I get that the negative self-talk makes me my own worst enemy. I guess I don't understand how I could make deflections with myself but not with cac. Maybe I'm not understanding the definition of deflection.
What I was wondering is whether all the self analysis, internal conversations and self criticism could be a deflection of you accepting who you are and becoming content with that. Once you settle down and know who you are and what you truly want, then you run the risk of getting it. Then you become accountable because CAC will have the chance to truly know you and your vulnerabilities. As long as you stay a moving target, he can't really get a hold of you and you stay safe.
While it may seem that he is unable to meet your changing needs, could it be in part that you change those needs (even if it is unintentional due to your hypersensitivity)to prevent him from having the opportunity to met them? If that were the case, then you would be deceiving yourself, not CAC.
What I sense is that you are becoming dissatisfied with the lack of affection that comes from always dodging CAC, of having the "freedom" to always get up and leave a situation once it becomes uncomfortable (even if it is due to hypersensitivity). The safety of being elusive turns out to be not so safe. But to truly become safe, you may have to do the opposite of what you've been doing and stand still long enough to know yourself, become acclimated to your senses and whatever irritates you, and then let CAC truly know you, which will make you vulnerable.
