At periods I've been a frequent visitor and participant at this board, starting around Christmas 2005 and then again shortly in February of this year. Since my last posting back then, a lot of things have happened, but maybe I should first give a brief summary of my/our stitch...
Both: Northern Europeans Me: 40 XW: 36 Met: 1997 Married: 1999 (moved to Latin America right after) 1st child: 2001 (D) 2nd child: 2003 (S) (moved to North America in 2002) XW came into MLC: 2005 (I didn't understand that until December 2005, after EA, Bomb and PA...) EA with OM: May 2005 Bomb: August 2005 PA with OM: Fall 2005 Separation: December 2005 Divorce: May 2007
I met another woman in the Spring of 2006, that relationship ended Summer of 2007.
XW moved back to Europe: October 2006 D6 and S4 moved back to Europe: December 2006 D6 and S4 have been staying with me - in North America (where I live) and Europe - for 3 months between April and August 2007. Next time to met them are around Christmas 2007.
OM is a self-proclaimed "guru" who relishes his freedom, independence and deep spiritual capabilities. XW has been actively pursuing that same spiritual path - almost fanatically - ever since entering into MLC and especially since meeting OM.
OM has now "moved" to Europe to live with XW, something they never did in North America (on his request, though XW wanted to, but he didn't want to be bogged down with day-to-day mundande life and with two kids, my theory). It might also be worth mentioning that OM (11 years XW's senior) left his own family to pursue the "free and independent" life as a self-proclaimed "guru", and also that he's starting his time with XW and D6 and S4 by going to wander in Spain for 1,5 months...
Now to the questions/issues that I would like to have some comments to:
1. In mid-July - when I last picked up the kids - I gave a note to XW expressing that my heart was still open, me feelings had not changed since she left me and that I would be willing to one day try again. I know, not in accordance do good DB-ing, but I felt I had to convey that message to her. Her response was way much better than I had feared/expected. She said in an email the following:
"I appreciate your fine card...I admire your courage to release these feelings and emotions after all we've been through...I also admire your ability to forgive for what has happened...You have grown as a human being, and I'm glad that you're our children's father...Because you're opening up and are honest, I want to do the same...I don't want to hurt you, but I want to be honest...I want to continue this relationship [with OM] and give it a chance, not the least because now he's taking this step and moving in with me in Europe...You're a fine man, and I admire and respect you for your courage and your warm heart. It would be wonderful for the kids to live together with the parents we are today, both at the same time, but I'm not there today. We do not know what the future has in store, but this is how I feel now."
What do I make out of that??????
As far as I can see that is lightyears away from the venom she used in the fall of 2005, in describing me and her treatment of me. If this isn't babysteps, I don't know what.
But at the same time, what do I do now/next????
2. What I have learned from these pages and the discussions herein, the way I see thing is that there are basically five processes in play here:
A) XW's MLC - which should be about halfway through, and due to the postponement of sharing the daily life of OM, maybe the replay-phase has been extended beyond the two-years that is mentioned in the six stages of MLC?
B) Rebound-relationships in general - are often not bound to last. Some people here have stated that OM/OW is like a drug, but sooner or later that must fade, or?
C) OM's lifestyle and life choices might not be compatible with the family life XW really is looking for. I think that he's afraid of commitments, and even more so when it might involve being partly care-taker of two small kids.
D) The fading out and rebalancing of her own life, i.e. find a balance between real life and spiritual adventures, singing crystal bowls etc. She used to be very down-to-earth, but since entering MLC, she's a "spiritual fundamentalist" that preaches and talk constantly of her enlightenment etc etc.
E) My own handling of it all, and the message to her that I have forgiven her and that I am open in case she wants to. I have basically given her unconditional love, which I think is in accordance with DB-principles. Correct me if I'm wrong.
3. For me, the tough part now is to be without my kids for almost a year (I'm on contract in North America), but my plan is to return to Europe next Summer and then take one or two years of parental leave to be with the kids. My hope in the meantime is that XW goes through the last 3 stages of MLC, breaks up with OM (on her own making) and get a more balanced approach to the spirituality of herself. If not within the next year, at least that some of the above mentioned processes will start to "kick in". I don't know if that sounds reasonable at all, but it's the best plan I have right now, and the only really strategy to deal with my last year in NA and at the same time give her some time to face the reality of OM, working life and two small kids.
