I let him off the hook. I just said, "that's ok, what time will you come by tomorrow for church?" First time he has gone to church with me in years. He said he would be over around 10:00. I said ok. He said you sound like you are happy that we won't be together tonight. I said "no, but since you hadn't mentioned anything about Saturday night I went ahead and made plans." He said where are you going? I told him I was going to a party (didn't know what else to say). He said oh, where? I gave him an area of town. He then said be carefull and I bet your will look great. I said thanks, kissed him and said see you tomorrow.

So, I called a girlfriend and we are going out for a couple of drinks and maybe some dancing. I really don't want to go, but I think I need to. I wonder where he is going. Oh, well, I'm not going to try to find out. Probably with OW. This will be the first time in 12 weeks that we haven't been together all week-end long.

Faith

[LL44]

I hope you are out having a nice time. I know its hard to have a really good time, but you can hope for a nice time. You have H wondering just what's going on. I loved how you responded about going ahead and making plans. PERFECT! Church? Home so much? Spending the night? Telling you you'll look great? ILY? Oh yeah, he was definately coming around. I am very happy for you.

That 10% is hard to deal with, but at least its not the other way around.

[Have Faith]

Well, I really blew it yesterday.

I got home Saturday night at about 11:45. Didn't really enjoy myself out with the girls. Keep thinking about H. I was hoping he would have left me a message, but didn't have one on my cell or home phone.

H showed up at the house just in time to leave for church. It was nice to have him join me. We golfed in the afternoon and that was good, but I knew in my gut that he had been out with the OW on Saturday night. It just tore me up. It is like he is with me every Saturday night for 12 weeks and then the first time he is out of the house he is with her. Saturday nights have always been our date night.

Anyway when we got home from golf, I told him that I knew he was with her. He asked me if I had been spying on him again. I said no, I just know you were with her. I told him that only after two days I already felt his distance. He said, really, I don't feel that way. I told him that he was willing to sleep on an air mattress, at a friends, and live out of plastic bags so that he could be with her. If he was willing to give her up, then he wouldn't have to do these things and we could begin working on our M. He said he didn't know what he wanted. I told him that was a cope out. After all this time, he knows what he wants and it is both of us. He said he could understand why I though that.

I was angry and crying. I went to bed and he spent the night coming to bed about an hour later. He is suppose to come by tonight to pick up groceries I bought him. He was suppose to ask his employer for a week off the second week of September to go on an annual golf vacation today. I don't even know if he will do that now.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I really blew it and he will just start distancing himself from me now and spending more time with her.

I wish I were stronger. I just don't see what this twit has to offer him. I feel like the last 12 weeks have been a waste. I shouldn't have made him move out. I just don't know. I keep praying for answers and I get no where.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Right now I feel like crawling into a hole and going to sleep.

Faith

[Have Faith]

Journaling

I wrote H an e-mail telling him I was sorry about how I acted last night. He said because he read the book "Surviving an Affair" he understood that while it was difficult to sit there and take it that I would have these moments (he should have said hours) of anger and that he was not mad at me.

I also sent him the below poem and he said it was touching because it was so true.

To give up.
God!
What a bell of freedom that rings within me"
No more wanting to understand what makes you tick
No more wanting to be able to communicate freely
No more waiting for reassurance, for explanation,
...or the words that never come
No more wondering what you are doing
Or who you are with
And then
No more depression
And FINALLY
No more hurting
And all it would take
...is to give you up
But that
...would take too much

I can't read this without it tearing at my heart!

Faith

[LL44]

That's beautiful.

I am amazed he read that book. My H would say "no way" to reading anything (just isn't a reader). At least he can try to understand what you are going through!

[ediemarie]

Hey Faith -
I saw your post to me on LWB - to find the article do the following: (I would link here, but don't know how )

1) go to: http://www.beyondaffairs.com
2) on the home page, click on "All aspects of recovering from an affair" (it's the 3rd "bullet" down)
3) Choose How Do I Get My Spouse To Break All Ties...(second one down)

Hope this helps...

I'll catch up on your sitch and post...

[ediemarie]

I wish I were stronger.

How much stronger, exactly? Faith, you are dealing with a really ugly situation in the best way you know how. And you are doing really well. You aren't really kicking yourself for expressing your disapproval with a man that spent your date night with another woman, are you? It's ok to express that stuff. I mean I get the crying and anger and how that may not have been the best way to communicate your disapproval, but it happens to the best of us. If it's in a book that outlines what to expect after an affair, then I would say your reaction was pretty normal. Don't beat yourself up about that.

You recognized that you didn't handle that stich the best way you think you could have, but now is the best time to plan how you are going to handle that if it happens again. What will that interaction look like?

hang in there Faith - you're doing fine!!!

Em

[tryingtoholdon]

Don't beat yourself up because like what has been said is the fact that you are dealing with a really hard situation.

On the other hand if you ask him to move back in after you have set a clear boundary would be a HUGE mistake. I mean HUGE. But that is just my opinion. But once you set a boundary like I am not going to live like this because he is having an affair then you ask him to move. Well, to take that back shows a. you don't respect yourself. b. you look desperate and c. you lose all credibility if a boundary ever gets made again.
You see he will think that if he with woth her you may get mad and ask him to move a couple days but then he can be nice and you will giove in.

I don't want to seem mean faith. But you seem very clingy with him. Like wondering what he is doing and wanting him to only be with you. I think a great 180 for you to do is to go out there and really GAL. Let him wonder what you are doing and where you are. He is so use to you chasing. Let him do the chase.

Also I think you mentioned that your husband is having a PA. If he is kissing her and mot making love to you I honestlyu think it is a PA. But again that is just my opinion. Just be careful honey. The biggest thing that scares the hack out of me with affairs is the partner contracting some disease. : ( Then bringing it to an innocent person. This just happened to a very close friend of mine.

But just try to live life for you right now. Find what makes you happy again.

[Have Faith]

lwb, my H doesn't read much either, but back in April I gave him the book to read just one chapter. He said that he needed to understand what he was doing and therefore decided to read the whole book. I was shocked, but I saw it as a positive.

EM, I did find the article once I clicked on Affairs, but thank you for sharing the information. I found some of the statistics very interesting (especially that 70% of affairs do not end in a divorce). There was another website mentioned, DearPeggy.com that looked interesting.

You had a very interesting question. "You recognized that you didn't handle that stich the best way you think you could have, but now is the best time to plan how you are going to handle that if it happens again. What will that interaction look like?" This is something that I'm going to think about. I need to plan for this, as I'm sure it will happen again. Thank you for that thought provoking question.

Trytingtoholdon - I can appreciate what you say about setting boundaries and not giving into them. I have done that b/4 and I'm determined not to do that again. You also might be right about me chasing him. I'm not really sure. If anything, I appear to always be there for him. I don't usually call him or e-mail him. Over the last 12 weeks we have spent a tremendous amount of time together. We do not fight and we are not nasty with each other (except maybe in my last outburst). We both agree that we have really enjoyed each others company. I don't think that a 180 would be good right now. I just don't know. I have some more sessions available with the DB coach, Jodi, maybe it is time to take advantage of one of those again.

I'm in better spirts today. I'm going to the gym tonight and then over to a girlfriends after that, so I guess I will be out GALing.

Thank you everyone for your input.

Faith

[Have Faith]

H e-mailed me about a problem with our lock on the door to our house. On Sunday we had a wind storm come thru and ripped off a hugh branch on our pear tree. He is being Mr. Do it now. He had a tree service at our house and the tree limb gone before I got home from work yesterday. Now he is having a locksmith come over on Saturday morning to re-key the lock. He also told me that is was time for an oil change in my car and he would take care of that Saturday morning.

I don't get it!! I always thank him, but had been extra appreciative when he has done other things for me lately. Is this one of his needs? "Appreciation?" I remember reading an e-mail he sent to OW about 3 weeks into their A and she had mentioned something about her wiper blades needing to be replaced. He was so quick to go to the auto parts store and replace and wash her car, it made me mad because at the time, we had a lamp that need to be fixed and a new filter put in our water purifier that he had put off for weeks.

This must be a male thing. This must be a love language of his.

Any comments?

Faith